WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON LADIES PLAYING- “HARD TO GET”???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON LADIES PLAYING-“HARD TO GET “???

Well- I’d  love to know your view on this over flogged phrase used mostly by men in our society, to describe ladies reactions while being wooed.

Now- what does wooing mean? The English dictionary defines it as; to endeavor to gain someone’s affection.  This act has been in existence for centuries. The world has evolved though- civilization, especially through the birth of social media has almost changed the wooing game completely. Some ladies are emboldened through civilization- and more likely to express their feelings towards a man they fancied or found interesting. Funny enough, these changes haven’t automatically scrapped the lamenting of some men; that some ladies play “hard to get” even when they’re interested in the proposed courtship.

My take on this wailing from men- on ladies playing hard to get or acting indifferent while being wooed by the opposite sex, is that- it shouldn’t be generalized. Every Tom, Dick and Pedro now claims, a lady played hard to get on him. Even though, it could just be a case of unrequited love.

The thing is- I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. My view is- I don’t believe it happens as frequently as those whose ego has been smashed to rubble, want us to believe. Has it ever occurred to some men that, a lady who refused to pick your calls- claimed too busy for a date with you, may just be passing across a direct message- which is, she isn’t interested. I mean, is it not similar to how some, initiate breakups? Some ladies find it difficult to reject a relationship proposal, straight to your face. Especially the sensitive ones; trying to save you that awkward conversation.

Fact is-some ladies play hard to get for real at least in our African setting. Upbringing plays a huge role in shaping one’s character. Those days, etiquette demanded a young lady should carry herself in a certain manner. Having been taught from childhood it’s unladylike to be unrestrained. Or show interest initially while being wooed.

Truth be told- some men actually badmouth/mistreat ladies who were interested in them from the onset. They would at times call such person cheap. Going by this belief, he won’t value the relationship and would eventually take her for granted. This particular logic agrees with the cliche- “people generally value what they made strenuous effort for.”

What about having an open mind? It may or may not be any of those plausible reasons. Things aren’t always what they seemed. What if she happened to be in a relationship and wasn’t interested or available? What if instinctively, she knew, she wouldn’t’ date you? What if just after minutes of talking with you on a first date- she had already seen traits that disgusted her? Do we really think a jerk, is that hard to spot? Lol. Or a braggart? Or a vain man- so fixated on his look? Or a pompous prig? Who thinks he’s the best thing since chocolate. Haha…these’re strictly my opinions though.

My point is- ego is a dangerous trait in any human being. You may never know her reasons for lack of interest initially. I think it’s so wrong to always assume it was an “act.” A lady may not like your personality at first. But something you did, maybe on a date or a particular trait you’ve may gradually melt her heart and endears you to her. That doesn’t mean she was pretending at first. It might just be that you gradually won her over. Understand that, she might not have been interested in you until she began to see traits she likes in you.

My humble advice? If she wouldn’t take your calls – shows absolutely zero interest in you. Move the heck on- she probably isn’t playing any stupid game. Could be, she’s simply not interested in you.

Sex On A First Date???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is one of those situations  we’d rather not acknowledge because it makes us uncomfortable, particularly the ladies.

Sex On A First Date???

Now- I hate to sound vulgar here! But there aren’t many ways to hit the nail by the head.  My focus here today is on those that actually believe they’re in a genuine relationship, leading to something more.

Why am I writing this? Well- to alert younger ladies of the harm they may fall into if not a bit more careful in their various relationships, especially at the initial stages. My aim is also to reach those who may not be aware that, there’re predators out there, who prey on the innocent. The opportunists who might appear genuine, luring you into believing there’s more to it all. Maybe you just got out of a bad relationship. Maybe you haven’t even had one yet. Naive, vulnerable -ah ha! The perfect ingredients that attracts this particular specie of human beings.

The thing is- no matter how careful you’re, you could still fall into this act. Waste valuable time/years of your life thinking you’re in a relationship. But sadly, you might have made a huge mistake by that single act. On rare occasions, it might work out but it rarely does. Has it occurred to you, he might be wondering, how many times, you’ve done same with other guys? Lack of self control. Sorry- “truth is bitter” they say.

These are few signs that you’re not his girlfriend after such encounter.

  • He isn’t really interested in you anymore. Would you blame him? No more mysteries about you to unravel.
  • He now starves you of his attention, avoids deep conversations with you but suddenly becomes nice out of the blue when he wants to invite you over for the night. Lol. Sounds familiar? He has relegated you to a booty.
  • He begins to avoid your calls or going on dates with you. This is a message to you, that he has lost interest in you. Move on and learn from your mistake.
  • He could tag along but talks nothing else but sex-related issues with you and tactfully leads each discussion back to sex. This is simply because, you’ve become a sex object to him.
  • He might never be motivated to please you. This is simply because he has no plan to tag along nor have any plans for the future with you.
  • Your value reduces drastically when you jump into bed with a man on a first date or couple of dates, except on very rare occasions.

The thing is- these things aren’t cast in stone- use your discernment. You just met a man. What a first date is made for, is for you to get to know a bit about him. It’s even super important to restrain yourself, if you liked him totally. It’s not pretence. It’s called exercising decorum. If you truly liked someone, you’d want to get to know him better. No matter how many relationships stories you’ve read or what you’ve been told. My humble advice?

Never be in a hurry to share a man’s bed. Intimacy isn’t all that… I might sound archaic to you. Truth is- it is, what it is. Fact is, it’s crucial you avoid intimacy at the initial stage of a relationship, if you remotely want to get to know your man or want him to actually take time to know you. Sounds old-school? I bet. It’s the truth though- take it or not.  A man that truly cares about you, would be patient.

Some would tell you lame stories about their “friends” who slept with their girlfriends on their first dates and re now married. “Bull!”- it’s just a line, they use to get laid.  So? what’s the relevance of sharing that information with you, at that particular moment? Let’s use our heads more, my ladies. Don’t ever allow yourself to be pressured into sex in a relationship. If he has good intention towards you. Believe you me, he’d wait. What’s the rush? Unless there’s an ulterior motive.

Ladies/ gentlemen, what’s your view on this matter?

 

What Did You Learn From Your Previous Relationship/s???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

I’m here again with one of those topics that we’d rather not talk about and quite uncomfortable with. My today’s topic is a question to singles. Ladies and gentlemen;

 What Did You Learn From Your Previous Relationship/s ???

Well- I promised right from the onset that I’d be your voice of reasoning, if you’d let me. What tangible lessons did we learn from our past relationships? There ‘re no breakups without reasons. There must be something that triggered that dissatisfaction, that led to the breakup even if it was neither acknowledged nor discussed.

Now- let me elaborate a bit. If you were in a relationship with someone; extravagant, mercurial in nature, a philanderer, abusive, temperamental, sadistic, aggressive and so forth. And you never got accustomed to a particular trait- among the traits mentioned above. That he/she exhibited which caused issues in your relationship. What did you learn from that relationship, about yourself, about your preference? Have you had a “me time” reminiscened on how you handled a particular situation? Or how you’d handle it if it presents itself again in the future.

Let’s take for instance in that relationship, you- and not your partner, were the problem. Let’s assume one’s partner was the one complaining about traits that one exhibited that wasn’t acceptable to him/her. Now- that you’re out of that relationship, ‘ve you thought about it? Have you honestly looked inward and taken notes of those traits that were intolerable to your previous partner? Although what might ‘ve been off putting to a particular partner might be endearing to another. This is where one needs to be alert, to know what works or not with one’s new partner. Don’t assume because “A” liked a certain trait you’ve, “B” should.

For instance, if you were in a whirlpool  kind of relationship because you and your partner constantly fought over some shady issues. Eg. If one of you cheated repeatedly and lied about it.  Now- if you were the problem. Have you learned from that terrible mistake? If your partner was the culprit, ‘ve you learned the tale tell signs of people with such traits? Could you easily identify someone with such personality given the chance for a few dates or would you still fall for the same trick?

