Are We All Not Obliged To Work On Ourselves???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

I have always been an advocate on the issue of ladies working on their notable flaws. There’s no perfect man or woman out there. We ladies are often under the microscope being viewed and dissected by men, who takes so much pleasure in dissecting our characters, attitudes and what not. Lol.

Working on one’s self is to one’s advantage. Becoming docile, agreeable, courteous doesn’t hurt anyone. However my topic today is a question to the men. My question is;

Are We All  Not Obliged To Work On Ourselves???

I’m dead serious here. Imagine how one-sided that solid advise usually sound? Lol! It has always been parotted thus; “Ladies work on yourselves!” The society is so interested in the female character traits; she must not be illmannered; obstinate; opinionated; rude; quick tempered; aggressive; spiteful,promiscuous…etc. A lady with one/two or more of these traits needs to work on herself. Agreed.

My question simply is; how come this advise is not also shoved down the throats of the male folks? Are they not obligated to be without blemish as well? Some men are plainly, brash; egoistic, opinionated; shallow; hot-tempered; abusive;caustic; nasty; philanderes; dubious, to mention but a few. Yet the society acts as if the character of a woman solely determines the outcome of a relationship or marriage.

The honest truth is, here in Africa; once we hear of a broken marriage, most just conclude he must have married a terrible woman. Really? A man that wouldn’t work on a single flaw of his, no matter how terrible those flaws are, expects his partner to live with it. But all hers must be changed.

I have cogent reasons for believing so much in one working on one’s flaws. Imagine a situation where a quick tempered man/lady decides to work on his/her temper to avoid confrontations or fights. And his or her partner decides to also work on whatever he/she does, that normally provokes his/ her partner. Are you getting the picture? This simple act of maturity from the man or lady may solve the temper issue permanently. It works both ways,  if you ask me.

What am I trying to say here? Men should work on themselves as regularly as women are advised to. It takes two to tango. Don’t be badmouthing women at every turn, on how they left or wronged you severally. Reminiscence, check yourself. Your character could be why the ladies don’t last around you.

Sorry to break this “news”to you guys. You have notable flaws too, that could damage your home in the nearest future. Work on them. Flaws are not gender prone. Everyone has a flaw or two to curtail.

A better you will definitely attract a better version of a lady somewhere for you.

That’s all I have to say for now, will be back soon.

Have a wonderful day you all!

 

Platonic Friendship With The Opposite Sex/ Possible or Not?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Tonight I want to talk on one of those topics we mostly speculate on, hardly dare look into for the fear of what we could find.

My tonight topic says;

Platonic Friendship With The Opposite Sex, Possible or Not?

I want to share my humble opinion on the issue of keeping the opposite sex as close friends, pals, confidants. Lol. Remember, it is my view.

Now, what is “platonic friendship?”

English dictionary defines platonic as “Not sexual in nature; platonic love.”That explanation was simple enough… you see where I’m headed? I have heard countless debates, discussions, have participated on some of these talks on why a male or female would prefer the opposite sex as close friends rather than his/her kind.

I don’t know much about why a guy might do this but for the ladies, there are numerous reasons  why it’s common, not the usual assumption that she is promiscuous; “sleeps with each and everyone of them.” Lol! Ladies often find it easier to make guys their close friends because for some reasons; we believe he won’t laugh at our blunders or relish the mistakes we foolishly make atimes in our relationships; without offering tangible solutions to correct them.

He gives sound advise when it comes to relationship matters, for the sole reason that, as a man, he knows how men minds work. When you take a relationship matter to a close male pal, just by listening, he already knows where your relationship is headed. He could tell you, “this guy is serious”or “run for your life!” He could say, “you are wasting your time with this one.” Lol. Meaning this one isn’t a keeper. I could go on and on. Most of the men ladies keep as friends wouldn’t gossip about you. Some will be protective of you even. Along the line, you get comfortable, almost like siblings.

Fact is, for someone to allow another to “friend zone” him/her. He or she may actually have an emotional feeling towards that person or not. He/she may genuinely care about this person so much that the person’s well-being comes first. There are friends who have no emotional attachments whatsoever towards each other. Although in some cases,  one person has an attraction towards the other, which the other party refuses to acknowledge or out rightly ignore, so as not to make the friendship awkward.

The truth is, genuine friendship is hard to build. Some will not sacrifice/jeopardize this special bond for”what might have been.” Would rather preserve such precious and unique friendship. A friendship devoid of ulterior motives.

