Ladies Above 30 In Here!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Ladies Above 30- In Here!!!

I’m going to share a bit of myself on today’s post. Although I’m a very private person- an introvert to boot. All through my previous articles, I’ve tactfully distanced myself from my writeups. But something happened to me recently, that prompted me to share this here. I’m actually not sure why I’m sharing this here. For sympathy? I doubt. For understanding? For proper scolding from strangers? I don’t think so! To lighten the burden in my heart? Probably. Fact is- I’m not exactly sure why.

I ended my almost 3year old relationship just about 2months ago. We were already making plans for a future together. Well- this wouldn’t be a big deal if you aren’t in your 30ties and expected by everyone, to be settled in your husband’s house at this stage with kids of your own. Now- bring this scenario down to an African setting- i.e. Nigeria. Then you would realize how crazy, unimaginable, this action, sounds to many. I must be crazy to end a relationship at my “age” no matter what. I should be grateful a man even spoke to me, right? I should’ve crawled on my knees- “barked like a dog” or “hopped around until am commanded to do otherwise. To make sure I win the ring. No? ( borrowed from that hilarious scene from the classic “Coming To America”). What could be worse than being a spinster in Africa?

I’ve never been one to bother myself with what others think of me or my actions. For once in my life though, I was bothered. I was almost crushed not because I ended things but due to how some of my closest friends reacted to it- without even listening to the reasons behind my action. Like I mentioned in one of my previous articles- once your relationship is in a rocky place, you know it. Pretending all was well just to bag the “Mrs” title would’ve been living a lie, postponing the inevitable. When there’re conflicts of interest/problems/glaring differences, in a relationship- the  ability to admit these problems exists. Then, sorting out viable solutions to rectify them. To me, is the only way forward.

Sadly our society mostly care about the “Mrs” title and nothing more. Some viewed my action as foolish. Others, as an act of ignorance- to some, it portrayed   arrogance, silliness etc.

Well, we can’t all view marriage as a “do or die” affair folks. That, I’m in my thirties doesn’t mean I should desperately hang on to a man even when I see danger in doing so, nor does it mean I’m without a choice in deciding whom I should be with. It also doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pursue other goals of mine and live a moderately happy life while at it. And the truth is- we are not toddlers. I don’t think any lady above thirty years of age is looking for a “perfect man.” Wanting to share my life with a decent person isn’t too much to ask, or is it?

 

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Abusive Relationships 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Abusive Relationships 

Anyone in a relationship knows where it pinches. If the relationship is healthy- you feel it just by how contented you’re in it. If it’s in a rocky place, you’re aware. One of the most dangerous aspects of an unhealthy relationship is an abusive partner.

I’ve been told severally that it’s not healthy to be too careful when venturing into a relationship/marriage. “You won’t know by half, your partner’s behavior until you’d began to live together for a considerable period of time.” Agreed. But there ‘re always some telltale signs. We often just turn a blind eye.

An Abusive Partner–  there ‘re several forms of abusive behaviors a partner could exhibit occasionally which shouldn’t be ignored. However my focus today is on-  physically/verbally abusive partners. The bullies!

Let me explain why I chose those two. Well- they ‘re practically a couple. Lol

A verbally abusive partner to me, is almost as deadly as a physically abusive partner. The only major difference is that the scars aren’t visible unless you prod.  There ‘re some words that could punch one’s psych(Pierce one’s heart), cause more damages than a thunderous slap. A partner can verbally reduce his/her partner to a low self-esteemed shell. Callous words that could hurt harder than a kick on the shin. Sends you reeling into self-doubt until depression sets in.

The thing is- both ladies and gentlemen should avoid/terminate such relationships. No matter the investments- financially/mentally or time wise. At times when we hear “abusive relationship” we wave it off or view men solely as the culprits. Sadly it’s not a gender thing per se. Men- agreed,  ‘ve  higher tendencies of being abusive in a relationship/ marriage. Fact is- some women are abusive too. Theirs rarely come in a physical form though.

It could manifest in a verbal or emotional form.  So it’s paramount to be observant while in a relationship/courtship. Observe how your partner handles issues/ situations, anger,  before taking that crucial step. Don’t rush into marriage because of societal/peer pressure to become part of statistics of domestic violence, that graces the social media daily these days.