Let’s say a particular trait/ attitude/appearance/complexion,  attracts you to an individual of the opposite sex. And you have learned through experience that, such trait is irrelevant when it comes to building a relationship- would you still fall for that same trait? If you’re quick tempered, it takes a lot to learn how to rein in one’s temper. So, while working on how to control your temper, you may consider dating someone who isn’t ill-tempered as yourself.

 

If you’ve discovered you have issues with duplicity, then avoid deceptive men/women while venturing into another relationship. Take your time, study him/her well during the dating stage. If it isn’t what you’d hoped for, extricate yourself tactfully.

Why “do the same thing over and over and expect different results?” what I’m about this evening- isn’t if the breakup was one’s fault or not. My focus is on what it’d taught you.

We should always reminiscence after a failed relationship before going into another, to avoid making the same mistakes, over and over.  Let’s be observant enough to learn a tangible lesson from a relationship that didn’t work out.

Share your view or past relationship experience and what it has taught you with us. Let’s have fun while at it!

 

Why Mistake Self-Worth For Arrogance???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Why Mistake Self Worth For Arrogance???

What does this word arrogance mean? The English dictionary defines it as; “the act or habit of arrogating, or making an undue claim in an overbearing manner.” I believe that definition is self explanatory. Now- what is self-worth? The English dictionary comes handy once more; “one’s abilities in self assessment.” The interesting thing is- knowing your worth actually makes it necessary for you to respect “the worth” of  others.  It works both ways.

Have you noticed how some people get so intimidated, by anyone that has a mind of his/her own? People sort of bond quicker with the vulnerable, the weak. Those that have no say/uncomfortable in their own skin- wanting to be led by others or by the status quo, than those that tend to have personal convictions, opinions.  What’s my point? Well- a lady that has self-love would definitely have convictions on how she’s supposed to be treated by another individual. Take for instance. A low self-esteemed lady, gets into a relationship with a sadist, or a lowlife who maltreats or simply depress the life of out her by his thoughtless conducts. We are talking about an unhealthy relationship here.

She comforts herself; positions her mind- to the mindset that, “that’s how most relationships are.” She tells herself, “the grass always seems greener on the other side.” Although I believe this cliche has some truth in it. It sprouts the question; is there even grass within your vicinity?Permit me to speak metaphorically. What’re you comparing your situation with? How green it is, to me seems irrelevant when the lawn has dried up completely on your side of the lawn.

I often wonder why we Africans are so fixated on this issue of “marriage” especially concerning the ladies of marriageable ages. Aren’t there more perilous and overwhelming situations, we should focus on and tackle? If we remotely wish to attain civilization. It’s so bad that some would hate you for not being desperate about it. For going on with your life. For refusing to measure your contentment or achievement solely on a wedding-band fixed on your fourth finger. Some speak of nothing else, than speculate on why it doesn’t bother you.

Lol! Honestly, the question should be; why’re they so bothered? Sadly, when you’re thirty years of age or above and unmarried. I have realized people consciously or subconsciously, expect you to be sad, depressed- to ‘ve this gloomy aura of the doomed. That’s when they become ecstatic, delirious with joy!  “We thought she won’t feel it!” Now- there it is! They quip, enthusiastically. Sadistic creatures…haha. So, what? How exactly does being hopeless, depressed help anyone?

Anyone in this circumstance surrounded by such ugly devourers, who want to tear you down because you’ve refused to play by the rotten book; running around like a headless chicken. As if your life existence  depends on getting married. Separate yourself from such people, distance yourself, no matter how close these set of people are to you. They aren’t looking out for you. They are rather “small minded” people.

I don’t know why some people easily mistake self worth for arrogance. Self esteem to me simply means, respecting one’s self. Having confidence in yourself enough to have certain principles, you abide with. You don’t let pressure, circumstances or manipulations by others dither you. You simply hold your own, no matter what. How’s this audacious trait, maneuvered into something viewed with disdain? It baffles me.

If this topic spoke to you or you have a different opinion, about it. Please share it with us here, it might help someone out there.

 

Avoid Unnecessary Mistakes/Try This- In Your Relationship!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Avoid Unnecessary Mistakes/ Try This- In Your Relationship!!!

There’s a saying that; “no two marriages are alike.” I believe that could be said for relationships too. As thumbprints are different, so are relationships. People from different orientations, with different personalities, trying to find a balance- a particular person that suits him/her. However, there’re still mistakes that are generally made while in relationships. I believe, learning from others mistakes- could save us from unnecessary headaches/heartaches in the future.

Growing up, I knew this particular couple. They were simply in sync. People loved and admired them. They courted for close to seven years. Then, they got married- the issues started, then, escalated! These two were almost living in each other’s apartment, during those years in courtship, they were quite close. Despite all that, within a year, their marriage, crumbled! It took me years, to appease my curiosity. Lol. For some reasons beyond my comprehension, I kept wondering… their breakup/divorce, gnawed at me. I wanted to know what could’ve caused the discord, within such a short period of time. Later I discovered, a lot of things they tolerated while courting, they couldn’t ingest during the marriage proper. It turned out to be a very costly mistake for both of them. After all those years, they parted as sworn enemies.

Now- these are the few points that I think might help us avoid costly mistakes in our relationships;

  • Ladies, let’s develop ourselves; know your dislikes; your likes; your strengths; your weaknesses; develop self-love;
  • Study your man; pay attention to little things- is he liberal or a conversative? Do you share similar values? Let’s observe these things, before accepting that proposal.
  • Does he want a spirited wife or a docile one?
  • Never have the mindset that you would change him.
  • Don’t  pretend during courtship-e.g. If you don’t like, mountain climbing – don’t pretend you do, just to convince him, you’re the one. In a nutshell, don’t accept whatever you plan not to accept in marriage proper.
  • Be yourself, be open-minded about the relationship.

Gentlemen- all those points listed above are applicable to men too. It’s paramount to know yourself, discover yourself before you uproot someone else from her rooted environment to share your life as your partner.

I discovered that, there are people who never  knew what they wanted out of life- not even their likes or dislikes, nor had any particular convictions, principles before tieing the knot. They just drifted; merging with other people’s identity, living on popular opinions until marriage. If he hadn’t even figured himself out. How’d he expect his partner to unravel all that?  Now- while in the marriage, this side of him, begins to rear its ugly head. Take for instance:-

  • A man that married a spirited lady only to realize, he actually preferred  a docile type- who wouldn’t ‘ve a mind of her own. Who wouldn’t be so opinionated, exerting. How would he not grow to resent the wife?
  • Or one that preferred energetic women; extroverts, lively, ending up with an introvert, only because he hadn’t known his preference at the time he got married. What do you think the outcome would be?

The thing is- mistakes are parts of learning. A life devoid of mistakes may not have adequate experience of what works or not. They’re the necessities of life but then- avioding a costly mistake whenever it’s possible, seems like one’s best bet.

What’s your thought on this post? I’m eager to hear your opinion.

Cultivating A Relationship/Marriage To Acquire Wealth- Is It Worth It?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic focuses on;

Cultivating A Relationship/Marriage To Acquire Wealth- Is It Worth It?

Yesterday I came across a post on Facebook. This lady was seeking for advice. I was alarmed reading through her post, just from her first two paragraphs. By the third, I was already horrified- the whole write-up sent a cold chill down my spine. No iota sense of self preservation. The lady in question according to her- is currently in a relationship with an ill-tempered man, whom is sadly wealthy. He hits her at will- no matter how trival the offense. He punches her in the face or any other space he sees on her body, uses objects to batter her. The picture of her battered face was right there! Eyes, entire face swollen and disfigured, turning blue/blackish. To my horror! She wasn’t seeking for advice on how to move on speedily or how to report to the authority concerning her safety. She was seeking for advice on how to “endure” the hitting because according to her- “I’m going nowhere- won’t even consider the thought.” she quipped. whoa! I was stunned. What could be the reason for such a stoic stance? Then, I saw it.

