GOING BACK TO AN EX

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic might touch a nerve. Sorry! Lol!

 

GOING BACK TO AN EX

Why Do We Romanticize The Past? Based on my observations on relationships. I’m of the opinion that most baggages one struggles with after a broken relationship is often created by oneself – by refusing to let go of the past.

 

Well- many attimes  we reminisce of the good old days. Tell tall tales of how it was a period in our lives matched by no other. We often paint it so good, everything else seems mundane. Well- I’m not here as an expert on the matter. I don’t know that it’s right or wrong. I believe as thumbs are different, so are people. We’re all unique in our ways and must’ve cogent reasons for our actions.

 

People all over the globe, keep searching for that particular person, they connect with on a different level. A feeling attested to be “real” by those lucky to have experienced it. Elusive as it often is- a risk, some’re willing to take though- no matter the race, colour, tribe, maturity, age, sophistication, exposure. Could it be the reason people rekindle old flame? Not all but a large number of people do reconnect or rekindle their broken relationships or wish they had done so.

 

What exactly is the rationale behind going back to an ex? I mean- if one is being honest…there must’ve been reasons it didn’t work out the first time; such as fights, pains, disillusionment, betrayals, etc. Until it was stretched beyond limit- then it crumbled! So why do we deliberately ignore the ugly parts? Romanticizing something that had its “rough patches. ” Most times, hoping for a chance to try again- expecting a different outcome, which is rarely the case.

The thing is-the odds are against the “hopelessly romantic” probably expecting   a better outcome.

  • Firstly, the issues that caused the breakup aren’t often ironed out when the partners reconnect. In the heat of the moment, it often seem trivial.
  • Secondly- time must have passed. Things might not be as they were. It could either gets better or worse. Quite a huge risk I must say. All that energy- to resuscitate something lifeless/broken? Why not Channel it into building something new?
  • Each partner in that relationship could be walking on eggshells to avoid confrontations, trying too hard to make things work. Not a good sign, because those underlying issues would be there waiting to burst, once guards are down.
  • The partner who invested more in that relationship could find him/herself working tirelessly to keep it alive.
  • There might be changes that’d occurred while both were separated. For instance, the once lively, warm, exciting daredevil of a partner, who wasn’t afraid of trying something new, might have become a prude. It’d take a lot more than affection but a unique strong bond to make such work.

Now- having pointed out few of the numerous odds against one. The question is; is it worth it?

 

I’m not against anyone who wishes to try. Life is all about risks after all. I don’t encourage it either. It’s solely the individual involved that knows if it’s worth the risk and efforts or not. What I do know is that- when we stop romanticizing the past. Fewer people would wish to go back to an ex. Looking at one’s past dispassionately- seeing things as they truly were might just be the much needed cold bath, that would pull one back to reality. Haha..

WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON LADIES PLAYING- “HARD TO GET”???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON LADIES PLAYING-“HARD TO GET “???

Well- I’d  love to know your view on this over flogged phrase used mostly by men in our society, to describe ladies reactions while being wooed.

Now- what does wooing mean? The English dictionary defines it as; to endeavor to gain someone’s affection.  This act has been in existence for centuries. The world has evolved though- civilization, especially through the birth of social media has almost changed the wooing game completely. Some ladies are emboldened through civilization- and more likely to express their feelings towards a man they fancied or found interesting. Funny enough, these changes haven’t automatically scrapped the lamenting of some men; that some ladies play “hard to get” even when they’re interested in the proposed courtship.

My take on this wailing from men- on ladies playing hard to get or acting indifferent while being wooed by the opposite sex, is that- it shouldn’t be generalized. Every Tom, Dick and Pedro now claims, a lady played hard to get on him. Even though, it could just be a case of unrequited love.

