Ladies Above 30 In Here!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Ladies Above 30- In Here!!!

I’m going to share a bit of myself on today’s post. Although I’m a very private person- an introvert to boot. All through my previous articles, I’ve tactfully distanced myself from my writeups. But something happened to me recently, that prompted me to share this here. I’m actually not sure why I’m sharing this here. For sympathy? I doubt. For understanding? For proper scolding from strangers? I don’t think so! To lighten the burden in my heart? Probably. Fact is- I’m not exactly sure why.

I ended my almost 3year old relationship just about 2months ago. We were already making plans for a future together. Well- this wouldn’t be a big deal if you aren’t in your 30ties and expected by everyone, to be settled in your husband’s house at this stage with kids of your own. Now- bring this scenario down to an African setting- i.e. Nigeria. Then you would realize how crazy, unimaginable, this action, sounds to many. I must be crazy to end a relationship at my “age” no matter what. I should be grateful a man even spoke to me, right? I should’ve crawled on my knees- “barked like a dog” or “hopped around until am commanded to do otherwise. To make sure I win the ring. No? ( borrowed from that hilarious scene from the classic “Coming To America”). What could be worse than being a spinster in Africa?

I’ve never been one to bother myself with what others think of me or my actions. For once in my life though, I was bothered. I was almost crushed not because I ended things but due to how some of my closest friends reacted to it- without even listening to the reasons behind my action. Like I mentioned in one of my previous articles- once your relationship is in a rocky place, you know it. Pretending all was well just to bag the “Mrs” title would’ve been living a lie, postponing the inevitable. When there’re conflicts of interest/problems/glaring differences, in a relationship- the  ability to admit these problems exists. Then, sorting out viable solutions to rectify them. To me, is the only way forward.

Sadly our society mostly care about the “Mrs” title and nothing more. Some viewed my action as foolish. Others, as an act of ignorance- to some, it portrayed   arrogance, silliness etc.

Well, we can’t all view marriage as a “do or die” affair folks. That, I’m in my thirties doesn’t mean I should desperately hang on to a man even when I see danger in doing so, nor does it mean I’m without a choice in deciding whom I should be with. It also doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pursue other goals of mine and live a moderately happy life while at it. And the truth is- we are not toddlers. I don’t think any lady above thirty years of age is looking for a “perfect man.” Wanting to share my life with a decent person isn’t too much to ask, or is it?

 

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Is Love Enough?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Is Love Enough?

All through the years I have seen very excited couples to be, turn sworn enemies within months or couple of years down the road. We’ve all seen couples that seemed like a match made in Heaven, only to watch it all crumble at some point. My focus here is on those that actually loved themselves from the onset.

I’ve this personal convictions which are solely mine, of the factors that causes problems, irreconcilable differences and breakups among couples that actually loved themselves, after tieing the knot. Over the years I’ve observed that- it’s  possible to love someone yet disagree with this same person’s values.

Love- to me doesn’t take away one’s senses. It heightens and sharpens them. If one is infatuated it’s a different ball game. You could be carried away by the sizzling passion. But love? NO. Let’s not forget- when you love someone-you get to know them on a different level. Especially if this feeling is reciprocated. You’d know their;  flaws; their weaknesses; you’d know to an extent how his/her mind works. You could predict his/her actions even, at times; you’d know when and what makes him or her angry, happy, sad. Although you’ve  all these knowledge at your fingertips, you still love him/her and would rather be with him/her than another.

Now, let’s say;

  • He/she totally detest your values- you can’t stand lies- you believe in treating people fairly at all time. He/she lies at will and doesn’t give a damn about anyone else.
  • You abhor deceit of any kind- he/she thrives on it.You’re thrift and economical, he/she’s a spendthrift. A lavisher,extreemly extravagant.
  • He/she’s hot-headed.
  • One or both of you’re petty. 
  • You ignore issues to avoid confrontations.
  • He/she’s temperamental. The list goes on.

What am I saying? Now-both of you’ve been in a relationship for a while, the chemistry is there. The love is there, but each of the traits I mentioned has been rearing its ugly head and constantly you ignore it because you’re simply avoiding confrontations. The truth is- when one is in love, he/she’d do anything not to cause his/her partner pain. Even when it leads to confrontation one tends to choose his/her words carefully to avoid hurting his/her partner more than necessary. Now because of this nurturing, all keeps going well. The underlying differences are not treated/tackled, acknowledged. No definite solution is sort or deviced towards any particular issue.