This lunatic she has vowed to hang on to- whom treats her like scum is wealthy. He takes her shopping, buys whatever she picks at the malls, boutiques. He credits her accounts each time he beats her. She even deliberately offends him at times- just so that he’d credit her accounts. “Meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me.”She gushed. She has acquired wealth through her stoical attitude. She called him generous, though mean-spirited and violent.

As I read on- my skin crawled like I just came in contact with a live snake. What-the-heck! I felt so disgusted I could taste it literally in my mouth. What a pity. Furtune hunter- right?Lol! What else is she? Our society is flooded with ladies with this mindset. What pisses me off is- when she’s in there, acquiring “wealth”-

mining this gold behind his backyard, we won’t hear a single complaint- not from her. The day she gets enough, reaches her targets – the play acting starts! She would waltz back into the social media seeking empathy, filling us with stories on how she had endured this same abusive spouse for years because she “loved” him. Busybodies that we mostly are- would spring into action- calling for the spouses head on a platter. That’s if she was alive to tell us about it. If not, it becomes hashtag- #Justice for Mrs A. Uhm… #Justice?

The thing is- I’m not saying it’s right to hit a lady. I don’t subscribe to abuse of any kind. But not all those whining on the social networks- (“he hits me- put me through unspeakable suffering”) deserve our sympathy. Some would’ve become your archenemy if you’d pointed out, they were dating a violent/abusive man. They pretend- it doesn’t matter so long as the money is there and keeps flowing. Later when mission might have been accomplished, then the melodrama.

Ladies, well- none is perfect. I’m aware, neither am I better than the next lady out there but damn it! Riches/money isn’t everything. What about a peaceful life? What about being treated as a human being? What about not being treated like an animal or a slave? What about raising kids in a conducive home? What about not irrevocably damaging your kids due to the trauma of being raised in a malfunctioned home? What about not being reduced to a toy in your home?

It baffles me when people place money above their lives, safety and health. Worshiping money has shredded our values- our common sense. It has been placed above character-dignity. If we don’t retrace our steps, I shudder to think what the future holds for us all.

What’s your thoughts on this topic?

Is Love Enough?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Is Love Enough?

All through the years I have seen very excited couples to be, turn sworn enemies within months or couple of years down the road. We’ve all seen couples that seemed like a match made in Heaven, only to watch it all crumble at some point. My focus here is on those that actually loved themselves from the onset.

I’ve this personal convictions which are solely mine, of the factors that causes problems, irreconcilable differences and breakups among couples that actually loved themselves, after tieing the knot. Over the years I’ve observed that- it’s  possible to love someone yet disagree with this same person’s values.

Love- to me doesn’t take away one’s senses. It heightens and sharpens them. If one is infatuated it’s a different ball game. You could be carried away by the sizzling passion. But love? NO. Let’s not forget- when you love someone-you get to know them on a different level. Especially if this feeling is reciprocated. You’d know their;  flaws; their weaknesses; you’d know to an extent how his/her mind works. You could predict his/her actions even, at times; you’d know when and what makes him or her angry, happy, sad. Although you’ve  all these knowledge at your fingertips, you still love him/her and would rather be with him/her than another.

Now, let’s say;

  • He/she totally detest your values- you can’t stand lies- you believe in treating people fairly at all times. He/she lies at will and doesn’t give a damn about anyone else.
  • You abhor deceit of any kind- he/she thrives on it.You’re thrift and economical, he/she’s a spendthrift. A lavisher,extreemly extravagant.
  • He/she’s hot-headed.
  • One or both of you’re petty. 
  • You ignore issues to avoid confrontations.
  • He/she’s temperamental. The list goes on.

What am I saying? Now-both of you’ve been in a relationship for a while, the chemistry is there. The love is there, but each of the traits I mentioned has been rearing its ugly head and constantly you ignore it because you’re simply avoiding confrontations. The truth is- when one is in love, he/she’d do anything not to cause his/her partner pain. Even when it leads to confrontation one tends to choose his/her words carefully to avoid hurting his/her partner more than necessary. Now because of this nurturing, all keeps going well. The underlying differences are not treated/tackled, or acknowledged. No definite solution is sort or deviced towards any particular issue.

The thing is- love is a strong feeling of affection and care towards another but it won’t be that intense all through- at a point it becomes a bond of friendship, companionship. It gets to this stage when the partners:-

  • Share similar values
  • Understand each other totally.
  • Relate easily.
  • Respect each other.
  • Empathize with each other.

However, it’s my observation that a couple could still love each other without any of these key ingredients of a healthy relationship. You see where I’m headed? They may ‘ve love, which will undoubtably breed; tolerance, affection, care, forgiveness, patience for a while.

At the point a couple that had love together with the other components of a healthy relationship are headed into a more mature, comfortable state which is a bond of friendship and companionship. Those that had love with the components of an unhealthy relationship begins to tear apart. We get to hear-

  • I thought I loved him/her. Never really knew him/her.
  • We weren’t on the same page. His/her values were wack!
  • We weren’t compatible.
  • He/she never understood me.
  • He/she never respected me.
  • He/she just didn’t get me.

Well- these set could remain friends and still share strong feelings and bonds even after separation/divorce. Most times we wonder why they didn’t just try harder to be together. Some of those attributes of unhealthy relationships that I mentioned above definitely played a part. Those’re the reasons I’m convinced that, love isn’t enough when it comes to marriage. It has its relevance to marriage as I stated in one of my previous posts.  I’m of the opinion that it isn’t nearly enough though.

What’s your view on this topic? Care to share? It could save a future marriage or two. Who knows?

Why Do We Hang On To Toxic Relationships?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Why Do We Hang On To Toxic Relationships?

There ‘re so many stories, incidents I’ve come across lately that triggered this topic. Last month I came across a post on Facebook where a young man murdered his girl friend in cold blood. What was her offense? According to him, “she cheated.” Just this week still on Facebook I came across yet another disheartening story of a police lady who killed herself because her man jilted her while plans to marry were already underway.  There’re still more of such stories littered around the globe. There was also that of a pastor who killed his wife by stabbing her so many times- cause? He said; he suspected she was unfaithful. Ugh!

The thing is – when a relationship becomes toxic, anyone involved in it notices.  The decision to move on and the courage to follow-through, is what matters. One being able to make the right decision for him/herself, is what makes one mature.

Was he or she unfaithful? Does he/she exhibit unconscionable attitudes? Irreconcilable differences?  These are just few signs of an unhealthy relationship- its list is quite long.

So, what’s my point? Well, being in an unhealthy relationship doesn’t happen in a flash. It takes a while to grow from a tiny little reptile to a full blown dragon. One is bound to notice, the not so subtle changes along the line.

Well, If the distressing situations ‘ve become like weeds- that keeps sprouting back on. If it has become something  unforgivable for you. Why not move on? Are you glued together? Why take someone else’s  life over a relationship? Why commit suicide over a lady/man? You’re heart-broken? Are you the first? Someone that would find someone else within months and move on. Is it worth the “selfishness” of putting your loved ones through unspeakable misery? The irony is- just few years down the road. You may begin to wonder, what you ever saw in him/her. No one is worth dying for. No one is indispensable. I mean it. Haha…it may seem like an unbearable/impossible feat to accomplish at first but with time, you’d realize it probably was the best decision you ever made.

Toxic relationships are dangerous, although the victims in such relationships often keep making excuses for the partner while seeing the handwriting clearly on the wall. Why hang on to something that binds one to anxiety, distress, depression?