I believe platonic friendship with the opposite sex is very normal. For starters, the ones that become confidants, close friends are already”friend zoned.” It’s tough to find a close friend of the opposite sex who isn’t in the dreaded “friend zone.”Lol. An experienced man or lady already knows this, that’s why when you want to turn them into a shoulder to cry on, they bolt; run like hell…haha.

Usually, when I come across people discussing this very issue. I observed that the perplexed; those that can’t fathom how it could be possible are usually those that have never experienced it. Had they experienced it first hand. They would realize one or both parties had no emotional feeling towards the other. It’s quite rare for such paradigm to change suddenly.

Instead of laying baseless accusations, why not find out the nature of that friendship? Some men have so low an opinion on ladies, they think all ladies sleep with anyone that says “hi” to them. Lol.

This is so common among men. The way I see it, a guy like that has trust issues. Although some men also have ladies as platonic friends, ladies hardly confront or talk about this issue aimlessly as men do.

If you date irresponsible ladies with no dignity, these insights doesn’t apply to you. My primary concern tonight is to say my opinion on this issue. If you value the person you are with, don’t jump into conclusions. The friends out there might be the ones pleading on your behalf when you err, because they want what’s best for your lady/man. Do not generalize or lump all ladies who keep male friends as “promiscuous.”Some ladies wouldn’t ever consider having intimate relationships with casual or close platonic friends. The thought alone might disgust  her even.

That’s all I have to say on this delicate issue. Feel free to share your view with me on this. I’m eager to hear it!

Merry Christmas to you all!

 

Is It Wise To Discuss Every Little Hurdle You Encounter In Your Relationship With Friends?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic this evening says;

Is It Wise To Discuss Every Little Hurdle You Encounter In Your Relationship With Friends?

I understand it’s just a “relationship” not “marriage” but does it actually help? Does it resolve the issues or rather put added strain on it due to “half-baked” advises offered? Hahaha…how many times have you ran straight to your best friend or close friends after a bad fight? Or for an advice concerning your relationship? How did the discussion go?

Don’t get me wrong, I do understand the importance of friendship. Sometimes when we are down, being surrounded by friends is one of the best remedies for getting back on one’s feet. They are there to cheer you up. At times I see friends advises as catalyst that blows some issues out of proportion. Escalating matters beyond repair if care isn’t taken. Hear the reasons, why I think we should be cautious when squealing relationship matters to friends.

  •  It hardly ever solves the problem, most likely escalate matters instead of abating it.
  • Gradually, by prattling about your relationship issues to your friends, you unwittingly reduce your man/lady in their “eyes.” Eventually he/she loses whatever little respect accorded him/her previously by them. It doesn’t end there, this same friend may still use the very information you shared with her or him against you if things eventually goes south. Lol.

My view on this is; instead of discussing such issues with friends who may not have your interest at heart. If you must discuss it at all with anyone, why not search for someone maybe older close to you; mature; and experienced. Certainly this person would be unbiased and able to add two and two together, to have a clear picture and advise you accordingly.

If you value whom you are with, protect his or her dignity by trying as much as possible to iron out the creases in your affairs between yourselves. If it works out, fine. If not, move on.

There’s no point belittling; rubbishing someone you supposedly care about among your friends all in the name of resolving a conflict. It doesn’t bespeak maturity. This may seem irrelevant now until your relationship succeeds and gets to the next level. At this stage, he or she becomes part of your circle and you begin to wonder why your friends are so “cold (unfriendly) to your fiancé/fiancée. Lol

The way your friends treat your lady/ man is entirely up to you. Don’t thoughtlessly make it harder for him/ her to fit in among your friends. It may not matter to you but if she or he begins on a wrong foot, she/he may be an outsider among your clique of friends for a very long time.

Ladies and gentlemen… ponder on these few words of mine today. If it helps you build a better relationship then I have achieved something worth celebrating tonight.

Do have a blissful night and a Merry Christmas!

 

 

Is Truthfulness Overrated In Life Affairs/ Relationships?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

Is Truthfulness Overrated In Life Affairs/ Relationships?

Before I give my opinion on this particular issue, which by now you are aware, I have lots of them to give. Lol Let’s quickly find out what truthfulness is all about.