If a partner lashes out during a little misunderstanding. We make excuses like; I pushed him/her too far. I said things that got him/her upset. Hmm…mm? Really? A verbally abusive partner could lead his/her partner into suicidal thoughts. No jokes. On the other hand, a physically abusive partner is actually a confirmed bully. There’s no way you’d date and venture into a relationship with a bully without that awful trait rearing it ugly head, once in a while. They often’ve dictatorial nature, mostly possessive, ill-tempered, opinionated, often caring and remorseful after hitting their partner. The chronic ones are quite callous. They don’t give a damn about their partner’s welfare after a fight.

The rate ladies are dying in abusive relationships ‘ve escalated over the years. There’s need to be alert in one’s relationship. No one knows the baggage the other partner is roaming about with undetected. It could be anger issues, trust issues, psychopathic nature, possessiveness or even obsession. At this stage it’s easy to get away-run without a backward glance, once violence tendencies is discovered in a partner. Breaking up a relationship is by far easier- it wouldn’t be that easy when married already, probably with kids.

Now ladies, the truth is-no matter the offense. He has no right to hit you but that doesn’t mean one should goad or dare one’s partner into provocation thoughtlessly during a fight. My humble advice? State your grievances in a mature manner, no point being verbally abusive. Men are human beings too with emotions. Don’t push your partner overboard. But If you are battered in that relationship/marriage regularly then leave. You simply aren’t compatible. Sorry…!

Well- an abusive partner hardly changes without help. It all depends though. Is the “ring” worth the risk?

 

 

 

Why The Assumption That All Ladies Above 30 And Unmarried Were Shallow/Wayward?

 

 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is a question to all those having sleepless nights over issues not really their business.

Why The Assumption That All Ladies Above 30 And Unmarried Were Shallow Or Wayward?

I’m sick and tired of all these stereotypical assumptions flying all over the place. Must we always be so judgmental about other people’s lives? Whose business it is that she isn’t married? Why prioritize someone else’s issue?

Just yesterday I came across a post on a social network where a lady reached out to single women above thirty. I couldn’t get the details of her program since she only wanted them to give her a call. To my disgust! This particular man sprang out of nowhere, lamenting on how it was a well deserved “punishment” for all those women who thought their beauty was everything and rejected men at the snap of a finger….haa! He wasn’t done- far from it. He prattled on… on how they were all shallow minded fools who were waiting for rich men to come-by and propose- which didn’t happen.  He was just getting warmed up- On he went- “starting up men who wooed them- were rejected countless times! Today see them all. Single! Used goods looking for a poor man to marry!” Ugh! Pathetic…

What gets to me on this issue isn’t even the ranting. It’s the assumption that she must be devastated. The assumption that she’s been dealt with by faith for her atrocities. Yeah…I’m sure Mary Madeline  had nothing on us. Lol. Why the stereotype, that a lady married late or yet to marry because she has a terrible character/past? Who told you that? Who gave you a pass, that- you’re better than these ladies you raise your noses in the air to mock? To belittle and humiliate at every turn? Who gave you the right to judge?  The condescending attitude some people exhibit, both male and female gender against unmarried ladies above thirty is astonishing.

If you’re married and happy in your own home. Why ‘re you so concerned about someone else’s plight? Is it your problem? Is she complaining to you? It seems harder for “a bull to pass through the eye of a needle” than for some to actually grasp that a lady above thirty and yet to marry may actually be happy as she is- living and planning her life. Not encumbered by the responsibilities that acompany’s  marriage”yet.” A time may come when her independence and life experience would make her be a better wife than some that married early.

A mature lady enters marriage with full knowledge of what it entails. She’s isn’t there for fairy tales. She creates a conducive environment for herself and her partner. Why? Simply because at this stage in her life, she knows exactly what she wants and needs and has garnered suitable experience on how to go about it.

A lady that married, let’s say at the age of 22/23yrs. Experienced a hellish marriage and divorced in her thirties or so. And one who didn’t marry on time because of a thousand and one reasons available, that could have prevented her from tieing the knot. Had time on her hands, worked on herself- knew herself well. Built a career niche for herself before meeting her own man. Do you really think the latter missed out on much? This thirty-something year old who has maturity and an understanding of how things work before tieing the knot. Did she miss so much for not marrying sooner?