Self love is important and necessary. I’ve come to realize that everyone in life is treated exactly as he/she portrays him/herself. If your disposition- kind of screams, “I’m worthless- I don’t deserve any better.” You’d realize that such mind-set attracts, exactly those that’d think- “of course you’re!  A good thing I came along. Who else would’ve you?” Lol. Are you getting the picture? But once you have self-love; self-respect; know your worth. Once you grasp the simple fact that your happiness is entirely yours to achieve with a positive mind-set. You won’t tie your happiness, your progress, your fulfilment and goals to someone else. You’d exude confidence in whatever situations that turns up in life. And believe me, confidence is admirable. It effortlessly bestows respect, admiration from others. No one dares treat you anyhow when you respect and love yourself.

There’s this thing that bothers me though – gentlemen /ladies. This might sound like such a cliché but it’s the damn truth. A broken relationship is better and less messy than a broken marriage. If the thought of that current relationship churns- twists your gut with dreadful panics. It’s definitely unhealthy. Don’t plunge in headlong to a wretched life.

Quite a percentage of people who became casualties in their relationships all saw it coming. If he/she isn’t right for you. If you’re not compatible. If you walk constantly on eggshells around this partner; to avoid confrontations; to avoid battery; if he/she is temperamental;  mercurial in nature. Hanging on won’t change any of these traits. A partner can only work on traits that threatens his/her relationship if he/she values that relationship.

Nobody has a right to hold you ransom emotionally. Shake off that fear/uncertainty and move the heck on! Who knows? What you need may just be around the corner. If you don’t shut that toxic door you called

a”relationship,”another may not open. That’s all I’ve to say for now. If this writeup helped you in anyway, then I achieved my aim. Also don’t hesitate to share your thoughts with me, on here. Have a good day!

 

Why The Assumption That All Ladies Above 30 And Unmarried Were Shallow/Wayward?

 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is a question to all those having sleepless nights over issues not really their business.

Why The Assumption That All Ladies Above 30 And Unmarried Were Shallow Or Wayward?

I’m sick and tired of all these stereotypical assumptions flying all over the place. Must we always be so judgmental about other people’s lives? Whose business it is that she isn’t married? Why prioritize someone else’s issue?

Just yesterday I came across a post on a social network where a lady reached out to single women above thirty. I couldn’t get the details of her program since she only wanted them to give her a call. To my disgust! This particular man sprang out of nowhere, lamenting on how it was a well deserved “punishment” for all those women who thought their beauty was everything and rejected men at the snap of a finger….haa! He wasn’t done- far from it. He prattled on… on how they were all shallow minded fools who were waiting for rich men to come-by and propose- which didn’t happen.  He was just getting warmed up- On, he went- “starting up men who wooed them- were rejected countless times! Today see them all. Single! Used goods looking for a poor man to marry!” Ugh! Pathetic…

What gets to me on this issue isn’t even the ranting. It’s the assumption that she must be devastated. The assumption that she’s been dealt with by faith for her atrocities. Yeah…I’m sure Mary Magdalene  had nothing on us. Lol. Why the stereotype, that a lady married late or yet to marry because she has a terrible character/past? Who told you that? Who gave you a pass, that- you’re better than these ladies you raise your noses in the air to mock? To belittle and humiliate at every turn? Who gave you the right to judge?  The condescending attitude some people exhibit, both male and female gender against unmarried ladies above thirty is astonishing.

If you’re married and happy in your own home. Why ‘re you so concerned about someone else’s plight? Is it your problem? Is she complaining to you? It seems harder for “a bull to pass through the eye of a needle” than for some to actually grasp that a lady above thirty and yet to marry may actually be happy as she is- living and planning her life. Not encumbered by the responsibilities that acompany’s  marriage”yet.” A time may come when her independence and life experience would make her be a better wife than some that married early.

A mature lady enters marriage with full knowledge of what it entails. She’s isn’t there for fairy tales. She creates a conducive environment for herself and her partner. Why? Simply because at this stage in her life, she knows exactly what she wants and needs and has garnered suitable experience on how to go about it.

A lady that married, let’s say at the age of 22/23yrs. Experienced a hellish marriage and divorced in her thirties or so. And one who didn’t marry on time because of a thousand and one reasons available, that could have prevented her from tieing the knot. Had time on her hands, worked on herself- knew herself well. Built a career niche for herself before meeting her own man. Do you really think the latter missed out on much? This thirty-something year old who has maturity and an understanding of how things works before tieing the knot. Did she miss so much for not marrying sooner?

A lot of married people currently miss singlehood fiercely. Some wish they could dissolve their unions without a backward glance. Some feel trapped. Some ‘re overwhelmed with regrets for entering into that union. Some can recall- the exact mistake that landed him/her in the trap he/she’s in now. Seeing all these, concerning marriage.  It baffles me that, some still see it as a “do or die affair.” A lot of married couples will gladly go their separate ways given the opportunity- no strings attached.

Well…what’s my point? My point is- stop treating getting married as the most important or the “only”goal in a woman’s life. Some want it badly no doubt, others don’t. That- she isn’t married doesn’t mean she’s shallow or wayward. Let me shock you.

Wayward ladies actually marry on time. They’re skilled- they know what men want and like. They know how to rope in/hook a man. They also know exactly the buttons to push to get a man to do exactly what they want. If a wayward lady with her experience sets her eyes on you. You’re in. By the time she’s through with you. You’d swear it was all your ideas. 60% of ladies that encounter late marriages are actually the decent ones. Probably rigid or frigid in nature- some ‘re introverts, some’re nerds and some quite boring. So stop the stereotyping already. It’s beginning to irritate.

What’s your opinion on this issue? I’d love to read it on here. Have a lovely day!

Is There Relevance To Cohabiting?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Is There Relevance To Cohabiting?

Well, I don’t mean to be a kill-joy this morning but I have often wondered. What are the benefits? Gentlemen/ ladies, why is it becoming a norm among the youth? Personally, I don’t see the need of cohabiting before marriage, especially for the girls. Playing “wife” to a man whom one isn’t  married to may not automatically make one “the wife.”

This trend is so common among the youths in the higher institutions. I maybe wrong but is it necessary for partners in a relationship to live together whether in school or not? I know this is the 21st century. I’m also aware it’s quite normal in a civilized world where things work. Such as in the western world. Where some date while in high school. May even marry shortly after high school. Get jobs and start their own family. Some in these countries also pick part-time jobs althrough college, save a little  then marry after college. Although those that went to school on scholarship would still be paying off school loans for a while but at least they wouldn’t be idle or jobless.

That’s where we get it wrong in this part of the world. Here in Africa, the scenario painted above isn’t viable. As a young lady, the young man you are dating in school, most likely doesn’t earn money or have any savings that amount to anything for the future. He’d  finish and still search for job probably for years if he’s unlucky or get one with a lousy paycheck and may still not save much or be ready to settle down in the next 5/6yrs. These facts, if nothing else may still breakup your relationship.

As this becomes apparent to the lady in such relationship. She begins to see how unrealistic it had all been. That’s not all…haa! You wish! As it dawns on her…she’s backing the wrong tree. The societal pressure sets in. It begins to dictate to her what’s obtainable or not. The choices would now be made dispassionately if she’s a conservative type.

What am I saying here? Well…we are quick to pick what works everywhere else but here in Africa. The question is, shouldn’t we know already things that wouldn’t work? They have systems that works in their societies. If you cohabit and it results to a pregnancy/child. There are schemes in place by the government for such happenstance. Such as social security benefits, child support if things didn’t eventually work out for the two as  couple.

I’d direct my question today to the young men/women cohabiting presently. What’s the relevance of your living with your partner? Where do you see yourselves in the next five years in this economic quagmire? If it results to pregnancy/pregnancies, could you cope? What are your contingency plans for such possibility?

I don’t know the reasons why it’s done or why those that participate in it, think it’s in anyway advantageous. Could it be to cut costs? To share the living expenses? But I do know the young lady involved would be the one making most of the sacrifices involved both emotionally and otherwise. For instance, if it results to pregnancy. It is her body involved not his. The bulk of decision making would rest solely on her, on what to do about the pregnancy. She’d begin to worry about things she shouldn’t be concerned about at this stage until after her education.