The thing is- I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. My view is- I don’t believe it happens as frequently as those whose ego has been smashed to rubble, want us to believe. Has it ever occurred to some men that, a lady who refused to pick your calls- claimed too busy for a date with you, may just be passing across a direct message- which is, she isn’t interested. I mean, is it not similar to how some, initiate breakups? Some ladies find it difficult to reject a relationship proposal, straight to your face. Especially the sensitive ones; trying to save you that awkward conversation.

Fact is-some ladies play hard to get for real at least in our African setting. Upbringing plays a huge role in shaping one’s character. Those days, etiquette demanded a young lady should carry herself in a certain manner. Having been taught from childhood it’s unladylike to be unrestrained. Or show interest initially while being wooed.

Truth be told- some men actually badmouth/mistreat ladies who were interested in them from the onset. They would at times call such person cheap. Going by this belief, he won’t value the relationship and would eventually take her for granted. This particular logic agrees with the cliche- “people generally value what they made strenuous effort for.”

What about having an open mind? It may or may not be any of those plausible reasons. Things aren’t always what they seemed. What if she happened to be in a relationship and wasn’t interested or available? What if instinctively, she knew, she wouldn’t’ date you? What if just after minutes of talking with you on a first date- she had already seen traits that disgusted her? Do we really think a jerk, is that hard to spot? Lol. Or a braggart? Or a vain man- so fixated on his look? Or a pompous prig? Who thinks he’s the best thing since chocolate. Haha…these’re strictly my opinions though.

My point is- ego is a dangerous trait in any human being. You may never know her reasons for lack of interest initially. I think it’s so wrong to always assume it was an “act.” A lady may not like your personality at first. But something you did, maybe on a date or a particular trait you’ve may gradually melt her heart and endears you to her. That doesn’t mean she was pretending at first. It might just be that you gradually won her over. Understand that, she might not have been interested in you until she began to see traits she likes in you.

My humble advice? If she wouldn’t take your calls – shows absolutely zero interest in you. Move the heck on- she probably isn’t playing any stupid game. Could be, she’s simply not interested in you.

WHY DOES APPEARANCE MATTER So MUCH???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Why Does Appearance Matter SO Much???

Well- every society has its orientation. Its accepted norms, approved and stamped by the society as appropriate. Why is it that so many people hunger both consciously and subconsciously for societal approval?

There’s a matter that gnaws at me. Why do most people in our society take things at face value? Is appearance all that matters? Why’re some people so uneasy when it comes to looking inward? Or looking deeper at situations? Is it the fear that you may find out the truth about yourself? A truth hidden under layers and layers of facades?

The other day I saw a picture of a mother and child lying in wake, about to be interred into Mother Earth. It went viral. The story behind it broke my heart. According to the story, her partner- beats her blue-black so frequently- as recounted by their neighbors; even to the extent of beating her on her due date for delivery, until she collapsed and was unconscious. She and her baby died together, that very day! What actually bothered me most about the incident as narrated was that; she left severally but was encouraged to go back to her spouse by her family and friends. It’d be “embarrassing” if words got out that “their” daughter’s or friend’s marriage had crumbled. I guess.

Well- that’s certainly a complicated case since she was married. My main focus is on those still in the relationship stage. Why is it that, the society frowns when it’s a lady that”finds fault in a man she’s dating?” I don’t get it. Men break up with ladies everyday, out there. Once there’s a tiniest doubt in their mind about a particular relationship- especially when marriage is the ultimate target. Is it so “unreasonable” for a lady- that could end up in such heartbreaking circumstance, as the lady narrated above, passed through- to see these signs and move on before she becomes a victim? Does leaving an unhealthy relationship equate to being choosy? If he’s a; criminal, drunkard, dubious, violent, aggressive, sadist…etc. Should she stay and endure? Are all these traits mentioned, now inherent in every other man? So, there’s no point hoping there’s someone compatible, with similar values to hers, out there?