A lot of married people currently miss singlehood fiercely. Some wish they could dissolve their unions without a backward glance. Some feel trapped. Some ‘re overwhelmed with regrets for entering into that union. Some can recall- the exact mistake that landed him/her in the trap he/she’s in now. Seeing all these, concerning marriage.  It baffles me that, some still see it as a “do or die affair.” A lot of married couples will gladly go their separate ways given the opportunity- no strings attached.

Well…what’s my point? My point is- stop treating getting married as the most important or the “only”goal in a woman’s life. Some want it badly no doubt, others don’t. That- she isn’t married doesn’t mean she’s shallow or wayward. Let me shock you.

Wayward ladies actually marry on time. They’re skilled- they know what men want and like. They know how to rope in/hook a man. They also know exactly the buttons to push to get a man to do exactly what they want. If a wayward lady with her experience sets her eyes on you. You’re in. By the time she’s through with you. You’d swear it was all your ideas. 60% of ladies that encounter late marriages are actually the decent ones. Probably rigid or frigid in nature- some ‘re introverts, some’re nerds and some quite boring. So stop the stereotyping already. It’s beginning to irritate.

What’s your opinion on this issue? I’d love to read it on here. Have a lovely day!

LADIES LET’S BE WARY!!! 

Hello ladies…

I’m quite sad right now. I’m about to poke, yet again another sour spot.

My topic today says;

LADIES LET’S BE WARY!!! 

Ladies in their thirties and above. I’m here again as a voice of  caution. It appears things are getting worse. If that’s even possible, considering the fact it has always been a jungle out there.  The hawks are hovering; searching for an easy prey. I heard of a pathetic story about a lady who was swindled of her life savings by a man who promised her marriage and travel papers.

I am not livid or even pissed which should ‘ve been a better feeling anyway. I’m simply disgusted. Hear me out here. No one is above mistakes. I understand the feeling of uncertainty too well. I understand the pressure from all around us. I understand how it feels, to be told by one “snake oil salesman” exactly what one wants to hear. The exhilarating relief! The rekindled hope and all….

What really breaks my heart is that such happens regularly to regular intelligent ladies whose only crime were letting their guard down. Daring to hope the affection was real, only to fall into the hands of desperate con-men with sharp spades for digging.

It’s easy to see through this type of men, their stench is easily perceived. But they still catch as many prey as they target mostly because of the societal and peer pressure mounted on us ladies. The scammer, varnishes into thin air without a thought of how the trusting lady would feel.

My ladies, it’s a tough world out there. You were offered something you needed so much,  so you threw caution to the winds! Oh crap! Enough of that silly excuse already. Don’t be silly…

Another lady I read about the other day on some page on social media, can’t quite place which, said he told her he works with a bank. She swallowed that. A man who didn’t even have an apartment. Moved in with her, was fed by her. He still managed to defraud her of her little savings, was abusive on top all that! How does one “refuse” to think? He was a banker, yet couldn’t afford a rented apartment? Or cater for his needs? A future mother swallowed that white lie, line, hook and sinker?

There was also another incident I came across on Facebook. This particular lady was on the brink of committing suicide because she lent money to her boyfriend,  almost a million bucks. This bloody twerp blocked her on all social networks as soon as he landed overseas. Unbelievable!

If this craze to settle down intent is to connect to another; a companion; start a family and do all necessary to make one’s marriage work. It actually sounds like a good cause to me. But the chilling truth that sends nerve quivering chill down my spine, is knowing that majority don’t give a damn about the frigging outcome. Just to tie the “knot” is what some only now sort after. Even if it all ends in a year or two. It doesn’t freaking matter.

Little wonder our societies are in shambles. We all see what mostly comes out of broken homes.

My ladies, until we focus on what’s best for us. For our unborn children and forget or rather ignore the society and its  pressure. These predators won’t stop. The scamming won’t stop. The downgrading and “diggings” won’t stop. Funny, ladies used to be the ones with the shovel back in the days. How things changed…

Being “mrs” isn’t worth anyone all these headaches; heartaches and misery some are passing through on a daily basis.

We ‘re all mature and know what good or not for us. Let’s not allow pressure make us ignore red flags or warnings in our heads. Let’s be at alert and stay reasonable. Know whom you are with very well, so as to know what works best for you.