The bigger issue is even the distractions. Living a couple’s life when both should be focused more on lectures, term papers, regular youthful life and such. I just don’t get it. Is it becoming rampant because it’s the trend or beneficial in some ways I’m unaware of?

From where I stand the pros to this practice are not just visible but the cons are littered all over the place. Especially for the young ladies. I’ve heard severally- “it’s to get to know him/her better;” “a step closer to the huge step of becoming a married couple.”  Or “it’s quite realistic…its relevance is to see how well or not we cohabit as partners before the huge step.” If he/she’s a pretender/ illmanered, problematic, troublesome you’d get to see it. Hmm mm…? If it works, how come we see couples that dated for years breaking up just after about a year or two in marriage?

Young men and ladies, I definitely don’t want to kill your mojo. Uhm…whatever you have going-but I’d  like you to ponder on my questions. If there are benefits for cohabiting with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Do share it with me on here. I’d be thrilled to receive it. At least you’d  have quenched my curiosity.

What’s your thoughts on this topic? Share your views with me on here. I’m quite eager to hear it.

 

 

 

 

 

SELFISHNESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

SELFISHNESS IN RELATIONSHIPS

A lot of people admire couples that succeeded and had years of good marriages down their belts.What most don’t acknowledge is that it was never an easy ride…all rosy.

Some would hang on to a partner only because he/she is supporting him/her one way or another but vanishes into thin air once the table is turned. It never occur to such persons that some situations are temporary. If he/she stuck around, who know? This partner may even surpass his/her previous achievements. It’s all in the mind set.

This is so common, some married couples exhibit this traits too. A partner might do everything he or she could without a single complaint to his/her partner when the chips were down. God forbid the table turns;  God help you if it turned out your partner is one of the selfish ones. The whole world would get to know he/she has been catering for your wellbeing. This type would degrade; humiliate; and belittle you at every turn because he/she was at an advantage/helm of things for a while.

Well…in a friendship situation. There’s still room to avoid or cutoff completely from such dreadful person. Some that don’t find joy in altruistic acts. A person that can not commit him/herself to make things flow at this stage in your relationship may never grow to learn what he/she does wrong.

These kind are also self-absorbed. They rarely exhibit any form of sensitivity. Those with this trait and attitude to life may never realize how emotionally unavailable they often are… they feel entitled to every gesture from others as if it’s their birthright. Hahaha…

Does this sound familiar?

My advice to anyone involved with such insensitive specie of human being is to firstly, talk to him or her about it. If nothing changes. Walk away from that relationship. It won’t get better. It gets worse. This type could hasten one’s journey to meet the Maker. Such person unwittingly pushes his/her partner into depression.

A selfish person care-less about others needs, emotions, situation, perception. Everything is constantly viewed from his/her own binocular in his/her “little” world. Others should take a hike… who cares? Ignoring such appalling behavior could spell doom for the partner who had indulged such from the start. It takes two to tango. Any enviable relationship is always brewed out of team work. You don’t put both hands in your pockets in your euphoric  dream of granduer and expect your relationship to turn out right.

If you are out there and this write up makes you uncomfortable…it touches a nerve in you. Then it’s time you worked on yourself. Don’t always make it your partner’s fault. It could be you, destroying anything good that comes your way. Nothing kills a relationship even marriages faster than selfishness from a partner. Give a bit of yourself…it doesn’t kill. Share your precious time when you could with your partner, show appreciation. Be involved, committed to make your own relationship beautiful. To make it work, is  work in itself and shouldn’t be taken lithely. The ride is definitely smoother and more enjoyable with little or no friction when both wheels are functioning.

If this piece spoke to you, ponder on it. Work on yourself. Be to your partner what you wish your partner to be to you. Lol. Check yourself before you lose your valued possession in your ignorance.

That’s all I have to say today, ladies and gentlemen. Share your thoughts/views on this post with me. I’m eager to read them on here…

It’s Okay To Take A Break Ladies/Gentlemen-Ruminate!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

It’s Okay To Take A Break Ladies/Gentlemen – Ruminate!

My focus this evening is on ladies from 30yrs and above and eligible bachelors. Let’s meditate a bit on our lives. Reflect on how it has been up to this moment. Is there something one would love to change about him/herself? Ponder on this question till an answer comes forth.

I believe it’s very okay to take a walk from it all, for awhile. To take a break from one’s usual routine. The purpose is to take scores, check oneself; one’s habits. Ask oneself deep honest questions. Be honest enough to stare yourself in the eyes with the cold truth. Next step, let’s be determined to adjust where needed. Work on areas that needs to be worked on.

After this period of sober reflection. What are our new “dos” and “don’ts”? Let’s write them down somewhere. Finally, it’s a gradual process. We need to take them, a day at a time. See how it goes. Ignore the outside world while at it. The aim of this exercise is for a new and better version of you and I to emerge. Don’t be in a hurry to resurface. You have been on the surface for a pretty good while, a little break shouldn’t hurt.

Changing a particular trait in one’s character isn’t a day job. Ignoring that trait may hurt us that exhibit it more than those at the receiving end. Most times we are advised to be ourselves. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work on certain flaws that drive others away from our lives. Don’t wait for someone else to try to change you. You may not like the outcome. It might lead to resentment towards that person.

People can change, not completely but to a certain degree from whom they used to be. For this incredible transformation to occur. It has to be a personal decision with the determination to see it through. In the long run, it’s a win win situation. You get to see a new you and the people around you also get to notice these remarkable changes in you that would make them appreciate you the more.

Let’s take for instance; a person trying to quit alcoholism, insolence, snobbery, tantrums, thievery, promiscuity, use of harmful substance, smoking, devious behavior etc. All these vices and traits can only be stopped by a personal decision by oneself and no one else.

Picking up vices while growing up, isn’t that hard. Some environment makes it easy on young men/ladies to pick up unsuitable and unacceptable vices. But to quit these vices or to change from a particular character trait, is a decision one must make consciously and bear the discomforts that sprouts through this transformation process.

During this reminiscence, it’s important to focus on those vices and devise a way to quit, either by avoiding things or places that ignites the itch. Secondly, one has to be determined, strong-willed to see it through. And finally, disciplined enough. The rest is up to faith.

No form of reform has ever been easy. So don’t expect a walk in the park. It’s hard work. No matter the urge to go back to old ways. Do not allow it, fight it and beat it. It’s possible and can be achieved. I’m routing for us all and I know with determination and discipline one can quit any vice. Try it, if it worked, then I’m happy for you.

Do have a lovely day gentlemen and ladies!

The “Delusions About Cheating”

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

The Delusions About Cheating

Now what do we understand by the term delude ? The English dictionary defines it as ; ” to deceive into believing something which is false; to lead into error; to dupe.”Now that was self explanatory. What is cheating in this context? Unfaithfulness in a relationship.

Ladies and gentlemen, look around you. Cheating is becoming a culture in our African society. A disgusting vice yet viewed  as “normal.” Both men and women  all out-doing themselves these days in the game of being unfaithful to their partners. Worse? They all try to justify this nauseating act. Pathetic!

Men now call themselves “polygamous in nature.” Hmm mm? Really? Women cite negligence by their partners as reasons for this dangerous indulgence. Tall excuses! Lack of discipline I’d say…

Check out countries where cheating is abhorred; leads to divorces and hefty settlements and  tell me if the cheating rate in such countries equals those of countries where everything goes. Check countries where cheating wives are left with almost nothing during divorce settlements and tell me the percentage of those randomly caught having affairs.

As for singles, those with their self respect intact do not condone  such total disregard and tactless attitudes from their partners. Only someone with low self-esteem will accommodate such destructive vice from a partner , which will eventually lead to misery.