My English dictionary defines truthfulness as; ” The quality of being truthful.” Now- I ask, what is being “truthful”? Once again my dictionary defines it as; “Honest, and always telling the truth.” “Accurately depicting what is real.” Well…that explains itself right there. Lol

Now based on life realities we go through everyday; we encounter numerous ups and downs and end up surprising ourselves on our capabilities which most won’t dare associate with themselves ordinarily until they are in a very tight corner. What am I trying to say here? Well… hear me out. Hahaha…

No one is perfect. Show me that perfect man/woman. I’d show you a “liar/pretender.” We all have weaknesses. That’s what makes us human. Back to my topic, is truthfulness “overrated”? What does it mean to over-rate something? My English dictionary defines it as; “to esteem too high; to give greater praise than due.”Lol. Now you see where I’m headed?

At some point in one’s life, he/she has done something she/he wasn’t so proud of. Let’s say you are in a relationship or living with people that such action may affect, directly or indirectly. Because you knew in your gut, they would be disappointed if or when they find out what happened. You chose the “easy” way out. Which is to either “omit” the truth or damn straight lie about it. Lol. Now- hear why I think telling the “truth” isn’t “overrated.”

Lie or lies are like a bad penny. That’s the honest truth I’m telling you right here. It doesn’t worth the stress and pressure that it strings along, if you ask me. And like a bad penny, it keeps coming up till it bites you where it hurts. Lmao…I understand clearly why someone would be so exasperated to wonder if truthfulness isn’t given more credit than it deserves.

Mr. A/ Miss A, does something he/she isn’t proud of. He or she summons the courage which is no small feat, tells Mr. B the truth. And Mr. B being hurt or disappointed by what he has just heard, flies off the handle! Chews Mr. A out… tongue lashes Mr. A or Miss A for the offence committed, which she/he has just been courageous enough to tell the truth about. Lol.

Are you getting the picture? It’s quite rare for someone receiving such solicited or unsolicited confession not to react or overreact. One begins to wonder if it was worth the effort. It might not have been a big deal or would not have been any deal at all if one has kept his/her mouth shut. Hahaha…

At that particular moment, that popular saying “what happened in Paris stays in Paris ” begins to look enticingly appealing. In a relationship, omitting to tell the truth whenever such need arises or out rightly lying about things will only postpone confrontations. Fact is, when truth finally gets out,  because it always mostly does. It only takes a while. The anger, the hurts, hardly ever generate from the incident or action of the perpetrator. Instead it comes from the fact that the “truth” was kept from him or her for a reasonable period of time. He/she begins to wonder which other “secret/s”is being kept from him/her or what else he’s/ she’s being lied to about.

It destroys trust. It destroys faith this person has placed in you. It’s  even worse when, it was the partner that discovered  the truth, all by him/her lonesome self. You would be in a very “hot” soup. Lol.

So dear ladies… no matter how hard it is, truthfulness is still the best bet if you ask me. It’s the major way to study your partner. If you did something that your conscience bothered you about, there’s a 90% probability it will also bother someone else. Being truthful is being real. No one said it’s easy but you get to see the other person for real. Get to know how they react to life issues. By the way, lying in a relationship is not synonymous to “cheating.” That isn’t what we are discussing here today. It’s a sub-part of a whole though, for there’s a thousand and one other situations, that could lead to being “tempted” to lie or omit the truth for peace sake.

The thing is, it’s better to say it out while it’s hot and take your chances than being on edge each day trying hard to cover a lie deeper each day. Trust me, a lie will keep rearing it ugly head every chance it get, until you despise yourself for it or get caught. And none of these options is appealing or worth the stress.

Telling the truth always, no matter how hard it is at that particular time is still one’s best option. It isn’t overrated… what one needs is the courage to go through with it. Human beings will be human beings, if the person you are with doesn’t appreciate the effort and courage it took for you to be truthful, instead focused only on what he/she heard you say you did, then he or she is an insensitive bastard… just do it for your peace of mind then- always. Thank me later!

That’s all I have to say this lovely morning. Do have a wonderful week, you all.

 

 

How Do We Rebuild Trust?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

How Do We Rebuild Trust?

Now what does the word “Trust” mean? The English dictionary defines it as; ” confidence in or reliance on someone or quality.”

Well, that explanation is quite simple. I’d say, trust apart from the one children have in their parents which I believe must be inborn right from the cradles, is usually earned. That of a child and his/her parents; the child trust them wholeheartedly to provide for him/her; to protect; to be there always; to love and care; to pay him/her attention whenever he or she sort it.This kind of trust will remain firm if the parents didn’t fail at their duties. It remains intact because deep down the child often takes this for granted because it has always been there. But if the home was malfunctioned. Distrust could start early even from childhood, which is a very complex situation, that has diverse reasons which I won’t be dabbing into just yet. Lol! Here today, I want to share my view on trust in a relationship, which is earned. If it could be rebuilt or not.