That’s all I have to say for now. Do have a lovely day, you all!

 

 

Is Desperation The Solution? 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Today I’m going to touch one of those sour spots we hate to talk about out there again. My topic today says;

Is Desperation The Solution? 

Let’s quickly find out what this word “desperation” is about. The English dictionary defines desperation as;(1)  “the act of despairing or becoming desperate”;  “a giving up of hope.” (2) ” A state of despair, or utter hopeless; abandonment of hope; extreme recklessness; reckless fury.”

Hmm…the definition of this word alone, makes me shudder. It gives me goose bumps, just the thought of someone living his/her life in such state of mind. Sadly, societal pressure has made desperation almost a norm in our society. Having reckless abandon in the pursuit of our desires have become a norm. Desperation isn’t a gender thing. Anyone could become desperate, depending on one’s fervent desire to accomplish a particular goal. A society where a particular set are viewed as failures; losers; nonentities. These set are constantly looked down upon. The desperation to achieve what garners “respect” to others becomes a norm.

For instance most unmarried ladies these days, will do whatever it takes to tie the knot,  become a “Mrs.” This is because the society has made it appear as  the most prestigious title a woman should have before any other. Unmarried women are mostly lumped in as wayward or indecent for being single still at a certain age. Disheartening….

That’s not all. Men are under pressure too, to acquire wealth. A status that should take years of hardwork to achieve. The youth in their quest to make their mark and be accepted and accorded “respect” in the society, do a lot of despicable things, that at times leads to death, in desperation. A bachelor of certain age is also viewed as irresponsible for daring to remain single. No one is interested in the “why.”

How’s desperation the solution? I’m asking this question because I have noticed people get furious with anyone they perceived as not “desperate”, especially if you are unmarried and yet, doesn’t exhibit any of the known attribute of those in a hopeless situation, such as recklessness; being depressed, miserable etc.

My question this evening is this; Can someone explain to me how being desperate solves our problems? Take a look at our political setting today. Desperation has made politics a do or die affair. Most in our society will do just about anything to win. What comes after the win? Hmm…mm?

The quest to marry at all cost has destroyed our core values. Nobody cares anymore about the seriousness of the venture. The end “now” justifies the frigging means. Lol.

A lot has been damaged in our various societies  due to desperation. This has caused so much pretense in our today’s youth. They comport themselves in a certain manner, just to get what they want instead of being themselves or working on themselves to be better as the case should be.

These are what desperation does; It puts you in a state of despair; you become extremely reckless; no caution whatsoever;not thinking straight; you would swallow any nonsense solution thrown your way. You are thrown wide open for extortion, manipulation, abuse,untimely death even, all in the name of searching for “any” solution to your perceived problems. Caution is thrown to the winds. Some become life casualties… if not now, later in life.

My advice to us all this evening is to fight the feeling of despair in whatever situation we find ourselves in life. It solves nothing in the long run, it only somehow compound the problems.

That’s all I have to say this evening ladies and gentlemen. What’s your view on this? Share it on here, others could learn from it.

 

Patience-Persistence-And Positivity Is The Key. 

Hello ladies…

Well, the new year is here. 2016 has bowed out, ushering in 2017. It doesn’t matter how the previous year had been. You had goals, I would like to believe you accomplished most of them if not all. What matters is that you are alive, in good health and more especially “positive” that this year would be much better.

My topic this morning says;

Patience; Persistence; And Positivity; Is The Key. 

What do we understand by the word “patience”? The English dictionary says; being patient. Now, what is patient? “Content to wait if necessary”; “not bothered with having to wait”. This is self explanatory.

What does the word persistence mean? The English dictionary defines it as; “being persistent”. what is persistent? “Obstinately refusing to give up or let go”;

“Insistently repetitive”; “Indefinitely continous”. Says the English dictionary.

OK! what is positivity? Being optimistic. ” Expecting the best in all possible ways”. I have learned a crucial lesson over the years. I learnt that patience; persistence; and positivity; almost always leads to something remarkable.

Take for instance, the inventors of the past centuries. The likes of Alexander Graham Bell; the Wright Brothers (Orville and Wilbur); Karl Benz. What did they  all have in common? Are you getting the picture? I hope you understand my point here.  I’m not implying the above mentioned traits are what made them inventors. I do believe though that, these traits helped them achieve their various tremendous success stories.