What am I saying? Here in Africa the delusion has gotten out of hand. Both men and women keep giving flimsy excuses why they cheat.  As a young woman, you keep strings of boyfriends. Whatever for? Material gains? For how long does any of those gains last?

A bachelor supposedly in a relationship/courtship, strings a number of girls along. How would he get it right through all those distractions? How would you ascertain your compatibility with any of them?

This “smartness” (as termed by the perpetrators) some  exhibit in the youthful age, is what breakup homes in the future. You delude yourself into believing your own lies. You unwittingly begin to view cheating as “normal”, which it isn’t.

I have this unflinching view about cheating. I believe to cheat is by choice. There are people that won’t cheat no matter what. It isn’t that they don’t meet interesting guys or ladies out there more attractive, vibrant, livelier than their partner, but because they are disciplined, contented with what they have. It’s not about “lack of opportunity.”

Understandably most of our forefathers married lots of women. Some had 3,4 wives or more and concubines too. Some of our fathers followed same pattern. Obviously seeing it as the norm.

I have a simple question. How many of the ancient  practices are still in existence? Besides things aren’t always black or white. There are always grey areas in life. How are we sure the polygamy practice of the past was a vice? Or a show of wealth? It could have been born out of necessities at that time.

As a bachelor or lady in a relationship. I implore us all. Let’s  not treat cheating with levity. Don’t ignore it or make excuses for such partner. That- “after all we aren’t married yet”crap should stop. Whatever you tolerate in a relationship is assumed you will accept in marriage. Imagine a situation where anyone cheated on, views such as unacceptable. He or she makes a firm move, leaves the toxic relationship. Cheating will grind to a halt.

The world has changed. There are numerous health hazards such careless attitude could breed. Let’s respect our partners and exude decorum at all times. This is the 21st century. Any man or woman that cheats on you has no iota of respect for you.

Secondly, understand this fact;  if he/she cheats on you while in the relationship. There’s a 60% likelihood he/she will do same again in marriage.

By cheating your partner, you degrade him or her. You make your partner insecure by trashing his or her self worth. You make him/her feel inadequate. It’s a nasty and insensitive act.

Africa has advanced, we have come a long way. Africa has stopped uncountable barbaric practices. It’s time we left this insensitivity behind too. Let’s begin to treat our partners with love and respect. Fact is, a nicely treated partner will definitely yield what you are yearning for and searching for out there. What you plant is what you reap. Lol

What do you think? Share your view on this topic with me. This is simply mine… what do I know? Share yours or criticize, it’s allowed.

 

“The Perfect Man?”

Hello Ladies …

My topic today says;

“The Perfect Man?”

Why do people keep prattling so much about ladies waiting for “the perfect” man? Who said just because a lady is yet to marry, she’s waiting for “some perfect” man? I wonder how that fallacy came to be. This now seem like a general assumption held against any lady above 30yrs of age and unmarried.

Does it mean those that dated abusive men, philanderers, con-men, criminals, even those that found out how incompatible they were and knew it won’t work out,  moved on were choosy? Not to mention those that had traumatic experiences. C’mon…? Really? Have you walked in their shoes?

Why do people date? Why do people court? Why do ladies and bachelors become friends? To know one another better. Right? During this period of friendship you found out certain traits  ingrained in this other person, that could cause you harm in the nearest future; such as violence, philandering, unreliability, sadistic nature.  Would you go ahead with him just to bear the tittle “Mrs”? Or thank your star, you found out just in time before entering into a serious commitment with him?

There’s this distaste in my mouth each time I hear people casually toss around this comment; “marriage is for procreation and nothing more”. “Compatibility, affection and all those mushy stuffs,  aren’t necessary”. To those that reasons this way. “Maturity” is accepting any proposal. Deal with whatever consequences later. This is a life changing decision that should be till death, being treated so casually. No wonder so many are miserable while some end up as sworn enemies. I mean, how can it be okay to say yes to just about “anyone” that shows up just because one is in her thirties or above? What happens when you ‘re already in, then the violence, abuse begins? This abusive person beats you blue black daily or sends you to an early grave? Who would then care for your innocent kids? Since you “must” accept “any.” what happens- if after tieing the knot, the criminal or con-man you accepted landed in jail? Or the philanderer who might send you to an untimely death(God forbid) due to his reckless and callous behaviour. Is it the emotional turmoil? The unbearable pain? Or the fear of STDS, curable and incurables? How can one live with such constant fear, being held ransom in one’s own home, insecurity and being constantly embarrassed?

I’m curious though. What’s with this constant need to make any lady trying to avoid unnecessary drama in her life after marriage seem like an unrealistic fool…?  Really? She’s the unrealistic? Not the hopelessly romantic, who thought it would  always be a smooth sail? A fairy-tale…?

Being extremely picky is not wise and nobody should encourage that but to constantly belittle, insult, demean those trying to use their heads to think beyond the “wedding day” is beyond my comprehension.

For instance a scenario where a man shows interest and the next thing, everyone reminds you, you aren’t getting any younger. Like we had amnesia? Haa…! Then you accept, only to realize your worst fear has become real. The astonishing part is, it’s still those same people that reminded you earlier, you aren’t getting any younger, that will soon preach for ” better or worse.” If it leads to malfunctioned home or death. Well, I’m guessing that literally means “or worse” in the  vow. Lol

Although I hate to sound so gloomy! Fact is, being within a certain age bracket and unmarried, attracts all sort of miscreants as suitors, but there are good ones too.  One needs to be careful… not overly so, a little dose will do just fine.

Why is something so seriously complicated as marriage intentionally treated with such levity? As if it’s easy to coexist. Even siblings born of same parents, find it difficult at times.

No man is perfect. Most ladies know this fact. We aren’t toddlers.  Being cautious not to end up with a total stranger who may have so many tricks up his sleeves, shouldn’t be viewed as being picky; choosy; immature.  Just because some rushed in due to whatever reasons they had, doesn’t mean everyone should. Everyone mustn’t learn from personal mistakes.

When there’s friendship, connection, compatibility, trust, mutual understanding and respect. I sincerely believe it would reduce; disillusionment; resentments and nonchalance in marriages. Well…just my humble opinion. What do I know?

What do you think? Share your view on this with me. Criticism is also allowed.

 

Don’t Waste Anyone’s Time All In The Name Of “Relationship”

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Don’t Waste Anyone’s Time All In The Name Of “Relationship”

I want to talk on relationships this morning. Every relationship, needs some necessary materials to work. Be it marital relationship, courtship, and every other kind of relationship. However I’m focusing my attention on single ladies and eligible bachelors today.

For a relationship to work, there must be communication, honesty, understanding each other, compatibility, affection, and respect for each other. Those are the key recipe for a healthy relationship. In the absence of all these mentioned above… you are just fooling around, playing games and quite immature.

You should find it easy to communicate when you are in a relationship. Have deep conversations occasionally. Talk to each other about everything. Discuss your fears, your accomplishments, your dreams.

I do wonder when I hear stories where; a grown man complains that a lady he has been with for months, even up to a year; told him, she’s in a relationship. So for this reason he had to walk out  from the relationship. I find that hard to believe. If there’s truth at all in that, then it must be half truth.  She’s in another relationship you say? How could you not notice if something was different? The subtle changes in her behaviour? Didn’t you spend quality times with each other? Were you busy playing mind games? Hiding your feelings ?  Trying to outsmart each other?

It is mostly those with the mind set that a man or lady must grovel to keep him/her, will carry-on on a relationship for upto 7/8months, without having candid discussions concerning the relationship. Keeping the other partner guessing. And in an emotional turmoil till he or she begins to feel unsure of his/her place in your life. This person could begin to prepare his/her mind for a breakup since your relationship seemed more like a deadend kind of relationship.

For the male folks, showing your feelings, assuring your woman won’t make you less a man. Also your actions towards her will go a long way into shaping her emotional state of mind towards you. Don’t neglect the woman in your life or relegate her to an option. Then come out later to whine when she moves on.