Let me put it this way. You can’t just meet Mr. A and decide he’s very truthful, principled, reliable, faithful and so forth. Before one acquire such firm confidence in Mr. A. One must have had cause to believe it to be so. You have faith in his truthful nature. “He will tell the truth no matter what.” You’d say this because you believed it to be so. You believed it because you trust him. Are you getting the picture?

Now, this trust makes every relationship strong, stress-free, easy, blissful, euphoric until “something” shatters it.

In a situation where someone you believed could never lie to you, lies to your face and somehow you already knew the truth. You caught him/ her in a lie” red handed”, doing something you could never have associated with him or her. Gracious Lord! Hmmm… painful, right?The mind is a tricky gadget. At that particular moment , the whole trust “built” comes tumbling down. One begins to speculate, maybe it had all been a lie.

On today’s topic, I’m here to talk about how or if it’s possible to build trust back when it has been lost. Things will never be the same, let’s tell one another the real truth here. But something new could be built from a shattered trust. Trusting again may become quite difficult to the “betrayed.”  Hahahah… are you surprised I used that particular word? Oh, c’mon. How does it feel when someone you had so much confidence in, does something you could vouch for him/her, would never do? The truth is, there’s this feeling of betrayal right inside one’s gut, squeezing, you feel like your heart would burst right open in acute pains.

Let’s use this scenario…a man meets a decent girl, an epitome of a virtuous woman. On a faithful day he discovers, that persona was all a lie. Or a decent girl finds out no atom of truth has ever passed through her partners lips. He had lied, cheated and done several despicable things behind her back.

OK! Now here’s the fun part. In a scenario where the trust is gone. Now you are seeing the real him/ her, at the moment. It isn’t appealing one single bit. It isn’t over though. Is he/she remorseful? Deeply moved by the hurt she/he has caused you, for real, not just trying to appear remorseful. You may never be sure. It’s a risk you would have to take if you still want him/her.

Before you think of rebuilding trust, it means you still want him/her in your life. “No one is perfect”; they say…I believe if you love this person, the only way this move could work is to; forgive wholeheartedly; start afresh on a clean slate. Be determined to be patient until he/she proves to you that, he/she will not jeopardize your relationship by letting such happen again.

Let him or her come clean, encourage him to spill everything to you. It is a risk, let him take it because he shattered that trust in the first place. I called it a risk because even after hearing it all. You can still walk away without a backward glance. The betrayed has all the chips on this one. He/she will have to weigh his/her options. Decides whether he or she could forgive and start to trust this same person again.

The damage has been done, even if he/she moves on. That experience could cause  trust issues towards the next person he/she meets. In a situation like this, the cliché ” the devil you know” begins to sound comforting. Isn’t it simpler not to mess up someone’s life just because you are a crook, a lair, a cheat, a thief or whatever? Be that from the onset. You would be surprised. Some girls or men will know these facts, still fall for you. When you betray someone trust, that person may still forgive you and try to rebuild the relationship. It is a choice. But something is lost in the process, no matter how hard you try, that “unflinching trust” may never be regained.

If you value that relationship of yours.  Watch your actions. Trust is one of those things very hard to rebuild when lost. I can’t give you false hope here my ladies, if you want it to last, be trust worthy.

That’s all I can say this lovely morning. Have a wonderful day!

Is It Necessary To Define A Relationship? 

Hello ladies…

Today I’m going to touch another sour spot in our lives;

Is It Necessary To Define A Relationship? 

Lol. That’s right. That’s my today’s topic.

What does the word “define” mean? The English dictionary says; “to determine; to settle, decide; to express the essential nature of something.”Well- there you have it. The definition definitely defines itself here. Lol. Now, my topic today ask, if it is necessary to define a relationship. In my humble opinion I believe the answer to that, is a resounding “yes! it’s.”

In life I believe  it’s better to learn from what happened to others than wait till it gets to you to learn from it. Experience is the best teacher they say; but learning from others mistakes instead of one’s own mistake is what I call “wisdom”.

As ladies we date, we get involve in relationships that lasts or crashes and burns. Get me right- I’m not saying men don’t get involved in dead-end relationships. Oh! They do, even more than we ladies at times.  But remember they aren’t on any obvious biological clock; we are though. Sad but true. Every relationship you enter into should be defined. Don’t ever assume you both are on the same page. It would be a rude shock to find out after, three to five years in a relationship that you both want different things out of the relationship.

Sadly, most times, we fancy ourselves in-love and for that reason, we ignore a lot of signs of doom staring us in the face. If he won’t define it, then he’s hiding something that may not be favorable to you, so you shouldn’t relax just yet.

