Why Blame Others???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Wow! It’s been a while. How’s the day going? Smootly, I hope.

My today’s topic says;

Why Blame Others???

Lol! I see brows being raised. Well- curiosity kills the cat- they say. Uhm…where am I headed with this epistle?

My focus today is on relationships. Oftentimes I hear men “whining” mostly about ladies that rejected their proposal for a relationship and still ended up alone. Haha.. this is hilarious. Please I would like to know the “connection” here. As a man- do you ask every lady you meet out? Is it all the women that crosses your path, that you connect with? Why then do you expect every lady you speak with to be “grateful” instantly- thank her “God” for the previledge to be spoken to by you. Lol!

There’re different categories of men I’ve taken notice of lately. One thing I found out they’ve in common, is this unbearable “ego” that a woman should be grateful and worship the ground they walked on, because they’re the best thing since sliced – bread. Hahaha..

The categories are-

  • The superficial- vain, shallow, type of men who never quite figure out what they want in life. This type rely mostly on their looks to be enough to get them by. They never have core values or place any value on relavant things. They’re often focused on trivial things, stuffs that real men have no time for. Now when a sensible woman sees this traits and rejects their offer for a relationship. Why would anyone think she would regret being on her own than being with such a nuisance? Haha…are you getting my point?
  • The “timid”- these ones would boast to their friends about their prowess and expertise but the truth remains that they’re tongue-tied and timid once in the presence of a lady. There’s nothing that irritates a woman, especially the career focused type as a man, not bold enough to state what he wants or needs. Haa! What’s the worst that could happen? To her, it’s as simple as you expressing why you think a relationship with her is a good idea. If you can’t do even that. Then how can you handle “communication” while in the relationship? Lol! That’ll simply be a disaster waiting to happen. Now- pray tell, how’ll a sensible person regret not allowing such a mishap in her life? If you can not express your feelings to someone you supposedly care about, maybe you don’t care about that person as much as you think- because if you do, then you’ll do whatever you’ve got to do to be with him/her.
  • The hardcore manipulators- these ones. It’s all about them and nobody else. Every plan, thoughts, actions, is viewed singularly by how it’ll affect their own “perfect plans.” They search for someone that will “fit-in” into their already mapped out plans, not giving a thought what your ambition or plans are This type has no room for compromise, nothing gives. To them, it’s all or nothing.

There’s no perfect man out there nor any perfect woman for that matter. We’re mostly searching for the same thing. Someone who’ll see the good in us and work with it to bring out the “best” in us. Not someone who will zealously bring out the worst in us. This might be the reasons some said “NO” to you. As a man, if you’re ready to make a relationship work, it’ll probably work. Your approach towards wooing a lady matters alot. Show her you’re willing to be a team, not a “one man” squad. Communicate with her. She isn’t a soothsayer. Hear her out sometimes, you could be surprised by her apt understanding of the situation.

If this piece changes your view on some women. If it opens up a door in your mind that it’s not that simple or simply black or white. If you now see, there’re grey areas too- why some women rejected you in the past and let the “bitterness” go. Then, I believe this writeup has served it purpose and was meant for you! Do have a wonderful weekend you all!

Did I Advocate Promiscuity??? Hell No!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

 

Some months back I talked about situations that might have aided insecurities/uncertainties that so many ladies in our society faces in their various relationships . And why a lot of the singles out there now “heed” to this advise; https://kareninspirational.com/2017/03/23/all-eggs-in-one-…u-for-or-against/

-which ordinarily isn’t ideal. The post being referred to was titled-

“All Eggs In One Basket/ Are You For Or Against???”

Personally, I detest unfaithfulness in a relationship. It’s just not in me to ignore irresponsible/unruly behavior in a relationship, unless I’m unaware. Be that as it may, a lot depends on how the perpetrator viewed his/her action.​

​​

However, that’s not what this post is about.  A comment on my Facebook page  Kareninspirational For Singles-  got to me. I’d like to explain more here. Although I replied, I felt he still didn’t get what I was on about at the time. I’d intended then, to respond through a new post- knowing well,  he might not had been the only one who misunderstood the previous post, but other things got in the way. So, here we are;
It was just that single question. But was it loaded?! Lol! He asked why I gave such offensive advice, “encouraging people to cheat in their relationships,” paraphrased. He asked what I intended to achieve. “It was deceitful of me”. He quipped.  Well… I responded by advising him to peruse the article again to grasp what it was truly about.

What got to me however was how men are quick most times to defend oppressive “norms” in our society. Which mostly work in their favour. Some of the defensive techniques now being displayed by some female folks were improvised to cub the thoughtless and callous attitudes of some men.

​As a single lady in my opinion, if the relationship isn’t serious, no commitments whatsoever. Why hang on to it? Even if you’re engaged. Do you aspire to become “Lord of the Rings?” There has to be a reasonable period of time, you could wait for someone.  Move on if commitment isn’t forthcoming. Don’t lie to yourself, if things aren’t working out, you can feel it already. Don’t be desperate. Don’t force yourself on someone who has made you an option or a backup strategy. The thing is- eventually you may regret it. If you found the courage to move on- never allow yourself to be blackmailed. Some will psych you into believing it didn’t work because you left. Really?


The hard truth is- some spend years in a relationship only for a partner to break up, leave at the doff of a hat, with some flimsy excuse or without any in some cases. Now- place a lady that entered such a relationship at 24/25yrs of age in this scenario- say 3 to 4yrs later. She’s left to start afresh, to cultivate a new relationship from the scratch. Say, she’s 28/29yrs or thereabout at this time. Why should this lady hang on to you or date you exclusively for two/three yrs if you’d refused discussing where the relationship was headed?
https://kareninspirational.com/2017/03/23/all-eggs-in-one-…u-for-or-against

On this particular post above, I didn’t actually  advocate promiscuity ” Not putting all the eggs in one basket.” Doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. A lady could date casually, no intimacy or all that. All she needs is to be open minded.  The  aim for dating is to know a bit more about the person. However I pointed out that I totally grasp the reasons behind not  wanting to be exclusive with someone who’s uncommitted to the relationship.

​Has anyone noticed how vocal and agitated some men become if anything or anyone threatens the paradigm? The status quo? It  baffles me that someone who failed to define his relationship after a year or two would feel he’s entitled to exclusive relationship, when he has made absolutely no iota of commitment to that relationship. Shouldn’t that be likened to one “eating his cake and having it still?”

What’s your view on this issue? Do share it with me on here. Have a wonderful day you all!

WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON LADIES PLAYING- “HARD TO GET”???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON LADIES PLAYING-“HARD TO GET “???

Well- I’d  love to know your view on this over flogged phrase used mostly by men in our society, to describe ladies reactions while being wooed.

Now- what does wooing mean? The English dictionary defines it as; to endeavor to gain someone’s affection.  This act has been in existence for centuries. The world has evolved though- civilization, especially through the birth of social media has almost changed the wooing game completely. Some ladies are emboldened through civilization- and more likely to express their feelings towards a man they fancied or found interesting. Funny enough, these changes haven’t automatically scrapped the lamenting of some men; that some ladies play “hard to get” even when they’re interested in the proposed courtship.

My take on this wailing from men- on ladies playing hard to get or acting indifferent while being wooed by the opposite sex, is that- it shouldn’t be generalized. Every Tom, Dick and Pedro now claims, a lady played hard to get on him. Even though, it could just be a case of unrequited love.

The thing is- I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. My view is- I don’t believe it happens as frequently as those whose ego has been smashed to rubble, want us to believe. Has it ever occurred to some men that, a lady who refused to pick your calls- claimed too busy for a date with you, may just be passing across a direct message- which is, she isn’t interested. I mean, is it not similar to how some, initiate breakups? Some ladies find it difficult to reject a relationship proposal, straight to your face. Especially the sensitive ones; trying to save you that awkward conversation.