Let’s evaluate ourselves , are we on the right trail? How’s that project coming along? Do we believe deep in our heart that we can achieve our set goals for this year? That we could make a difference?Deep in your heart, do you believe you can make that relationship work? Lol. Surprised? It should be part of looking inward, don’t you think…?

You put in your best efforts at work/ business last year ? So it hasn’t yielded fruitful results thus far? So what? Be patient, keep doing the good job and above all, be positive. I know it’s hard at times to keep being positive when results aren’t forth coming. But remember those men mentioned above wouldn’t be known today if they had given up.

As a single lady above thirty, you may be working in an office where your married colleagues are accorded more respect than you although you are quite good at your job, older than some of the married ones even. These ladies may belittle you or make snide remarks about your status. Stay positive! Always remember that it isn’t how fast but how well. Don’t let being “unmarried” define you. Also don’t just sit there, not developing yourself, hoping some man’s name will give you an identity.

Use this period to discover yourself.  The areas you are good at, focus more on. Be the lady others would be proud of/ emulate. Don’t wallow in self-pity as if your world has crashed and burned. Envision the type of life you wish for in the nearest future and work towards it. One thing I have noticed is that when the time comes for a certain goal to be achieved, things fit in perfectly. There won’t be a square peg in a round hole. Every piece of the puzzle finds its rightful place and clicks! Lol. Let’s understand that one way or another, what will be will eventually be.

That’s all I have to say this lovely morning my ladies…

Do have a fruitful new year !

 

 

 

When A man In Your Life Gives Conditions To Get Married?/ MY View…

 

Hi ladies…

My topic today says;

When A man In Your Life Gives Conditions To Get Married?

Haha…as funny as this sound. It happens…

You meet a guy who professes love yet has conditions that would lead to the altar. I have seen and heard countless stories of such that I begin to wonder if the world has gone insane.This sounds funny but it’s not. I’ve heard several; these are the most popularly used.

  • Get pregnant for me, we will tie the knot.
  • Rent me an apartment- we’d head to the altar. Lol
  • I have this business plan-help me with capital to establish it , we will be together for all times… quite sad.
  • Give me a son, I will never leave you… á bon? As the French would say..
  • Assist me with my traveling papers and I’m yours.
  • Tell your Dad to employ me at his firm.
  • Study so so and so and I promise you, we will have a future together.

What baffles me here is, some African women see this as normal. Some men give conditions for friendships, for relationships and step right up to give huge ones for marriages too.

Today’s topic has nothing to do with age. No matter your age, these type of men will still act the same way. This category of chauvinist, feel offering you marriage is to assist you. To make an “honest woman” out of you. So for doing you this “favour”, he deserves a reward. Quite unfortunate, I must say. What happens when you comply, get pregnant and he still leaves?You could help someone in your life; there’s nothing wrong in doing so, if you wish but not as a condition to tie the knot.

I see this as a warning sign. No matter how you view it. It isn’t good and won’t be in your favour in the future. What happens when you couldn’t holdup your end? If he wanted you to give him a son and you accepted and ended up with a daughter whom he has no regards for? Such species of human beings exist…you know? Or any other natural events that could occur? What do you think his reaction would be?

The marriage deal is supposed to be for” better or worse”, in “sickness or health.” In a situation where you accepted these conditions, it means you signed up for “better” because “worse”was not in your deal. There are heartbreaks that are so  unnecessary. Don’t start bad mouthing all men in the future when you deliberately got yourself scammed. A man who would shamelessly take your money, feed from your pocket without a tiny sense of pride will do worse to you when you finally end up together. If you succumb to the first condition, others will follow. That’s if he stock around to do more damage to your psyche.

Someone that values you, sees the good in you and wants the best for you, will not give you conditions. Instead he will accommodate your shortcomings. He would be there for you. He would be supportive and help you achieve even higher goals than you aspire for. He would bring out a better you. He won’t make you feel inadequate, he won’t use you to boost his ego… or make demands of you right from the onset.

What am I saying? If he’s giving you conditions already. It’s not a good sign. In fact it is a warning sign my ladies. Lol. My view anyway, just think about it. Is it what you can deal with on a regular basis? If it is, then carry on please…my bad…(smiling)….

What’s your view on this issue?

Do have a nice day, you all..