Do not waste your partners time unnecessary. Why be in a relationship with him or her for 2/3 yrs even more when you are unsure of what you want? When you don’t have any particular plan that includes this partner. He/she isn’t  in your future plans… Why string him or her along? For the female folks, why allow a man to sponsor your education and such, when you aren’t committed or sure you are on the same page? Why stay in an undefined relationship for years?

To the gentlemen my advice is; don’t waste a lady’s time in the name of being in a”relationship” with her, when you know deep down you aren’t ready. Allow her meet those ready for something serious. When a man is finally ready, it doesn’t take all those dramatics for him to take that step.  Also quit playing the victim and trying to blackmail a girl you had a relationship with in the past into thinking, it was all her fault because she moved on. What other options was she left with? Being with you for 5yrs isn’t a guarantee you will end up together.

What’s my point? If you are truly into your woman. You feel something special for her and wish her by your side for a long time to come.

Tell her how you feel, show her and let her know your plans for the future. You can’t be hiding your feelings, giving her no clue whatsoever about anything, yet expect her to hang in there like a sponge.

It’s quite depressing for a lady to date a guy who isn’t man enough to share his feelings with the woman in his life. Probably thinks he’s playing it safe. If that’s the case, then play safe but don’t put the blame on her for your breakup. Nobody walks out from something promising and working. People mostly walk away  from irrevocably damaged  or unhealthy relationships.

Let’s be realistic here. Don’t waste anyone’s time and if you do, don’t blame the victim of your callousness for walking out on you.

That’s all I have to say for now, will be back soon. Have a wonderful day you all!

 

Are We All Not Obliged To Work On Ourselves???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

I have always been an advocate on the issue of ladies working on their notable flaws. There’s no perfect man or woman out there. We ladies are often under the microscope being viewed and dissected by men, who takes so much pleasure in dissecting our characters, attitudes and what not. Lol.

Working on one’s self is to one’s advantage. Becoming docile, agreeable, courteous doesn’t hurt anyone. However my topic today is a question to the men. My question is;

Are We All  Not Obliged To Work On Ourselves???

I’m dead serious here. Imagine how one-sided that solid advise usually sound? Lol! It has always been parotted thus; “Ladies work on yourselves!” The society is so interested in the female character traits; she must not be illmannered; obstinate; opinionated; rude; quick tempered; aggressive; spiteful,promiscuous…etc. A lady with one/two or more of these traits needs to work on herself. Agreed.

My question simply is; how come this advise is not also shoved down the throats of the male folks? Are they not obligated to be without blemish as well? Some men are plainly, brash; egoistic, opinionated; shallow; hot-tempered; abusive;caustic; nasty; philanderes; dubious, to mention but a few. Yet the society acts as if the character of a woman solely determines the outcome of a relationship or marriage.

The honest truth is, here in Africa; once we hear of a broken marriage, most just conclude he must have married a terrible woman. Really? A man that wouldn’t work on a single flaw of his, no matter how terrible those flaws are, expects his partner to live with it. But all hers must be changed.

I have cogent reasons for believing so much in one working on one’s flaws. Imagine a situation where a quick tempered man/lady decides to work on his/her temper to avoid confrontations or fights. And his or her partner decides to also work on whatever he/she does, that normally provokes his/ her partner. Are you getting the picture? This simple act of maturity from the man or lady may solve the temper issue permanently. It works both ways,  if you ask me.

What am I trying to say here? Men should work on themselves as regularly as women are advised to. It takes two to tango. Don’t be badmouthing women at every turn, on how they left or wronged you severally. Reminiscence, check yourself. Your character could be why the ladies don’t last around you.

Sorry to break this “news”to you guys. You have notable flaws too, that could damage your home in the nearest future. Work on them. Flaws are not gender prone. Everyone has a flaw or two to curtail.

A better you will definitely attract a better version of a lady somewhere for you.

That’s all I have to say for now, will be back soon.

Have a wonderful day you all!

 

Is Desperation The Solution? 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Today I’m going to touch one of those sour spots we hate to talk about out there again. My topic today says;

Is Desperation The Solution? 

Let’s quickly find out what this word “desperation” is about. The English dictionary defines desperation as;(1)  “the act of despairing or becoming desperate”;  “a giving up of hope.” (2) ” A state of despair, or utter hopeless; abandonment of hope; extreme recklessness; reckless fury.”

Hmm…the definition of this word alone, makes me shudder. It gives me goose bumps, just the thought of someone living his/her life in such state of mind. Sadly, societal pressure has made desperation almost a norm in our society. Having reckless abandon in the pursuit of our desires have become a norm. Desperation isn’t a gender thing. Anyone could become desperate, depending on one’s fervent desire to accomplish a particular goal. A society where a particular set are viewed as failures; losers; nonentities. These set are constantly looked down upon. The desperation to achieve what garners “respect” to others becomes a norm.

For instance most unmarried ladies these days, will do whatever it takes to tie the knot,  become a “Mrs.” This is because the society has made it appear as  the most prestigious title a woman should have before any other. Unmarried women are mostly lumped in as wayward or indecent for being single still at a certain age. Disheartening….

That’s not all. Men are under pressure too, to acquire wealth. A status that should take years of hardwork to achieve. The youth in their quest to make their mark and be accepted and accorded “respect” in the society, do a lot of despicable things, that at times leads to death, in desperation. A bachelor of certain age is also viewed as irresponsible for daring to remain single. No one is interested in the “why.”

How’s desperation the solution? I’m asking this question because I have noticed people get furious with anyone they perceived as “not desperate”, especially if you are unmarried and yet, doesn’t exhibit any of the known attribute of those in a hopeless situation, such as recklessness; being depressed, miserable etc.

My question this evening is this; Can someone explain to me how being desperate solves our problems? Take a look at our political setting today. Desperation has made politics a do or die affair. Most in our society will do just about anything to win. What comes after the win? Hmm…mm?

The quest to marry at all cost has destroyed our core values. Nobody cares anymore about the seriousness of the venture. The end “now” justifies the frigging means. Lol.

A lot has been damaged in our various societies  due to desperation. This has caused so much pretense in our today’s youth. They comport themselves in a certain manner, just to get what they want instead of being themselves or working on themselves to be better as the case should be.

These are what desperation does; It puts you in a state of despair; you become extremely reckless; no caution whatsoever;not thinking straight; you would swallow any nonsense solution thrown your way. You are thrown wide open for extortion, manipulation, abuse,untimely death even, all in the name of searching for “any” solution to your perceived problems. Caution is thrown to the winds. Some become life casualties… if not now, later in life.

My advice to us all this evening is to fight the feeling of despair in whatever situation we find ourselves in life. It solves nothing in the long run, it only somehow compound the problems.

That’s all I have to say this evening ladies and gentlemen. What’s your view on this? Share it on here, others could learn from it.

 

Lowering Your Standard (2)

 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

A lot of people have requested for me to revisit this article and talk more on this particular issue .

https://kareninspirational.com/2016/07/14/lowering-your-standard/

Well, to me this topic isn’t that complicated. It’s a weighty one though.

I have never been the type to go with the “status quo.” I’m fond of asking “why?”, searching; deciphering situations around me.  I discovered, by paying attention to little things(details), one can actually avoid a lot of disastrous situations.

Well…here’s my today’s topic;

Lowering Your Standard (2)

Surprisingly none of the advocates of lowering one’s standard ever give a thought about how the union might go when their “match making”/ counsel works out.

I will restate here that I’m not against lowering of standard to tie the proverbial knot. All I’m saying is to be careful not to lower so much so, that would eventually lead to resentment; indifference; nonchalance; unadulterated hate; in the near future.

Understand my point please, I’m not suggesting to be” excessively careful.” In a nutshell I’m suggesting to pay attention to those little things that could cause “helluva” problems in the future.