Fact is-some ladies play hard to get for real at least in our African setting. Upbringing plays a huge role in shaping one’s character. Those days, etiquette demanded a young lady should carry herself in a certain manner. Having been taught from childhood it’s unladylike to be unrestrained. Or show interest initially while being wooed.

Truth be told- some men actually badmouth/mistreat ladies who were interested in them from the onset. They would at times call such person cheap. Going by this belief, he won’t value the relationship and would eventually take her for granted. This particular logic agrees with the cliche- “people generally value what they made strenuous effort for.”

What about having an open mind? It may or may not be any of those plausible reasons. Things aren’t always what they seemed. What if she happened to be in a relationship and wasn’t interested or available? What if instinctively, she knew, she wouldn’t’ date you? What if just after minutes of talking with you on a first date- she had already seen traits that disgusted her? Do we really think a jerk, is that hard to spot? Lol. Or a braggart? Or a vain man- so fixated on his look? Or a pompous prig? Who thinks he’s the best thing since chocolate. Haha…these’re strictly my opinions though.

My point is- ego is a dangerous trait in any human being. You may never know her reasons for lack of interest initially. I think it’s so wrong to always assume it was an “act.” A lady may not like your personality at first. But something you did, maybe on a date or a particular trait you’ve may gradually melt her heart and endears you to her. That doesn’t mean she was pretending at first. It might just be that you gradually won her over. Understand that, she might not have been interested in you until she began to see traits she likes in you.

My humble advice? If she wouldn’t take your calls – shows absolutely zero interest in you. Move the heck on- she probably isn’t playing any stupid game. Could be, she’s simply not interested in you.

LEARN TO MIND YOUR BUSINESS-PLEASE!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is on a jovial route. It says ;

Learn To Mind Your Business-Please!!!

Hahaha…funny right? I know…

The other day I came across a post on Facebook where a lady was reprimanding those that’d bring her juicy news/ gossip of her boyfriend “extracurricular” activities, which she was blissfully unaware of. She said anyone that brought her such unpleasant news “owed” her a new boyfriend. Lol! As funny as this sounds- I see her point.

I wonder why some make themselves sole bearers of unsolicited bad news to others. Once it’s a news that’d cause the person unimaginable grief, this type of busy- bodies just want to be there when it unfolds. They want to watch your face, witness every detail of your reaction as you battle for composure. She/he could regale others with this sizzling gist- disguised as “sharing” her sympathy for “you” to them, of course. Haha… if it was something good- he/she wouldn’t have had time to contact you in person. People simply crave for something bad to happen- if it doesn’t. Some would even twist something good- all in a futile effort to make it appear bad.

Why I agree with the lady’s post on Facebook? Okay, you think or know for a fact that her man is cheating on her. Uhm… you’re loyal and must protect your friend! I get that too. You’re sure her relationship is now in shambles! Oh! I know… haha.  Now- you’ve become her avenging angel, must protect her and save her from further embarrassment! Of course. Lol! What’re friends for? My question though is- what’ve you achieved by being nosy/ meddling into her affairs? What happened to minding your own business? Is it your affair? How sure are you of your own partner?

Lol! Hear me out first- I’m not saying if his/her partner is cheating, that- it’s okay. Far from that, neither am I saying do nothing if you knew for a fact and this is a good friend. But don’t make it a juicy gossip and dump it on him/her like you’re doing him/her a favour! I hate gossipers with passion. There’re ways one can alert a friend of his/her partner’s behavior, without actually pointing a finger. A sensible person would take note and device a way to sort things out with his/her partner without making a ruckus about it.

Gossipers make a mess of things, most times. Even King David killed gossipers twice in the Holy Book. The first gossiper, brought him a juicy news of King Saul’s death, expecting a pat on the back or even a befitting gift, instead he got his death. The second gossipers brought him a hot gist of how they killed Ishbosheth- while he was having an afternoon nap in his own home! It gets worse- those two were the perpetrators of the said crime…thinking it’d please him- that they had killed his “presumed” enemy. Lol! I call them the overzealous- “Baanah” and “Rechab.” What did this act fetch them? Their hands and feet were severed from their bodies!  Check it out- tell me if I’m making a valid point- 2Samuel4:5-12. It is an interesting read I assure you.

The thing is- let’s all learn to mind our business. I try hard to do just that because I’d realized quite early in life that things aren’t always what they seemed. For instance- from the story above Baanah and Rechab thought what they did was a show of loyalty to David- what they didn’t know was one single “fact”- David never saw King Saul or his family as his enemies. You may think you’re bringing your “friend”a good and valuable news. But you aren’t the one in that relationship, so you may not know that “single” fact that binds them- just as it happened in the narrative above.

I think I’ve said enough- just stay off other peoples matters. She who wears the shoes knows where it hurts. There’re different shades too. You can never tell. Your baggage might be bigger than that of whom, you’ve asigned yourself to watch over. He/she might have deeper history why things seem the way they appear to you. Do have a lovely day you all!

 

Sex On A First Date???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is one of those situations  we’d rather not acknowledge because it makes us uncomfortable, particularly the ladies.

Sex On A First Date???

Now- I hate to sound vulgar here! But there aren’t many ways to hit the nail by the head.  My focus here today is on those that actually believe they’re in a genuine relationship, leading to something more.

Why am I writing this? Well- to alert younger ladies of the harm they may fall into if not a bit more careful in their various relationships, especially at the initial stages. My aim is also to reach those who may not be aware that, there’re predators out there, who prey on the innocent. The opportunists who might appear genuine, luring you into believing there’s more to it all. Maybe you just got out of a bad relationship. Maybe you haven’t even had one yet. Naive, vulnerable -ah ha! The perfect ingredients that attracts this particular specie of human beings.

The thing is- no matter how careful you’re, you could still fall into this act. Waste valuable time/years of your life thinking you’re in a relationship. But sadly, you might have made a huge mistake by that single act. On rare occasions, it might work out but it rarely does. Has it occurred to you, he might be wondering, how many times, you’ve done same with other guys? Lack of self control. Sorry- “truth is bitter” they say.

These are few signs that you’re not his girlfriend after such encounter.

  • He isn’t really interested in you anymore. Would you blame him? No more mysteries about you to unravel.
  • He now starves you of his attention, avoids deep conversations with you but suddenly becomes nice out of the blue when he wants to invite you over for the night. Lol. Sounds familiar? He has relegated you to a booty.
  • He begins to avoid your calls or going on dates with you. This is a message to you, that he has lost interest in you. Move on and learn from your mistake.
  • He could tag along but talks nothing else but sex-related issues with you and tactfully leads each discussion back to sex. This is simply because, you’ve become a sex object to him.
  • He might never be motivated to please you. This is simply because he has no plan to tag along nor have any plans for the future with you.
  • Your value reduces drastically when you jump into bed with a man on a first date or couple of dates, except on very rare occasions.

The thing is- these things aren’t cast in stone- use your discernment. You just met a man. What a first date is made for, is for you to get to know a bit about him. It’s even super important to restrain yourself, if you liked him totally. It’s not pretence. It’s called exercising decorum. If you truly liked someone, you’d want to get to know him better. No matter how many relationships stories you’ve read or what you’ve been told. My humble advice?

Never be in a hurry to share a man’s bed. Intimacy isn’t all that… I might sound archaic to you. Truth is- it is, what it is. Fact is, it’s crucial you avoid intimacy at the initial stage of a relationship, if you remotely want to get to know your man or want him to actually take time to know you. Sounds old-school? I bet. It’s the truth though- take it or not.  A man that truly cares about you, would be patient.