The thing is- love is a strong feeling of affection and care towards another but it won’t be that intense all through- at a point it becomes a bond of friendship, companionship. It gets to this stage when the partners:-

  • Share similar values
  • Understand each other totally.
  • Relate easily.
  • Respect each other.
  •  Empathize with each other.

However, it’s my observation that a couple could still love each other without any of these key ingredients of a healthy relationship. You see where I’m headed? They may ‘ve love, which will undoubtably breed; tolerance, affection, care, forgiveness, patience for a while.

At the point a couple that had love together with the other components of a healthy relationship are headed into a more mature, comfortable state which is a bond of friendship and companionship. Those that had love with the components of an unhealthy relationship begins to tear apart. We get to hear-

  • I thought I loved him/her. Never really knew him/her.
  • We weren’t on the same page. His/her values were wack!
  • We weren’t compatible.
  • He/she never understood me.
  • He/she never respected me.
  • He/she just didn’t get me.

Well- these set could remain friends and still share strong feelings and bonds even after separation/divorce. Most times we wonder why they didn’t just try harder to be together. Some of those attributes of unhealthy relationships that I mentioned above definitely played a part. Those’re the reasons I’m convinced that, love isn’t enough when it comes to marriage. It has its relevance to marriage as I stated in one of my previous posts.  I’m of the opinion that it isn’t nearly enough though.

What’s your view on this topic? Care to share? It could save a future marriage or two. Who knows?

Why Do We Hang On To Toxic Relationships?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Why Do We Hang On To Toxic Relationships?

There ‘re so many stories, incidents I’ve come across lately that triggered this topic. Last month I came across a post on Facebook where a young man murdered his girl friend in cold blood. What was her offense? According to him, “she cheated.” Just this week still on Facebook I came across yet another disheartening story of a police lady who killed herself because her man jilted her while plans to marry were already underway.  There’re still more of such stories littered around the globe. There was also that of a pastor who killed his wife by stabbing her so many times- cause? He said; he suspected she was unfaithful. Ugh!

The thing is – when a relationship becomes toxic, anyone involved in it notices.  The decision to move on and the courage to follow-through, is what matters. One being able to make the right decision for him/herself, is what makes one mature.

Was he or she unfaithful? Does he/she exhibit unconscionable attitudes? Irreconcilable differences?  These are just few signs of an unhealthy relationship- its list is quite long.

So, what’s my point? Well, being in an unhealthy relationship doesn’t happen in a flash. It takes a while to grow from a tiny little reptile to a full blown dragon. One is bound to notice, the not so subtle changes along the line.

Well, If the distressing situations ‘ve become like weeds- that keeps sprouting back on. If it has become something  unforgivable for you. Why not move on? Are you glued together? Why take someone else’s  life over a relationship? Why commit suicide over a lady/man? You’re heart-broken? Are you the first? Someone that would find someone else within months and move on. Is it worth the “selfishness” of putting your loved ones through unspeakable misery? The irony is- just few years down the road. You may begin to wonder, what you ever saw in him/her. No one is worth dying for. No one is indispensable. I mean it. Haha…it may seem like an unbearable/impossible feat to accomplish at first but with time, you’d realize it probably was the best decision you ever made.

Toxic relationships are dangerous, although the victims in such relationships often keep making excuses for the partner while seeing the handwriting clearly on the wall. Why hang on to something that binds one to anxiety, distress, depression?

Self love is important and necessary. I’ve come to realize that everyone in life is treated exactly as he/she portrays him/herself. If your disposition- kind of screams, “I’m worthless- I don’t deserve any better.” You’d realize that such mind-set attracts, exactly those that’d think- “of course you’re!  A good thing I came along. Who else would’ve you?” Lol. Are you getting the picture? But once you have self-love; self-respect; know your worth. Once you grasp the simple fact that your happiness is entirely yours to achieve with a positive mind-set. You won’t tie your happiness, your progress, your fulfilment and goals to someone else. You’d exude confidence in whatever situations that turns up in life. And believe me, confidence is admirable. It effortlessly bestows respect, admiration from others. No one dares treat you anyhow when you respect and love yourself.

There’s this thing that bothers me though – gentlemen /ladies. This might sound like such a cliché but it’s the damn truth. A broken relationship is better and less messy than a broken marriage. If the thought of that current relationship churns- twists your gut with dreadful panics. It’s definitely unhealthy. Don’t plunge in headlong to a wretched life.