Now- let’s assume, a man/lady in a relationship sees character traits in whom he/she’s in a relationship with, that are intolerable, unimaginably offensive. He/she goes; “what would people say? How’d friends and family react? What’d neighbors say? His/her thoughts, puts everyother person’s reaction above his/her own needs. Hmm…mm?

The stereotyping doesn’t help either. A young lady that behaves in a certain manner is termed “decent or not.” It becomes engraved in the mind subconsciously as the type to sort or not when making plans to settle down. Oh? If she appears “decent.” She’d tick all the boxes I assure you. Lol! What happens later? Incompatibility; the real character springs to the surface. It becomes obvious you’ve been misled- “judged the damn book by the cover.”Serves you right. Lol!

No matter the pressure ladies and gentlemen- I still maintain, it’s not about the society or peers. It’s about you. I’m sure there’re no perfect relationships or even marriages out there. The thing is- there’re good ones out there or would you rather join the nightmare version because you want to please the society? To be in an intolerable relationship just so that others would approve. Whatever did their approval do for the buried ones? Or those passing through hell because they’re afraid to be judged by those in their circle?

I believe being real is still one’s best bet. Be yourself- there’s someone out there that’d understand and love you, flaws and all. And still want to be with you’d show up in due time. Instead of living a charade that’d blowup in your face at some point.

LEARN TO MIND YOUR BUSINESS-PLEASE!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is on a jovial route. It says ;

Learn To Mind Your Business-Please!!!

Hahaha…funny right? I know…

The other day I came across a post on Facebook where a lady was reprimanding those that’d bring her juicy news/ gossip of her boyfriend “extracurricular” activities, which she was blissfully unaware of. She said anyone that brought her such unpleasant news “owed” her a new boyfriend. Lol! As funny as this sounds- I see her point.

I wonder why some make themselves sole bearers of unsolicited bad news to others. Once it’s a news that’d cause the person unimaginable grief, this type of busy- bodies just want to be there when it unfolds. They want to watch your face, witness every detail of your reaction as you battle for composure. She/he could regale others with this sizzling gist- disguised as “sharing” her sympathy for “you” to them, of course. Haha… if it was something good- he/she wouldn’t have had time to contact you in person. People simply crave for something bad to happen- if it doesn’t. Some would even twist something good- all in a futile effort to make it appear bad.

Why I agree with the lady’s post on Facebook? Okay, you think or know for a fact that her man is cheating on her. Uhm… you’re loyal and must protect your friend! I get that too. You’re sure her relationship is now in shambles! Oh! I know… haha.  Now- you’ve become her avenging angel, must protect her and save her from further embarrassment! Of course. Lol! What’re friends for? My question though is- what’ve you achieved by being nosy/ meddling into her affairs? What happened to minding your own business? Is it your affair? How sure are you of your own partner?

Lol! Hear me out first- I’m not saying if his/her partner is cheating, that- it’s okay. Far from that, neither am I saying do nothing if you knew for a fact and this is a good friend. But don’t make it a juicy gossip and dump it on him/her like you’re doing him/her a favour! I hate gossipers with passion. There’re ways one can alert a friend of his/her partner’s behavior, without actually pointing a finger. A sensible person would take note and device a way to sort things out with his/her partner without making a ruckus about it.

Gossipers make a mess of things, most times. Even King David killed gossipers twice in the Holy Book. The first gossiper, brought him a juicy news of King Saul’s death, expecting a pat on the back or even a befitting gift, instead he got his death. The second gossipers brought him a hot gist of how they killed Ishbosheth- while he was having an afternoon nap in his own home! It gets worse- those two were the perpetrators of the said crime…thinking it’d please him- that they had killed his “presumed” enemy. Lol! I call them the overzealous- “Baanah” and “Rechab.” What did this act fetch them? Their hands and feet were severed from their bodies!  Check it out- tell me if I’m making a valid point- 2Samuel4:5-12. It is an interesting read I assure you.