Some would tell you lame stories about their “friends” who slept with their girlfriends on their first dates and re now married. “Bull!”- it’s just a line, they use to get laid.  So? what’s the relevance of sharing that information with you, at that particular moment? Let’s use our heads more, my ladies. Don’t ever allow yourself to be pressured into sex in a relationship. If he has good intention towards you. Believe you me, he’d wait. What’s the rush? Unless there’s an ulterior motive.

Ladies/ gentlemen, what’s your view on this matter?

 

What Did You Learn From Your Previous Relationship/s???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

I’m here again with one of those topics that we’d rather not talk about and quite uncomfortable with. My today’s topic is a question to singles. Ladies and gentlemen;

 What Did You Learn From Your Previous Relationship/s ???

Well- I promised right from the onset that I’d be your voice of reasoning, if you’d let me. What tangible lessons did we learn from our past relationships? There ‘re no breakups without reasons. There must be something that triggered that dissatisfaction, that led to the breakup even if it was neither acknowledged nor discussed.

Now- let me elaborate a bit. If you were in a relationship with someone; extravagant, mercurial in nature, a philanderer, abusive, temperamental, sadistic, aggressive and so forth. And you never got accustomed to a particular trait- among the traits mentioned above. That he/she exhibited which caused issues in your relationship. What did you learn from that relationship, about yourself, about your preference? Have you had a “me time” reminiscened on how you handled a particular situation? Or how you’d handle it if it presents itself again in the future.

Let’s take for instance in that relationship, you- and not your partner, were the problem. Let’s assume one’s partner was the one complaining about traits that one exhibited that wasn’t acceptable to him/her. Now- that you’re out of that relationship, ‘ve you thought about it? Have you honestly looked inward and taken notes of those traits that were intolerable to your previous partner? Although what might ‘ve been off putting to a particular partner might be endearing to another. This is where one needs to be alert, to know what works or not with one’s new partner. Don’t assume because “A” liked a certain trait you’ve, “B” should.

For instance, if you were in a whirlpool  kind of relationship because you and your partner constantly fought over some shady issues. Eg. If one of you cheated repeatedly and lied about it.  Now- if you were the problem. Have you learned from that terrible mistake? If your partner was the culprit, ‘ve you learned the tale tell signs of people with such traits? Could you easily identify someone with such personality given the chance for a few dates or would you still fall for the same trick?

Let’s say a particular trait/ attitude/appearance/complexion,  attracts you to an individual of the opposite sex. And you have learned through experience that, such trait is irrelevant when it comes to building a relationship- would you still fall for that same trait? If you’re quick tempered, it takes a lot to learn how to rein in one’s temper. So, while working on how to control your temper, you may consider dating someone who isn’t ill-tempered as yourself.

 

If you’ve discovered you have issues with duplicity, then avoid deceptive men/women while venturing into another relationship. Take your time, study him/her well during the dating stage. If it isn’t what you’d hoped for, extricate yourself tactfully.

Why “do the same thing over and over and expect different results?” what I’m about this evening- isn’t if the breakup was one’s fault or not. My focus is on what it’d taught you.

We should always reminiscence after a failed relationship before going into another, to avoid making the same mistakes, over and over.  Let’s be observant enough to learn a tangible lesson from a relationship that didn’t work out.

Share your view or past relationship experience and what it has taught you with us. Let’s have fun while at it!

 

Why Mistake Self-Worth For Arrogance???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Why Mistake Self Worth For Arrogance???

What does this word arrogance mean? The English dictionary defines it as; “the act or habit of arrogating, or making an undue claim in an overbearing manner.” I believe that definition is self explanatory. Now- what is self-worth? The English dictionary comes handy once more; “one’s abilities in self assessment.” The interesting thing is- knowing your worth actually makes it necessary for you to respect “the worth” of  others.  It works both ways.

Have you noticed how some people get so intimidated, by anyone that has a mind of his/her own? People sort of bond quicker with the vulnerable, the weak. Those that have no say/uncomfortable in their own skin- wanting to be led by others or by the status quo, than those that tend to have personal convictions, opinions.  What’s my point? Well- a lady that has self-love would definitely have convictions on how she’s supposed to be treated by another individual. Take for instance. A low self-esteemed lady, gets into a relationship with a sadist, or a lowlife who maltreats or simply depress the life of out her by his thoughtless conducts. We are talking about an unhealthy relationship here.

She comforts herself; positions her mind- to the mindset that, “that’s how most relationships are.” She tells herself, “the grass always seems greener on the other side.” Although I believe this cliche has some truth in it. It sprouts the question; is there even grass within your vicinity?Permit me to speak metaphorically. What’re you comparing your situation with? How green it is, to me seems irrelevant when the lawn has dried up completely on your side of the lawn.

I often wonder why we Africans are so fixated on this issue of “marriage” especially concerning the ladies of marriageable ages. Aren’t there more perilous and overwhelming situations, we should focus on and tackle? If we remotely wish to attain civilization. It’s so bad that some would hate you for not being desperate about it. For going on with your life. For refusing to measure your contentment or achievement solely on a wedding-band fixed on your fourth finger. Some speak of nothing else, than speculate on why it doesn’t bother you.

Lol! Honestly, the question should be; why’re they so bothered? Sadly, when you’re thirty years of age or above and unmarried. I have realized people consciously or subconsciously, expect you to be sad, depressed- to ‘ve this gloomy aura of the doomed. That’s when they become ecstatic, delirious with joy!  “We thought she won’t feel it!” Now- there it is! They quip, enthusiastically. Sadistic creatures…haha. So, what? How exactly does being hopeless, depressed help anyone?

Anyone in this circumstance surrounded by such ugly devourers, who want to tear you down because you’ve refused to play by the rotten book; running around like a headless chicken. As if your life existence  depends on getting married. Separate yourself from such people, distance yourself, no matter how close these set of people are to you. They aren’t looking out for you. They are rather “small minded” people.

I don’t know why some people easily mistake self worth for arrogance. Self esteem to me simply means, respecting one’s self. Having confidence in yourself enough to have certain principles, you abide with. You don’t let pressure, circumstances or manipulations by others dither you. You simply hold your own, no matter what. How’s this audacious trait, maneuvered into something viewed with disdain? It baffles me.

If this topic spoke to you or you have a different opinion, about it. Please share it with us here, it might help someone out there.

 

Avoid Unnecessary Mistakes/Try This- In Your Relationship!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Avoid Unnecessary Mistakes/ Try This- In Your Relationship!!!

There’s a saying that; “no two marriages are alike.” I believe that could be said for relationships too. As thumbprints are different, so are relationships. People from different orientations, with different personalities, trying to find a balance- a particular person that suits him/her. However, there’re still mistakes that are generally made while in relationships. I believe, learning from others mistakes- could save us from unnecessary headaches/heartaches in the future.

Growing up, I knew this particular couple. They were simply in sync. People loved and admired them. They courted for close to seven years. Then, they got married- the issues started, then, escalated! These two were almost living in each other’s apartment, during those years in courtship, they were quite close. Despite all that, within a year, their marriage, crumbled! It took me years, to appease my curiosity. Lol. For some reasons beyond my comprehension, I kept wondering… their breakup/divorce, gnawed at me. I wanted to know what could’ve caused the discord, within such a short period of time. Later I discovered, a lot of things they tolerated while courting, they couldn’t ingest during the marriage proper. It turned out to be a very costly mistake for both of them. After all those years, they parted as sworn enemies.

Now- these are the few points that I think might help us avoid costly mistakes in our relationships;

  • Ladies, let’s develop ourselves; know your dislikes; your likes; your strengths; your weaknesses; develop self-love;
  • Study your man; pay attention to little things- is he liberal or a conversative? Do you share similar values? Let’s observe these things, before accepting that proposal.
  • Does he want a spirited wife or a docile one?
  • Never have the mindset that you would change him.
  • Don’t  pretend during courtship-e.g. If you don’t like, mountain climbing – don’t pretend you do, just to convince him, you’re the one. In a nutshell, don’t accept whatever you plan not to accept in marriage proper.
  • Be yourself, be open-minded about the relationship.