Quite a percentage of people who became casualties in their relationships all saw it coming. If he/she isn’t right for you. If you’re not compatible. If you walk constantly on eggshells around this partner; to avoid confrontations; to avoid battery; if he/she is temperamental;  mercurial in nature. Hanging on won’t change any of these traits. A partner can only work on traits that threatens his/her relationship if he/she values that relationship.

Nobody has a right to hold you ransom emotionally. Shake off that fear/uncertainty and move the heck on! Who knows? What you need may just be around the corner. If you don’t shut that toxic door you called

a”relationship,”another may not open. That’s all I’ve to say for now. If this writeup helped you in anyway, then I achieved my aim. Also don’t hesitate to share your thoughts with me, on here. Have a good day!

 

Is There Relevance To Cohabiting?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Is There Relevance To Cohabiting?

Well, I don’t mean to be a kill-joy this morning but I have often wondered. What are the benefits? Gentlemen/ ladies, why is it becoming a norm among the youth? Personally, I don’t see the need of cohabiting before marriage, especially for the girls. Playing “wife” to a man whom one isn’t  married to may not automatically make one “the wife.”

This trend is so common among the youths in the higher institutions. I maybe wrong but is it necessary for partners in a relationship to live together whether in school or not? I know this is the 21st century. I’m also aware it’s quite normal in a civilized world where things work. Such as in the western world. Where some date while in high school. May even marry shortly after high school. Get jobs and start their own family. Some in these countries also pick part-time jobs althrough college, save a little  then marry after college. Although those that went to school on scholarship would still be paying off school loans for a while but at least they wouldn’t be idle or jobless.

That’s where we get it wrong in this part of the world. Here in Africa, the scenario painted above isn’t viable. As a young lady, the young man you are dating in school, most likely doesn’t earn money or have any savings that amount to anything for the future. He’d  finish and still search for job probably for years if he’s unlucky or get one with a lousy paycheck and may still not save much or be ready to settle down in the next 5/6yrs. These facts, if nothing else may still breakup your relationship.

As this becomes apparent to the lady in such relationship. She begins to see how unrealistic it had all been. That’s not all…haa! You wish! As it dawns on her…she’s backing the wrong tree. The societal pressure sets in. It begins to dictate to her what’s obtainable or not. The choices would now be made dispassionately if she’s a conservative type.

What am I saying here? Well…we are quick to pick what works everywhere else but here in Africa. The question is, shouldn’t we know already things that wouldn’t work? They have systems that works in their societies. If you cohabit and it results to a pregnancy/child. There are schemes in place by the government for such happenstance. Such as social security benefits, child support if things didn’t eventually work out for the two as  couple.

I’d direct my question today to the young men/women cohabiting presently. What’s the relevance of your living with your partner? Where do you see yourselves in the next five years in this economic quagmire? If it results to pregnancy/pregnancies, could you cope? What are your contingency plans for such possibility?

I don’t know the reasons why it’s done or why those that participate in it, think it’s in anyway advantageous. Could it be to cut costs? To share the living expenses? But I do know the young lady involved would be the one making most of the sacrifices involved both emotionally and otherwise. For instance, if it results to pregnancy. It is her body involved not his. The bulk of decision making would rest solely on her, on what to do about the pregnancy. She’d begin to worry about things she shouldn’t be concerned about at this stage until after her education.

The bigger issue is even the distractions. Living a couple’s life when both should be focused more on lectures, term papers, regular youthful life and such. I just don’t get it. Is it becoming rampant because it’s the trend or beneficial in some ways I’m unaware of?

From where I stand the pros to this practice are not just visible but the cons are littered all over the place. Especially for the young ladies. I’ve heard severally- “it’s to get to know him/her better;” “a step closer to the huge step of becoming a married couple.”  Or “it’s quite realistic…its relevance is to see how well or not we cohabit as partners before the huge step.” If he/she’s a pretender/ illmanered, problematic, troublesome you’d get to see it. Hmm mm…? If it works, how come we see couples that dated for years breaking up just after about a year or two in marriage?

Young men and ladies, I definitely don’t want to kill your mojo. Uhm…whatever you have going-but I’d  like you to ponder on my questions. If there are benefits for cohabiting with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Do share it with me on here. I’d be thrilled to receive it. At least you’d  have quenched my curiosity.

What’s your thoughts on this topic? Share your views with me on here. I’m quite eager to hear it.

 

 

 

 

 

SELFISHNESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

SELFISHNESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

A lot of people admire couples that succeeded and had years of good marriages down their belts.What most don’t acknowledge is that it was never an easy ride…all rosy.