The thing is- let’s all learn to mind our business. I try hard to do just that because I’d realized quite early in life that things aren’t always what they seemed. For instance- from the story above Baanah and Rechab thought what they did was a show of loyalty to David- what they didn’t know was one single “fact”- David never saw King Saul or his family as his enemies. You may think you’re bringing your “friend”a good and valuable news. But you aren’t the one in that relationship, so you may not know that “single” fact that binds them- just as it happened in the narrative above.

I think I’ve said enough- just stay off other peoples matters. She who wears the shoes knows where it hurts. There’re different shades too. You can never tell. Your baggage might be bigger than that of whom, you’ve asigned yourself to watch over. He/she might have deeper history why things seem the way they appear to you. Do have a lovely day you all!

 

Sex On A First Date???

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is one of those situations  we’d rather not acknowledge because it makes us uncomfortable, particularly the ladies.

Sex On A First Date???

Now- I hate to sound vulgar here! But there aren’t many ways to hit the nail by the head.  My focus here today is on those that actually believe they’re in a genuine relationship, leading to something more.

Why am I writing this? Well- to alert younger ladies of the harm they may fall into if not a bit more careful in their various relationships, especially at the initial stages. My aim is also to reach those who may not be aware that, there’re predators out there, who prey on the innocent. The opportunists who might appear genuine, luring you into believing there’s more to it all. Maybe you just got out of a bad relationship. Maybe you haven’t even had one yet. Naive, vulnerable -ah ha! The perfect ingredients that attracts this particular specie of human beings.

The thing is- no matter how careful you’re, you could still fall into this act. Waste valuable time/years of your life thinking you’re in a relationship. But sadly, you might have made a huge mistake by that single act. On rare occasions, it might work out but it rarely does. Has it occurred to you, he might be wondering, how many times, you’ve done same with other guys? Lack of self control. Sorry- “truth is bitter” they say.

These are few signs that you’re not his girlfriend after such encounter.

  • He isn’t really interested in you anymore. Would you blame him? No more mysteries about you to unravel.
  • He now starves you of his attention, avoids deep conversations with you but suddenly becomes nice out of the blue when he wants to invite you over for the night. Lol. Sounds familiar? He has relegated you to a booty.
  • He begins to avoid your calls or going on dates with you. This is a message to you, that he has lost interest in you. Move on and learn from your mistake.
  • He could tag along but talks nothing else but sex-related issues with you and tactfully leads each discussion back to sex. This is simply because, you’ve become a sex object to him.
  • He might never be motivated to please you. This is simply because he has no plan to tag along nor have any plans for the future with you.
  • Your value reduces drastically when you jump into bed with a man on a first date or couple of dates, except on very rare occasions.

The thing is- these things aren’t cast in stone- use your discernment. You just met a man. What a first date is made for, is for you to get to know a bit about him. It’s even super important to restrain yourself, if you liked him totally. It’s not pretence. It’s called exercising decorum. If you truly liked someone, you’d want to get to know him better. No matter how many relationships stories you’ve read or what you’ve been told. My humble advice?

Never be in a hurry to share a man’s bed. Intimacy isn’t all that… I might sound archaic to you. Truth is- it is, what it is. Fact is, it’s crucial you avoid intimacy at the initial stage of a relationship, if you remotely want to get to know your man or want him to actually take time to know you. Sounds old-school? I bet. It’s the truth though- take it or not.  A man that truly cares about you, would be patient.

Some would tell you lame stories about their “friends” who slept with their girlfriends on their first dates and re now married. “Bull!”- it’s just a line, they use to get laid.  So? what’s the relevance of sharing that information with you, at that particular moment? Let’s use our heads more, my ladies. Don’t ever allow yourself to be pressured into sex in a relationship. If he has good intention towards you. Believe you me, he’d wait. What’s the rush? Unless there’s an ulterior motive.

Ladies/ gentlemen, what’s your view on this matter?