Gentlemen- all those points listed above are applicable to men too. It’s paramount to know yourself, discover yourself before you uproot someone else from her rooted environment to share your life as your partner.

I discovered that, there are people who never  knew what they wanted out of life- not even their likes or dislikes, nor had any particular convictions, principles before tieing the knot. They just drifted; merging with other people’s identity, living on popular opinions until marriage. If he hadn’t even figured himself out. How’d he expect his partner to unravel all that?  Now- while in the marriage, this side of him, begins to rear its ugly head. Take for instance:-

  • A man that married a spirited lady only to realize, he actually preferred  a docile type- who wouldn’t ‘ve a mind of her own. Who wouldn’t be so opinionated, exerting. How would he not grow to resent the wife?
  • Or one that preferred energetic women; extroverts, lively, ending up with an introvert, only because he hadn’t known his preference at the time he got married. What do you think the outcome would be?

The thing is- mistakes are parts of learning. A life devoid of mistakes may not have adequate experience of what works or not. They’re the necessities of life but then- avioding a costly mistake whenever it’s possible, seems like one’s best bet.

What’s your thought on this post? I’m eager to hear your opinion.

Ladies Above 30 In Here!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Ladies Above 30- In Here!!!

I’m going to share a bit of myself on today’s post. Although I’m a very private person- an introvert to boot. All through my previous articles, I’ve tactfully distanced myself from my writeups. But something happened to me recently, that prompted me to share this here. I’m actually not sure why I’m sharing this here. For sympathy? I doubt. For understanding? For proper scolding from strangers? I don’t think so! To lighten the burden in my heart? Probably. Fact is- I’m not exactly sure why.

I ended my almost 3year old relationship just about 2months ago. We were already making plans for a future together. Well- this wouldn’t be a big deal if you aren’t in your 30ties and expected by everyone, to be settled in your husband’s house at this stage with kids of your own. Now- bring this scenario down to an African setting- i.e. Nigeria. Then you would realize how crazy, unimaginable, this action, sounds to many. I must be crazy to end a relationship at my “age” no matter what. I should be grateful a man even spoke to me, right? I should’ve crawled on my knees- “barked like a dog” or “hopped around until I am commanded to do otherwise. To make sure I win the ring. No? ( borrowed from that hilarious scene from the classic “Coming To America”). What could be worse than being a spinster in Africa?

I’ve never been one to bother myself with what others think of me or my actions. For once in my life though, I was bothered. I was almost crushed not because I ended things but due to how some of my closest friends reacted to it- without even listening to the reasons behind my action. Like I mentioned in one of my previous articles- once your relationship is in a rocky place, you know it. Pretending all was well just to bag the “Mrs” title would’ve been living a lie, postponing the inevitable. When there’re conflicts of interest/problems/glaring differences, in a relationship- the  ability to admit these problems exists. Then, sorting out viable solutions to rectify them. To me, is the only way forward.

Sadly our society mostly care about the “Mrs” title and nothing more. Some viewed my action as foolish. Others, as an act of ignorance- to some, it portrayed   arrogance, silliness etc.

Well, we can’t all view marriage as a “do or die” affair folks. That, I’m in my thirties doesn’t mean I should desperately hang on to a man even when I see danger in doing so, nor does it mean I’m without a choice in deciding whom I should be with. It also doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pursue other goals of mine and live a moderately happy life while at it. And the truth is- we are not toddlers. I don’t think any lady above thirty years of age is looking for a “perfect man.” Wanting to share my life with a decent person isn’t too much to ask, or is it?

 

Is Love Enough?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Is Love Enough?

All through the years I have seen very excited couples to be, turn sworn enemies within months or couple of years down the road. We’ve all seen couples that seemed like a match made in Heaven, only to watch it all crumble at some point. My focus here is on those that actually loved themselves from the onset.

I’ve this personal convictions which are solely mine, of the factors that causes problems, irreconcilable differences and breakups among couples that actually loved themselves, after tieing the knot. Over the years I’ve observed that- it’s  possible to love someone yet disagree with this same person’s values.

Love- to me doesn’t take away one’s senses. It heightens and sharpens them. If one is infatuated it’s a different ball game. You could be carried away by the sizzling passion. But love? NO. Let’s not forget- when you love someone-you get to know them on a different level. Especially if this feeling is reciprocated. You’d know their;  flaws; their weaknesses; you’d know to an extent how his/her mind works. You could predict his/her actions even, at times; you’d know when and what makes him or her angry, happy, sad. Although you’ve  all these knowledge at your fingertips, you still love him/her and would rather be with him/her than another.

Now, let’s say;

  • He/she totally detest your values- you can’t stand lies- you believe in treating people fairly at all times. He/she lies at will and doesn’t give a damn about anyone else.
  • You abhor deceit of any kind- he/she thrives on it.You’re thrift and economical, he/she’s a spendthrift. A lavisher,extreemly extravagant.
  • He/she’s hot-headed.
  • One or both of you’re petty. 
  • You ignore issues to avoid confrontations.
  • He/she’s temperamental. The list goes on.

What am I saying? Now-both of you’ve been in a relationship for a while, the chemistry is there. The love is there, but each of the traits I mentioned has been rearing its ugly head and constantly you ignore it because you’re simply avoiding confrontations. The truth is- when one is in love, he/she’d do anything not to cause his/her partner pain. Even when it leads to confrontation one tends to choose his/her words carefully to avoid hurting his/her partner more than necessary. Now because of this nurturing, all keeps going well. The underlying differences are not treated/tackled, or acknowledged. No definite solution is sort or deviced towards any particular issue.

The thing is- love is a strong feeling of affection and care towards another but it won’t be that intense all through- at a point it becomes a bond of friendship, companionship. It gets to this stage when the partners:-

  • Share similar values
  • Understand each other totally.
  • Relate easily.
  • Respect each other.
  • Empathize with each other.

However, it’s my observation that a couple could still love each other without any of these key ingredients of a healthy relationship. You see where I’m headed? They may ‘ve love, which will undoubtably breed; tolerance, affection, care, forgiveness, patience for a while.

At the point a couple that had love together with the other components of a healthy relationship are headed into a more mature, comfortable state which is a bond of friendship and companionship. Those that had love with the components of an unhealthy relationship begins to tear apart. We get to hear-

  • I thought I loved him/her. Never really knew him/her.
  • We weren’t on the same page. His/her values were wack!
  • We weren’t compatible.
  • He/she never understood me.
  • He/she never respected me.
  • He/she just didn’t get me.

Well- these set could remain friends and still share strong feelings and bonds even after separation/divorce. Most times we wonder why they didn’t just try harder to be together. Some of those attributes of unhealthy relationships that I mentioned above definitely played a part. Those’re the reasons I’m convinced that, love isn’t enough when it comes to marriage. It has its relevance to marriage as I stated in one of my previous posts.  I’m of the opinion that it isn’t nearly enough though.

What’s your view on this topic? Care to share? It could save a future marriage or two. Who knows?

Why Do We Hang On To Toxic Relationships?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Why Do We Hang On To Toxic Relationships?

There ‘re so many stories, incidents I’ve come across lately that triggered this topic. Last month I came across a post on Facebook where a young man murdered his girl friend in cold blood. What was her offense? According to him, “she cheated.” Just this week still on Facebook I came across yet another disheartening story of a police lady who killed herself because her man jilted her while plans to marry were already underway.  There’re still more of such stories littered around the globe. There was also that of a pastor who killed his wife by stabbing her so many times- cause? He said; he suspected she was unfaithful. Ugh!