Some would hang on to a partner only because he/she is supporting him/her one way or another but vanishes into thin air once the table is turned. It never occur to such persons that some situations are temporary. If he/she stuck around, who know? This partner may even surpass his/her previous achievements. It’s all in the mind set.

This is so common, some married couples exhibit this traits too. A partner might do everything he or she could without a single complaint to his/her partner when the chips were down. God forbid the table turns;  God help you if it turned out your partner is one of the selfish ones. The whole world would get to know he/she has been catering for your wellbeing. This type would degrade; humiliate; and belittle you at every turn because he/she was at an advantage/helm of things for a while.

Well…in a friendship situation. There’s still room to avoid or cutoff completely from such dreadful person. Some that don’t find joy in altruistic acts. A person that can not commit him/herself to make things flow at this stage in your relationship may never grow to learn what he/she does wrong.

These kind are also self-absorbed. They rarely exhibit any form of sensitivity. Those with this trait and attitude to life may never realize how emotionally unavailable they often are… they feel entitled to every gesture from others as if it’s their birthright. Hahaha…

Does this sound familiar?

My advice to anyone involved with such insensitive specie of human being is to firstly, talk to him or her about it. If nothing changes. Walk away from that relationship. It won’t get better. It gets worse. This type could hasten one’s journey to meet the Maker. Such person unwittingly pushes his/her partner into depression.

A selfish person care-less about others needs, emotions, situation, perception. Everything is constantly viewed from his/her own binocular in his/her “little” world. Others should take a hike… who cares? Ignoring such appalling behavior could spell doom for the partner who had indulged such from the start. It takes two to tango. Any enviable relationship is always brewed out of team work. You don’t put both hands in your pockets in your euphoric  dream of granduer and expect your relationship to turn out right.

If you are out there and this write up makes you uncomfortable…it touches a nerve in you. Then it’s time you worked on yourself. Don’t always make it your partner’s fault. It could be you, destroying anything good that comes your way. Nothing kills a relationship even marriages faster than selfishness from a partner. Give a bit of yourself…it doesn’t kill. Share your precious time when you could with your partner, show appreciation. Be involved, committed to make your own relationship beautiful. To make it work, is  work in itself and shouldn’t be taken lithely. The ride is definitely smoother and more enjoyable with little or no friction when both wheels are functioning.

If this piece spoke to you, ponder on it. Work on yourself. Be to your partner what you wish your partner to be to you. Lol. Check yourself before you lose your valued possession in your ignorance.

That’s all I have to say today, ladies and gentlemen. Share your thoughts/views on this post with me. I’m eager to read them on here…

It’s Okay To Take A Break Ladies/Gentlemen-Ruminate!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

It’s Okay To Take A Break Ladies/Gentlemen – Ruminate!

My focus this evening is on ladies from 30yrs and above and eligible bachelors. Let’s meditate a bit on our lives. Reflect on how it has been up to this moment. Is there something one would love to change about him/herself? Ponder on this question till an answer comes forth.

I believe it’s very okay to take a walk from it all, for awhile. To take a break from one’s usual routine. The purpose is to take scores, check oneself; one’s habits. Ask oneself deep honest questions. Be honest enough to stare yourself in the eyes with the cold truth. Next step, let’s be determined to adjust where needed. Work on areas that needs to be worked on.

After this period of sober reflection. What are our new “dos” and “don’ts”? Let’s write them down somewhere. Finally, it’s a gradual process. We need to take them, a day at a time. See how it goes. Ignore the outside world while at it. The aim of this exercise is for a new and better version of you and I to emerge. Don’t be in a hurry to resurface. You have been on the surface for a pretty good while, a little break shouldn’t hurt.

Changing a particular trait in one’s character isn’t a day job. Ignoring that trait may hurt us that exhibit it more than those at the receiving end. Most times we are advised to be ourselves. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work on certain flaws that drive others away from our lives. Don’t wait for someone else to try to change you. You may not like the outcome. It might lead to resentment towards that person.

People can change, not completely but to a certain degree from whom they used to be. For this incredible transformation to occur. It has to be a personal decision with the determination to see it through. In the long run, it’s a win win situation. You get to see a new you and the people around you also get to notice these remarkable changes in you that would make them appreciate you the more.

Let’s take for instance; a person trying to quit alcoholism, insolence, snobbery, tantrums, thievery, promiscuity, use of harmful substance, smoking, devious behavior etc. All these vices and traits can only be stopped by a personal decision by oneself and no one else.