Holding on to a relationship that is heading to crash won’t automatically stop it from crashing. The least it could do, is to postpone the inevitable or hang in there just on a thread of pity which won’t do you any good in the long run. A situation like this strips a lady of her self worth, she becomes uncertain. He blows hot or cold according to his state of mind. If he wastes your years without making any plans towards you. He might defend himself someday by saying he promised you nothing. Lol. Sounds familiar? Are you getting the picture? He hangs you to dry while weighing his options. Probably waiting for a better choice. Hahaha… if he is serious with you my lady, let him define it…

Defining the relationship is a bold step that any man truly in a relationship that means something to him would take. I’m not saying it means you must end up together. No. Far from it. It’s a step in the right direction though…

You work on it together, if it works out, fine. If it didn’t. well…you at least learned from it. But to just befriend someone without any idea which direction you are headed, would be like just drifting at sea, in a boat without paddles.What would be the outcome of that boat ride? Lol.

My ladies, ponder on these words, if it guides you to a better/ healthier relationship, then it means I have done something worth my while tonight… but if it leads to a crash; never mind. Someone better will find you. Don’t just be in a relationship for relationship sake, if it’s a dead end sort of relationship, I believe you can feel it already. Obey your instinct and get out of there. You will get over it in no time. If you make up your mind.

Wishing you all the best. That’s all I have to say tonight.

What do you think?

 

 

 

“Low Self Esteem” The Number One Catalyst In Abusive Relationships.

Hello ladies…

Today I’m going to share my opinion on

“Low Self Esteem” The Number One Catalyst In Abusive Relationships.

OK! Let’s roll…

What do we understand by the term self-esteem?

The English dictionary says; “confidence in one’s own worth”; self-respect. “Estime de soi” as my French neighbors would say.

Well- that was self explanatory. Everyone needs to have self-respect, not over confidence. Lol. A normal dose, will do just fine. Low self-esteem is one of the causes of abuse in any form of relationship. Take for instance while in school; at any level. Who were the ones bullied? Who did the bullies in your class ever targeted? Lol

Are you getting the picture? They always go for the ones with low self esteem. The ones that bend their head in shame while being tormented. The ones that sob pitifully when  harassed. The ones that run away in fear. The bullies feed on “terror.” Am I right or wrong? Now, you see where I’m headed? Hahaha… the moment a bully mistakenly takes on someone with self-confidence! Ah- ha! He gets served! Lol. It’s not about physical strength. This type of strength radiates from within.  The day he/she tries such person, he/she gets reduced to rubbles by sheer-will.

Abuse in a relationship can be from anyone. It’s not something only men do. A lady could be abusive too. Why sit there taking it all in, day after day? You feel you don’t deserve him? You can’t get anyone better? You feel she’s far more sophisticated than you? So you should be treated like “trash?” Really?

He says you will never meet someone better? You swallowed that? Really? That’s why you get beaten for exchanging greetings with a friend on the side-walk?Let me throw more light on what low self esteem does to any kind of relationship. Be it marriage, friendship, courtship to name a few. The victim has no say; no voice, no opinion whatsoever,  over his/her own life. You are called stupid! You nod your head and think thus; “I though as much, I never do anything right! I will never amount to anything.” Hmmmm… sad huh?

Abuse could be verbal, physical or in any other form. It starts gradually, peeling away your self value, your self-respect, until you begin to believe you deserve it because you are worthless. A bully makes someone with low self-esteem fall lower, lower. Nothing you ever do is good enough. In your head, you keep making excuses for him/her. Maybe if I try harder, he/she will get to see I’m good enough and reciprocate.  Lol. Keep dreaming… it’s free.

Most of these predators are insecure. Some are “naturally” bullies. Some, might not be of their own making. It could be as a result of the environment they grew in. It could be so many other things, which I won’t go into now. What I’m  here to tell you is this; it stops once you stand your ground. Once you assert yourself during confrontation, make yourself heard, not seen once in a while. Learn to defend yourself if need be. There’s still another enticing option! Leave, if you remotely suspect your life is in danger.

Make up your mind. Be determined to build your self-esteem. Go to your mirror, stare at yourself closely. Accept you, as you are. See yourself as unique. Love yourself, be your number one fan. Tell yourself nobody out there has any right or power to tell you, who you are. You know damn well who you are. You are special and deserve the best life can offer you.

Ponder on my words if you are experiencing something similar. There’s always an option, take the one that suits you…

Well…what do you think?