The thing is – when a relationship becomes toxic, anyone involved in it notices.  The decision to move on and the courage to follow-through, is what matters. One being able to make the right decision for him/herself, is what makes one mature.

Was he or she unfaithful? Does he/she exhibit unconscionable attitudes? Irreconcilable differences?  These are just few signs of an unhealthy relationship- its list is quite long.

So, what’s my point? Well, being in an unhealthy relationship doesn’t happen in a flash. It takes a while to grow from a tiny little reptile to a full blown dragon. One is bound to notice, the not so subtle changes along the line.

Well, If the distressing situations ‘ve become like weeds- that keeps sprouting back on. If it has become something  unforgivable for you. Why not move on? Are you glued together? Why take someone else’s  life over a relationship? Why commit suicide over a lady/man? You’re heart-broken? Are you the first? Someone that would find someone else within months and move on. Is it worth the “selfishness” of putting your loved ones through unspeakable misery? The irony is- just few years down the road. You may begin to wonder, what you ever saw in him/her. No one is worth dying for. No one is indispensable. I mean it. Haha…it may seem like an unbearable/impossible feat to accomplish at first but with time, you’d realize it probably was the best decision you ever made.

Toxic relationships are dangerous, although the victims in such relationships often keep making excuses for the partner while seeing the handwriting clearly on the wall. Why hang on to something that binds one to anxiety, distress, depression?

Self love is important and necessary. I’ve come to realize that everyone in life is treated exactly as he/she portrays him/herself. If your disposition- kind of screams, “I’m worthless- I don’t deserve any better.” You’d realize that such mind-set attracts, exactly those that’d think- “of course you’re!  A good thing I came along. Who else would’ve you?” Lol. Are you getting the picture? But once you have self-love; self-respect; know your worth. Once you grasp the simple fact that your happiness is entirely yours to achieve with a positive mind-set. You won’t tie your happiness, your progress, your fulfilment and goals to someone else. You’d exude confidence in whatever situations that turns up in life. And believe me, confidence is admirable. It effortlessly bestows respect, admiration from others. No one dares treat you anyhow when you respect and love yourself.

There’s this thing that bothers me though – gentlemen /ladies. This might sound like such a cliché but it’s the damn truth. A broken relationship is better and less messy than a broken marriage. If the thought of that current relationship churns- twists your gut with dreadful panics. It’s definitely unhealthy. Don’t plunge in headlong to a wretched life.

Quite a percentage of people who became casualties in their relationships all saw it coming. If he/she isn’t right for you. If you’re not compatible. If you walk constantly on eggshells around this partner; to avoid confrontations; to avoid battery; if he/she is temperamental;  mercurial in nature. Hanging on won’t change any of these traits. A partner can only work on traits that threatens his/her relationship if he/she values that relationship.

Nobody has a right to hold you ransom emotionally. Shake off that fear/uncertainty and move the heck on! Who knows? What you need may just be around the corner. If you don’t shut that toxic door you called

a”relationship,”another may not open. That’s all I’ve to say for now. If this writeup helped you in anyway, then I achieved my aim. Also don’t hesitate to share your thoughts with me, on here. Have a good day!

 

Is There Relevance To Cohabiting?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Is There Relevance To Cohabiting?

Well, I don’t mean to be a kill-joy this morning but I have often wondered. What are the benefits? Gentlemen/ ladies, why is it becoming a norm among the youth? Personally, I don’t see the need of cohabiting before marriage, especially for the girls. Playing “wife” to a man whom one isn’t  married to may not automatically make one “the wife.”

This trend is so common among the youths in the higher institutions. I maybe wrong but is it necessary for partners in a relationship to live together whether in school or not? I know this is the 21st century. I’m also aware it’s quite normal in a civilized world where things work. Such as in the western world. Where some date while in high school. May even marry shortly after high school. Get jobs and start their own family. Some in these countries also pick part-time jobs althrough college, save a little  then marry after college. Although those that went to school on scholarship would still be paying off school loans for a while but at least they wouldn’t be idle or jobless.

That’s where we get it wrong in this part of the world. Here in Africa, the scenario painted above isn’t viable. As a young lady, the young man you are dating in school, most likely doesn’t earn money or have any savings that amount to anything for the future. He’d  finish and still search for job probably for years if he’s unlucky or get one with a lousy paycheck and may still not save much or be ready to settle down in the next 5/6yrs. These facts, if nothing else may still breakup your relationship.

As this becomes apparent to the lady in such relationship. She begins to see how unrealistic it had all been. That’s not all…haa! You wish! As it dawns on her…she’s backing the wrong tree. The societal pressure sets in. It begins to dictate to her what’s obtainable or not. The choices would now be made dispassionately if she’s a conservative type.

What am I saying here? Well…we are quick to pick what works everywhere else but here in Africa. The question is, shouldn’t we know already things that wouldn’t work? They have systems that works in their societies. If you cohabit and it results to a pregnancy/child. There are schemes in place by the government for such happenstance. Such as social security benefits, child support if things didn’t eventually work out for the two as  couple.

I’d direct my question today to the young men/women cohabiting presently. What’s the relevance of your living with your partner? Where do you see yourselves in the next five years in this economic quagmire? If it results to pregnancy/pregnancies, could you cope? What are your contingency plans for such possibility?

I don’t know the reasons why it’s done or why those that participate in it, think it’s in anyway advantageous. Could it be to cut costs? To share the living expenses? But I do know the young lady involved would be the one making most of the sacrifices involved both emotionally and otherwise. For instance, if it results to pregnancy. It is her body involved not his. The bulk of decision making would rest solely on her, on what to do about the pregnancy. She’d begin to worry about things she shouldn’t be concerned about at this stage until after her education.

The bigger issue is even the distractions. Living a couple’s life when both should be focused more on lectures, term papers, regular youthful life and such. I just don’t get it. Is it becoming rampant because it’s the trend or beneficial in some ways I’m unaware of?

From where I stand the pros to this practice are not just visible but the cons are littered all over the place. Especially for the young ladies. I’ve heard severally- “it’s to get to know him/her better;” “a step closer to the huge step of becoming a married couple.”  Or “it’s quite realistic…its relevance is to see how well or not we cohabit as partners before the huge step.” If he/she’s a pretender/ illmanered, problematic, troublesome you’d get to see it. Hmm mm…? If it works, how come we see couples that dated for years breaking up just after about a year or two in marriage?

Young men and ladies, I definitely don’t want to kill your mojo. Uhm…whatever you have going-but I’d  like you to ponder on my questions. If there are benefits for cohabiting with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Do share it with me on here. I’d be thrilled to receive it. At least you’d  have quenched my curiosity.

What’s your thoughts on this topic? Share your views with me on here. I’m quite eager to hear it.

 

 

 

 

 

SELFISHNESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

SELFISHNESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

A lot of people admire couples that succeeded and had years of good marriages down their belts.What most don’t acknowledge is that it was never an easy ride…all rosy.

Some would hang on to a partner only because he/she is supporting him/her one way or another but vanishes into thin air once the table is turned. It never occur to such persons that some situations are temporary. If he/she stuck around, who know? This partner may even surpass his/her previous achievements. It’s all in the mind set.

This is so common, some married couples exhibit this traits too. A partner might do everything he or she could without a single complaint to his/her partner when the chips were down. God forbid the table turns;  God help you if it turned out your partner is one of the selfish ones. The whole world would get to know he/she has been catering for your wellbeing. This type would degrade; humiliate; and belittle you at every turn because he/she was at an advantage/helm of things for a while.