Picking up vices while growing up, isn’t that hard. Some environment makes it easy on young men/ladies to pick up unsuitable and unacceptable vices. But to quit these vices or to change from a particular character trait, is a decision one must make consciously and bear the discomforts that sprouts through this transformation process.

During this reminiscence, it’s important to focus on those vices and devise a way to quit, either by avoiding things or places that ignites the itch. Secondly, one has to be determined, strong-willed to see it through. And finally, disciplined enough. The rest is up to faith.

No form of reform has ever been easy. So don’t expect a walk in the park. It’s hard work. No matter the urge to go back to old ways. Do not allow it, fight it and beat it. It’s possible and can be achieved. I’m routing for us all and I know with determination and discipline one can quit any vice. Try it, if it worked, then I’m happy for you.

Do have a lovely day gentlemen and ladies!

“The Perfect Man?”

Hello Ladies …

My topic today says;

“The Perfect Man?”

Why do people keep prattling so much about ladies waiting for “the perfect” man? Who said just because a lady is yet to marry, she’s waiting for “some perfect” man? I wonder how that fallacy came to be. This now seem like a general assumption held against any lady above 30yrs of age and unmarried.

Does it mean those that dated abusive men, philanderers, con-men, criminals, even those that found out how incompatible they were and knew it won’t work out,  moved on were choosy? Not to mention those that had traumatic experiences. C’mon…? Really? Have you walked in their shoes?

Why do people date? Why do people court? Why do ladies and bachelors become friends? To know one another better. Right? During this period of friendship you found out certain traits  ingrained in this other person, that could cause you harm in the nearest future; such as violence, philandering, unreliability, sadistic nature.  Would you go ahead with him just to bear the tittle “Mrs”? Or thank your star, you found out just in time before entering into a serious commitment with him?

There’s this distaste in my mouth each time I hear people casually toss around this comment; “marriage is for procreation and nothing more”. “Compatibility, affection and all those mushy stuffs,  aren’t necessary”. To those that reasons this way. “Maturity” is accepting any proposal. Deal with whatever consequences later. This is a life changing decision that should be till death, being treated so casually. No wonder so many are miserable while some end up as sworn enemies. I mean, how can it be okay to say yes to just about “anyone” that shows up just because one is in her thirties or above? What happens when you ‘re already in, then the violence, abuse begins? This abusive person beats you blue black daily or sends you to an early grave? Who would then care for your innocent kids? Since you “must” accept “any.” what happens- if after tieing the knot, the criminal or con-man you accepted landed in jail? Or the philanderer who might send you to an untimely death(God forbid) due to his reckless and callous behaviour. Is it the emotional turmoil? The unbearable pain? Or the fear of STDS, curable and incurables? How can one live with such constant fear, being held ransom in one’s own home, insecurity and being constantly embarrassed?

I’m curious though. What’s with this constant need to make any lady trying to avoid unnecessary drama in her life after marriage seem like an unrealistic fool…?  Really? She’s the unrealistic? Not the hopelessly romantic, who thought it would  always be a smooth sail? A fairy-tale…?

Being extremely picky is not wise and nobody should encourage that but to constantly belittle, insult, demean those trying to use their heads to think beyond the “wedding day” is beyond my comprehension.

For instance a scenario where a man shows interest and the next thing, everyone reminds you, you aren’t getting any younger. Like we had amnesia? Haa…! Then you accept, only to realize your worst fear has become real. The astonishing part is, it’s still those same people that reminded you earlier, you aren’t getting any younger, that will soon preach for ” better or worse.” If it leads to malfunctioned home or death. Well, I’m guessing that literally means “or worse” in the  vow. Lol

Although I hate to sound so gloomy! Fact is, being within a certain age bracket and unmarried, attracts all sort of miscreants as suitors, but there are good ones too.  One needs to be careful… not overly so, a little dose will do just fine.

Why is something so seriously complicated as marriage intentionally treated with such levity? As if it’s easy to coexist. Even siblings born of same parents, find it difficult at times.

No man is perfect. Most ladies know this fact. We aren’t toddlers.  Being cautious not to end up with a total stranger who may have so many tricks up his sleeves, shouldn’t be viewed as being picky; choosy; immature.  Just because some rushed in due to whatever reasons they had, doesn’t mean everyone should. Everyone mustn’t learn from personal mistakes.

When there’s friendship, connection, compatibility, trust, mutual understanding and respect. I sincerely believe it would reduce; disillusionment; resentments and nonchalance in marriages. Well…just my humble opinion. What do I know?

What do you think? Share your view on this with me. Criticism is also allowed.