Take for instance, in our everyday lives, we are constantly advised to lower our standard. This is gradually instilled in our subconscious. Check out romance novels, movies, all sell mostly the same story. A story where a rich city girl/man, marries someone he or she has absolutely nothing in common with. Let say a rancher, who lives in the middle of nowhere. She leaves everything she’s used to,  familiar with and goes to the “ranch” to live with her “brand-new” husband. Or something of that nature.

Are you getting the picture? Whenever I  watch such, I just shake my head. Haha…

If you are of different social class, I’m not saying it doesn’t work. Hear me out first. “If” you have misgivings he might not fit/blend in, why not reconsider instead of becoming bitter, resentful in the near future, viewing your spouse as a source of embarrassment and making his/her life miserable. Smothering him or her with hatred for something he/she knew nothing about.

You are highly educated,then you lower till that “homey” girl/boy with little or no education becomes the one . Only for you to become unapproachable in your own home few years down the road. Frustrating his/her life, making her/his life a “living hell” because you are miserable and have nothing in common. Was it his/ her fault? Remember, that problem could have been avoided by being a bit more careful.

Haha… tough huh? I am all for lowering of standard fellows; what I’m against is lowering more than you could take. If you are not certain you can take that trait, then don’t overlook it. You can’t stand a con-man; a criminal; a gambler; an unprincipled; a troublemaker; an abusive man, yet you said yes! Lol.

You won’t be the only one miserable in that marriage. You will vent your anger; frustration, misery,regrets…etc. On your unsuspecting partner whose only crime was taking you as you are.

Do not tie the knot just to become “mrs” so so and so if you aren’t sure you can overlook those traits that are a “no! no!!” for you. It would be sad to exhibit unconscionable attitude in your home, few years down the road due to your frustration.

Ladies and gentlemen,  let’s be careful on the issue of “lowering one’s standard.” It’s laudable when done right, yet disastrous when care isn’t taken.

That’s all I have to say this evening my ladies. Do have a wonderful evening and a happy new year!

 

Platonic Friendship With The Opposite Sex/ Possible or Not?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Tonight I want to talk on one of those topics we mostly speculate on, hardly dare look into for the fear of what we could find.

My tonight topic says;

Platonic Friendship With The Opposite Sex, Possible or Not?

I want to share my humble opinion on the issue of keeping the opposite sex as close friends, pals, confidants. Lol. Remember, it is my view.

Now, what is “platonic friendship?”

English dictionary defines platonic as “Not sexual in nature; platonic love.”That explanation was simple enough… you see where I’m headed? I have heard countless debates, discussions, have participated on some of these talks on why a male or female would prefer the opposite sex as close friends rather than his/her kind.

I don’t know much about why a guy might do this but for the ladies, there are numerous reasons  why it’s common, not the usual assumption that she is promiscuous; “sleeps with each and everyone of them.” Lol! Ladies often find it easier to make guys their close friends because for some reasons; we believe he won’t laugh at our blunders or relish the mistakes we foolishly make atimes in our relationships; without offering tangible solutions to correct them.

He gives sound advise when it comes to relationship matters, for the sole reason that, as a man, he knows how men minds work. When you take a relationship matter to a close male pal, just by listening, he already knows where your relationship is headed. He could tell you, “this guy is serious”or “run for your life!” He could say, “you are wasting your time with this one.” Lol. Meaning this one isn’t a keeper. I could go on and on. Most of the men ladies keep as friends wouldn’t gossip about you. Some will be protective of you even. Along the line, you get comfortable, almost like siblings.

Fact is, for someone to allow another to “friend zone” him/her. He or she may actually have an emotional feeling towards that person or not. He/she may genuinely care about this person so much that the person’s well-being comes first. There are friends who have no emotional attachments whatsoever towards each other. Although in some cases,  one person has an attraction towards the other, which the other party refuses to acknowledge or out rightly ignore, so as not to make the friendship awkward.

The truth is, genuine friendship is hard to build. Some will not sacrifice/jeopardize this special bond for”what might have been.” Would rather preserve such precious and unique friendship. A friendship devoid of ulterior motives.

I believe platonic friendship with the opposite sex is very normal. For starters, the ones that become confidants, close friends are already”friend zoned.” It’s tough to find a close friend of the opposite sex who isn’t in the dreaded “friend zone.”Lol. An experienced man or lady already knows this, that’s why when you want to turn them into a shoulder to cry on, they bolt; run like hell…haha.

Usually, when I come across people discussing this very issue. I observed that the perplexed; those that can’t fathom how it could be possible are usually those that have never experienced it. Had they experienced it first hand. They would realize one or both parties had no emotional feeling towards the other. It’s quite rare for such paradigm to change suddenly.

Instead of laying baseless accusations, why not find out the nature of that friendship? Some men have so low an opinion on ladies, they think all ladies sleep with anyone that says “hi” to them. Lol.

This is so common among men. The way I see it, a guy like that has trust issues. Although some men also have ladies as platonic friends, ladies hardly confront or talk about this issue aimlessly as men do.

If you date irresponsible ladies with no dignity, these insights doesn’t apply to you. My primary concern tonight is to say my opinion on this issue. If you value the person you are with, don’t jump into conclusions. The friends out there might be the ones pleading on your behalf when you err, because they want what’s best for your lady/man. Do not generalize or lump all ladies who keep male friends as “promiscuous.”Some ladies wouldn’t ever consider having intimate relationships with casual or close platonic friends. The thought alone might disgust  her even.

That’s all I have to say on this delicate issue. Feel free to share your view with me on this. I’m eager to hear it!

Merry Christmas to you all!

 

Is It Wise To Discuss Every Little Hurdle You Encounter In Your Relationship With Friends?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic this evening says;

Is It Wise To Discuss Every Little Hurdle You Encounter In Your Relationship With Friends?

I understand it’s just a “relationship” not “marriage” but does it actually help? Does it resolve the issues or rather put added strain on it due to “half-baked” advises offered? Hahaha…how many times have you ran straight to your best friend or close friends after a bad fight? Or for an advice concerning your relationship? How did the discussion go?

Don’t get me wrong, I do understand the importance of friendship. Sometimes when we are down, being surrounded by friends is one of the best remedies for getting back on one’s feet. They are there to cheer you up. At times I see friends advises as catalyst that blows some issues out of proportion. Escalating matters beyond repair if care isn’t taken. Hear the reasons, why I think we should be cautious when squealing relationship matters to friends.

  •  It hardly ever solves the problem, most likely escalate matters instead of abating it.
  • Gradually, by prattling about your relationship issues to your friends, you unwittingly reduce your man/lady in their “eyes.” Eventually he/she loses whatever little respect accorded him/her previously by them. It doesn’t end there, this same friend may still use the very information you shared with her or him against you if things eventually goes south. Lol.

My view on this is; instead of discussing such issues with friends who may not have your interest at heart. If you must discuss it at all with anyone, why not search for someone maybe older close to you; mature; and experienced. Certainly this person would be unbiased and able to add two and two together, to have a clear picture and advise you accordingly.

If you value whom you are with, protect his or her dignity by trying as much as possible to iron out the creases in your affairs between yourselves. If it works out, fine. If not, move on.

There’s no point belittling; rubbishing someone you supposedly care about among your friends all in the name of resolving a conflict. It doesn’t bespeak maturity. This may seem irrelevant now until your relationship succeeds and gets to the next level. At this stage, he or she becomes part of your circle and you begin to wonder why your friends are so “cold (unfriendly) to your fiancé/fiancée. Lol

The way your friends treat your lady/ man is entirely up to you. Don’t thoughtlessly make it harder for him/ her to fit in among your friends. It may not matter to you but if she or he begins on a wrong foot, she/he may be an outsider among your clique of friends for a very long time.

Ladies and gentlemen… ponder on these few words of mine today. If it helps you build a better relationship then I have achieved something worth celebrating tonight.

Do have a blissful night and a Merry Christmas!