Well…in a friendship situation. There’s still room to avoid or cutoff completely from such dreadful person. Some that don’t find joy in altruistic acts. A person that can not commit him/herself to make things flow at this stage in your relationship may never grow to learn what he/she does wrong.

These kind are also self-absorbed. They rarely exhibit any form of sensitivity. Those with this trait and attitude to life may never realize how emotionally unavailable they often are… they feel entitled to every gesture from others as if it’s their birthright. Hahaha…

Does this sound familiar?

My advice to anyone involved with such insensitive specie of human being is to firstly, talk to him or her about it. If nothing changes. Walk away from that relationship. It won’t get better. It gets worse. This type could hasten one’s journey to meet the Maker. Such person unwittingly pushes his/her partner into depression.

A selfish person care-less about others needs, emotions, situation, perception. Everything is constantly viewed from his/her own binocular in his/her “little” world. Others should take a hike… who cares? Ignoring such appalling behavior could spell doom for the partner who had indulged such from the start. It takes two to tango. Any enviable relationship is always brewed out of team work. You don’t put both hands in your pockets in your euphoric  dream of granduer and expect your relationship to turn out right.

If you are out there and this write up makes you uncomfortable…it touches a nerve in you. Then it’s time you worked on yourself. Don’t always make it your partner’s fault. It could be you, destroying anything good that comes your way. Nothing kills a relationship even marriages faster than selfishness from a partner. Give a bit of yourself…it doesn’t kill. Share your precious time when you could with your partner, show appreciation. Be involved, committed to make your own relationship beautiful. To make it work, is  work in itself and shouldn’t be taken lithely. The ride is definitely smoother and more enjoyable with little or no friction when both wheels are functioning.

If this piece spoke to you, ponder on it. Work on yourself. Be to your partner what you wish your partner to be to you. Lol. Check yourself before you lose your valued possession in your ignorance.

That’s all I have to say today, ladies and gentlemen. Share your thoughts/views on this post with me. I’m eager to read them on here…

It’s Okay To Take A Break Ladies/Gentlemen-Ruminate!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

It’s Okay To Take A Break Ladies/Gentlemen – Ruminate!

My focus this evening is on ladies from 30yrs and above and eligible bachelors. Let’s meditate a bit on our lives. Reflect on how it has been up to this moment. Is there something one would love to change about him/herself? Ponder on this question till an answer comes forth.

I believe it’s very okay to take a walk from it all, for awhile. To take a break from one’s usual routine. The purpose is to take scores, check oneself; one’s habits. Ask oneself deep honest questions. Be honest enough to stare yourself in the eyes with the cold truth. Next step, let’s be determined to adjust where needed. Work on areas that needs to be worked on.

After this period of sober reflection. What are our new “dos” and “don’ts”? Let’s write them down somewhere. Finally, it’s a gradual process. We need to take them, a day at a time. See how it goes. Ignore the outside world while at it. The aim of this exercise is for a new and better version of you and I to emerge. Don’t be in a hurry to resurface. You have been on the surface for a pretty good while, a little break shouldn’t hurt.

Changing a particular trait in one’s character isn’t a day job. Ignoring that trait may hurt us that exhibit it more than those at the receiving end. Most times we are advised to be ourselves. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work on certain flaws that drive others away from our lives. Don’t wait for someone else to try to change you. You may not like the outcome. It might lead to resentment towards that person.

People can change, not completely but to a certain degree from whom they used to be. For this incredible transformation to occur. It has to be a personal decision with the determination to see it through. In the long run, it’s a win win situation. You get to see a new you and the people around you also get to notice these remarkable changes in you that would make them appreciate you the more.

Let’s take for instance; a person trying to quit alcoholism, insolence, snobbery, tantrums, thievery, promiscuity, use of harmful substance, smoking, devious behavior etc. All these vices and traits can only be stopped by a personal decision by oneself and no one else.

Picking up vices while growing up, isn’t that hard. Some environment makes it easy on young men/ladies to pick up unsuitable and unacceptable vices. But to quit these vices or to change from a particular character trait, is a decision one must make consciously and bear the discomforts that sprouts through this transformation process.

During this reminiscence, it’s important to focus on those vices and devise a way to quit, either by avoiding things or places that ignites the itch. Secondly, one has to be determined, strong-willed to see it through. And finally, disciplined enough. The rest is up to faith.

No form of reform has ever been easy. So don’t expect a walk in the park. It’s hard work. No matter the urge to go back to old ways. Do not allow it, fight it and beat it. It’s possible and can be achieved. I’m routing for us all and I know with determination and discipline one can quit any vice. Try it, if it worked, then I’m happy for you.

Do have a lovely day gentlemen and ladies!

“The Perfect Man?”

Hello Ladies …

My topic today says;

“The Perfect Man?”

Why do people keep prattling so much about ladies waiting for “the perfect” man? Who said just because a lady is yet to marry, she’s waiting for “some perfect” man? I wonder how that fallacy came to be. This now seem like a general assumption held against any lady above 30yrs of age and unmarried.

Does it mean those that dated abusive men, philanderers, con-men, criminals, even those that found out how incompatible they were and knew it won’t work out,  moved on were choosy? Not to mention those that had traumatic experiences. C’mon…? Really? Have you walked in their shoes?

Why do people date? Why do people court? Why do ladies and bachelors become friends? To know one another better. Right? During this period of friendship you found out certain traits  ingrained in this other person, that could cause you harm in the nearest future; such as violence, philandering, unreliability, sadistic nature.  Would you go ahead with him just to bear the tittle “Mrs”? Or thank your star, you found out just in time before entering into a serious commitment with him?

There’s this distaste in my mouth each time I hear people casually toss around this comment; “marriage is for procreation and nothing more”. “Compatibility, affection and all those mushy stuffs,  aren’t necessary”. To those that reasons this way. “Maturity” is accepting any proposal. Deal with whatever consequences later. This is a life changing decision that should be till death, being treated so casually. No wonder so many are miserable while some end up as sworn enemies. I mean, how can it be okay to say yes to just about “anyone” that shows up just because one is in her thirties or above? What happens when you ‘re already in, then the violence, abuse begins? This abusive person beats you blue black daily or sends you to an early grave? Who would then care for your innocent kids? Since you “must” accept “any.” what happens- if after tieing the knot, the criminal or con-man you accepted landed in jail? Or the philanderer who might send you to an untimely death(God forbid) due to his reckless and callous behaviour. Is it the emotional turmoil? The unbearable pain? Or the fear of STDS, curable and incurables? How can one live with such constant fear, being held ransom in one’s own home, insecurity and being constantly embarrassed?

I’m curious though. What’s with this constant need to make any lady trying to avoid unnecessary drama in her life after marriage seem like an unrealistic fool…?  Really? She’s the unrealistic? Not the hopelessly romantic, who thought it would  always be a smooth sail? A fairy-tale…?

Being extremely picky is not wise and nobody should encourage that but to constantly belittle, insult, demean those trying to use their heads to think beyond the “wedding day” is beyond my comprehension.

For instance a scenario where a man shows interest and the next thing, everyone reminds you, you aren’t getting any younger. Like we had amnesia? Haa…! Then you accept, only to realize your worst fear has become real. The astonishing part is, it’s still those same people that reminded you earlier, you aren’t getting any younger, that will soon preach for ” better or worse.” If it leads to malfunctioned home or death. Well, I’m guessing that literally means “or worse” in the  vow. Lol

Although I hate to sound so gloomy! Fact is, being within a certain age bracket and unmarried, attracts all sort of miscreants as suitors, but there are good ones too.  One needs to be careful… not overly so, a little dose will do just fine.

Why is something so seriously complicated as marriage intentionally treated with such levity? As if it’s easy to coexist. Even siblings born of same parents, find it difficult at times.

No man is perfect. Most ladies know this fact. We aren’t toddlers.  Being cautious not to end up with a total stranger who may have so many tricks up his sleeves, shouldn’t be viewed as being picky; choosy; immature.  Just because some rushed in due to whatever reasons they had, doesn’t mean everyone should. Everyone mustn’t learn from personal mistakes.

When there’s friendship, connection, compatibility, trust, mutual understanding and respect. I sincerely believe it would reduce; disillusionment; resentments and nonchalance in marriages. Well…just my humble opinion. What do I know?

What do you think? Share your view on this with me. Criticism is also allowed.

 

Don’t Waste Anyone’s Time All In The Name Of “Relationship”

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Don’t Waste Anyone’s Time All In The Name Of “Relationship”

I want to talk on relationships this morning. Every relationship, needs some necessary materials to work. Be it marital relationship, courtship, and every other kind of relationship. However I’m focusing my attention on single ladies and eligible bachelors today.

For a relationship to work, there must be communication, honesty, understanding each other, compatibility, affection, and respect for each other. Those are the key recipe for a healthy relationship. In the absence of all these mentioned above… you are just fooling around, playing games and quite immature.

You should find it easy to communicate when you are in a relationship. Have deep conversations occasionally. Talk to each other about everything. Discuss your fears, your accomplishments, your dreams.

I do wonder when I hear stories where; a grown man complains that a lady he has been with for months, even up to a year; told him, she’s in a relationship. So for this reason he had to walk out  from the relationship. I find that hard to believe. If there’s truth at all in that, then it must be half truth.  She’s in another relationship you say? How could you not notice if something was different? The subtle changes in her behaviour? Didn’t you spend quality times with each other? Were you busy playing mind games? Hiding your feelings ?  Trying to outsmart each other?

It is mostly those with the mind set that a man or lady must grovel to keep him/her, will carry-on on a relationship for upto 7/8months, without having candid discussions concerning the relationship. Keeping the other partner guessing. And in an emotional turmoil till he or she begins to feel unsure of his/her place in your life. This person could begin to prepare his/her mind for a breakup since your relationship seemed more like a deadend kind of relationship.

For the male folks, showing your feelings, assuring your woman won’t make you less a man. Also your actions towards her will go a long way into shaping her emotional state of mind towards you. Don’t neglect the woman in your life or relegate her to an option. Then come out later to whine when she moves on.

Do not waste your partners time unnecessary. Why be in a relationship with him or her for 2/3 yrs even more when you are unsure of what you want? When you don’t have any particular plan that includes this partner. He/she isn’t  in your future plans… Why string him or her along? For the female folks, why allow a man to sponsor your education and such, when you aren’t committed or sure you are on the same page? Why stay in an undefined relationship for years?

To the gentlemen my advice is; don’t waste a lady’s time in the name of being in a”relationship” with her, when you know deep down you aren’t ready. Allow her meet those ready for something serious. When a man is finally ready, it doesn’t take all those dramatics for him to take that step.  Also quit playing the victim and trying to blackmail a girl you had a relationship with in the past into thinking, it was all her fault because she moved on. What other options was she left with? Being with you for 5yrs isn’t a guarantee you will end up together.

What’s my point? If you are truly into your woman. You feel something special for her and wish her by your side for a long time to come.

Tell her how you feel, show her and let her know your plans for the future. You can’t be hiding your feelings, giving her no clue whatsoever about anything, yet expect her to hang in there like a sponge.

It’s quite depressing for a lady to date a guy who isn’t man enough to share his feelings with the woman in his life. Probably thinks he’s playing it safe. If that’s the case, then play safe but don’t put the blame on her for your breakup. Nobody walks out from something promising and working. People mostly walk away  from irrevocably damaged  or unhealthy relationships.

Let’s be realistic here. Don’t waste anyone’s time and if you do, don’t blame the victim of your callousness for walking out on you.

That’s all I have to say for now, will be back soon. Have a wonderful day you all!

 

Are We All Not Obliged To Work On Ourselves???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

I have always been an advocate on the issue of ladies working on their notable flaws. There’s no perfect man or woman out there. We ladies are often under the microscope being viewed and dissected by men, who takes so much pleasure in dissecting our characters, attitudes and what not. Lol.

Working on one’s self is to one’s advantage. Becoming docile, agreeable, courteous doesn’t hurt anyone. However my topic today is a question to the men. My question is;

Are We All  Not Obliged To Work On Ourselves???

I’m dead serious here. Imagine how one-sided that solid advise usually sound? Lol! It has always been parotted thus; “Ladies work on yourselves!” The society is so interested in the female character traits; she must not be illmannered; obstinate; opinionated; rude; quick tempered; aggressive; spiteful,promiscuous…etc. A lady with one/two or more of these traits needs to work on herself. Agreed.

My question simply is; how come this advise is not also shoved down the throats of the male folks? Are they not obligated to be without blemish as well? Some men are plainly, brash; egoistic, opinionated; shallow; hot-tempered; abusive;caustic; nasty; philanderes; dubious, to mention but a few. Yet the society acts as if the character of a woman solely determines the outcome of a relationship or marriage.

The honest truth is, here in Africa; once we hear of a broken marriage, most just conclude he must have married a terrible woman. Really? A man that wouldn’t work on a single flaw of his, no matter how terrible those flaws are, expects his partner to live with it. But all hers must be changed.

I have cogent reasons for believing so much in one working on one’s flaws. Imagine a situation where a quick tempered man/lady decides to work on his/her temper to avoid confrontations or fights. And his or her partner decides to also work on whatever he/she does, that normally provokes his/ her partner. Are you getting the picture? This simple act of maturity from the man or lady may solve the temper issue permanently. It works both ways,  if you ask me.

What am I trying to say here? Men should work on themselves as regularly as women are advised to. It takes two to tango. Don’t be badmouthing women at every turn, on how they left or wronged you severally. Reminiscence, check yourself. Your character could be why the ladies don’t last around you.

Sorry to break this “news”to you guys. You have notable flaws too, that could damage your home in the nearest future. Work on them. Flaws are not gender prone. Everyone has a flaw or two to curtail.

A better you will definitely attract a better version of a lady somewhere for you.

That’s all I have to say for now, will be back soon.

Have a wonderful day you all!

 

Lowering Your Standard (2)

 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

A lot of people have requested for me to revisit this article and talk more on this particular issue .

https://kareninspirational.com/2016/07/14/lowering-your-standard/

Well, to me this topic isn’t that complicated. It’s a weighty one though.

I have never been the type to go with the “status quo.” I’m fond of asking “why?”, searching; deciphering situations around me.  I discovered, by paying attention to little things(details), one can actually avoid a lot of disastrous situations.

Well…here’s my today’s topic;

Lowering Your Standard (2)

Surprisingly none of the advocates of lowering one’s standard ever give a thought about how the union might go when their “match making”/ counsel works out.

I will restate here that I’m not against lowering of standard to tie the proverbial knot. All I’m saying is to be careful not to lower so much so, that would eventually lead to resentment; indifference; nonchalance; unadulterated hate; in the near future.

Understand my point please, I’m not suggesting to be” excessively careful.” In a nutshell I’m suggesting to pay attention to those little things that could cause “helluva” problems in the future.

Take for instance, in our everyday lives, we are constantly advised to lower our standard. This is gradually instilled in our subconscious. Check out romance novels, movies, all sell mostly the same story. A story where a rich city girl/man, marries someone he or she has absolutely nothing in common with. Let say a rancher, who lives in the middle of nowhere. She leaves everything she’s used to,  familiar with and goes to the “ranch” to live with her “brand-new” husband. Or something of that nature.

Are you getting the picture? Whenever I  watch such, I just shake my head. Haha…

If you are of different social class, I’m not saying it doesn’t work. Hear me out first. “If” you have misgivings he might not fit/blend in, why not reconsider instead of becoming bitter, resentful in the near future, viewing your spouse as a source of embarrassment and making his/her life miserable. Smothering him or her with hatred for something he/she knew nothing about.

You are highly educated,then you lower till that “homey” girl/boy with little or no education becomes the one . Only for you to become unapproachable in your own home few years down the road. Frustrating his/her life, making her/his life a “living hell” because you are miserable and have nothing in common. Was it his/ her fault? Remember, that problem could have been avoided by being a bit more careful.

Haha… tough huh? I am all for lowering of standard fellows; what I’m against is lowering more than you could take. If you are not certain you can take that trait, then don’t overlook it. You can’t stand a con-man; a criminal; a gambler; an unprincipled; a troublemaker; an abusive man, yet you said yes! Lol.

You won’t be the only one miserable in that marriage. You will vent your anger; frustration, misery,regrets…etc. On your unsuspecting partner whose only crime was taking you as you are.

Do not tie the knot just to become “mrs” so so and so if you aren’t sure you can overlook those traits that are a “no! no!!” for you. It would be sad to exhibit unconscionable attitude in your home, few years down the road due to your frustration.

Ladies and gentlemen,  let’s be careful on the issue of “lowering one’s standard.” It’s laudable when done right, yet disastrous when care isn’t taken.

That’s all I have to say this evening my ladies. Do have a wonderful evening and a happy new year!

 

Patience-Persistence-And Positivity Is The Key. 

Hello ladies…

Well, the new year is here. 2016 has bowed out, ushering in 2017. It doesn’t matter how the previous year had been. You had goals, I would like to believe you accomplished most of them if not all. What matters is that you are alive, in good health and more especially “positive” that this year would be much better.

My topic this morning says;

Patience; Persistence; And Positivity; Is The Key. 

What do we understand by the word “patience”? The English dictionary says; being patient. Now, what is patient? “Content to wait if necessary”; “not bothered with having to wait”. This is self explanatory.

What does the word persistence mean? The English dictionary defines it as; “being persistent”. what is persistent? “Obstinately refusing to give up or let go”;

“Insistently repetitive”; “Indefinitely continous”. Says the English dictionary.

OK! what is positivity? Being optimistic. ” Expecting the best in all possible ways”. I have learned a crucial lesson over the years. I learnt that patience; persistence; and positivity; almost always leads to something remarkable.

Take for instance, the inventors of the past centuries. The likes of Alexander Graham Bell; the Wright Brothers (Orville and Wilbur); Karl Benz. What did they  all have in common? Are you getting the picture? I hope you understand my point here.  I’m not implying the above mentioned traits are what made them inventors. I do believe though that, these traits helped them achieve their various tremendous success stories.

Let’s evaluate ourselves , are we on the right trail? How’s that project coming along? Do we believe deep in our heart that we can achieve our set goals for this year? That we could make a difference?Deep in your heart, do you believe you can make that relationship work? Lol. Surprised? It should be part of looking inward, don’t you think…?

You put in your best efforts at work/ business last year ? So it hasn’t yielded fruitful results thus far? So what? Be patient, keep doing the good job and above all, be positive. I know it’s hard at times to keep being positive when results aren’t forth coming. But remember those men mentioned above wouldn’t be known today if they had given up.

As a single lady above thirty, you may be working in an office where your married colleagues are accorded more respect than you although you are quite good at your job, older than some of the married ones even. These ladies may belittle you or make snide remarks about your status. Stay positive! Always remember that it isn’t how fast but how well. Don’t let being “unmarried” define you. Also don’t just sit there, not developing yourself, hoping some man’s name will give you an identity.

Use this period to discover yourself.  The areas you are good at, focus more on. Be the lady others would be proud of/ emulate. Don’t wallow in self-pity as if your world has crashed and burned. Envision the type of life you wish for in the nearest future and work towards it. One thing I have noticed is that when the time comes for a certain goal to be achieved, things fit in perfectly. There won’t be a square peg in a round hole. Every piece of the puzzle finds its rightful place and clicks! Lol. Let’s understand that one way or another, what will be will eventually be.

That’s all I have to say this lovely morning my ladies…

Do have a fruitful new year !

 

 

 

Platonic Friendship With The Opposite Sex/ Possible or Not?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Tonight I want to talk on one of those topics we mostly speculate on, hardly dare look into for the fear of what we could find.

My tonight topic says;

Platonic Friendship With The Opposite Sex, Possible or Not?

I want to share my humble opinion on the issue of keeping the opposite sex as close friends, pals, confidants. Lol. Remember, it is my view.

Now, what is “platonic friendship?”

English dictionary defines platonic as “Not sexual in nature; platonic love.”That explanation was simple enough… you see where I’m headed? I have heard countless debates, discussions, have participated on some of these talks on why a male or female would prefer the opposite sex as close friends rather than his/her kind.

I don’t know much about why a guy might do this but for the ladies, there are numerous reasons  why it’s common, not the usual assumption that she is promiscuous; “sleeps with each and everyone of them.” Lol! Ladies often find it easier to make guys their close friends because for some reasons; we believe he won’t laugh at our blunders or relish the mistakes we foolishly make atimes in our relationships; without offering tangible solutions to correct them.

He gives sound advise when it comes to relationship matters, for the sole reason that, as a man, he knows how men minds work. When you take a relationship matter to a close male pal, just by listening, he already knows where your relationship is headed. He could tell you, “this guy is serious”or “run for your life!” He could say, “you are wasting your time with this one.” Lol. Meaning this one isn’t a keeper. I could go on and on. Most of the men ladies keep as friends wouldn’t gossip about you. Some will be protective of you even. Along the line, you get comfortable, almost like siblings.

Fact is, for someone to allow another to “friend zone” him/her. He or she may actually have an emotional feeling towards that person or not. He/she may genuinely care about this person so much that the person’s well-being comes first. There are friends who have no emotional attachments whatsoever towards each other. Although in some cases,  one person has an attraction towards the other, which the other party refuses to acknowledge or out rightly ignore, so as not to make the friendship awkward.

The truth is, genuine friendship is hard to build. Some will not sacrifice/jeopardize this special bond for”what might have been.” Would rather preserve such precious and unique friendship. A friendship devoid of ulterior motives.

I believe platonic friendship with the opposite sex is very normal. For starters, the ones that become confidants, close friends are already”friend zoned.” It’s tough to find a close friend of the opposite sex who isn’t in the dreaded “friend zone.”Lol. An experienced man or lady already knows this, that’s why when you want to turn them into a shoulder to cry on, they bolt; run like hell…haha.

Usually, when I come across people discussing this very issue. I observed that the perplexed; those that can’t fathom how it could be possible are usually those that have never experienced it. Had they experienced it first hand. They would realize one or both parties had no emotional feeling towards the other. It’s quite rare for such paradigm to change suddenly.

Instead of laying baseless accusations, why not find out the nature of that friendship? Some men have so low an opinion on ladies, they think all ladies sleep with anyone that says “hi” to them. Lol.

This is so common among men. The way I see it, a guy like that has trust issues. Although some men also have ladies as platonic friends, ladies hardly confront or talk about this issue aimlessly as men do.

If you date irresponsible ladies with no dignity, these insights doesn’t apply to you. My primary concern tonight is to say my opinion on this issue. If you value the person you are with, don’t jump into conclusions. The friends out there might be the ones pleading on your behalf when you err, because they want what’s best for your lady/man. Do not generalize or lump all ladies who keep male friends as “promiscuous.”Some ladies wouldn’t ever consider having intimate relationships with casual or close platonic friends. The thought alone might disgust  her even.

That’s all I have to say on this delicate issue. Feel free to share your view with me on this. I’m eager to hear it!

Merry Christmas to you all!