Ladies Above 30 In Here!!!

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

Ladies Above 30- In Here!!!

I’m going to share a bit of myself on today’s post. Although I’m a very private person- an introvert to boot. All through my previous articles, I’ve tactfully distanced myself from my writeups. But something happened to me recently, that prompted me to share this here. I’m actually not sure why I’m sharing this here. For sympathy? I doubt. For understanding? For proper scolding from strangers? I don’t think so! To lighten the burden in my heart? Probably. Fact is- I’m not exactly sure why.

I ended my almost 3year old relationship just about 2months ago. We were already making plans for a future together. Well- this wouldn’t be a big deal if you aren’t in your 30ties and expected by everyone, to be settled in your husband’s house at this stage with kids of your own. Now- bring this scenario down to an African setting- i.e. Nigeria. Then you would realize how crazy, unimaginable, this action, sounds to many. I must be crazy to end a relationship at my “age” no matter what. I should be grateful a man even spoke to me, right? I should’ve crawled on my knees- “barked like a dog” or “hopped around until am commanded to do otherwise. To make sure I win the ring. No? ( borrowed from that hilarious scene from the classic “Coming To America”). What could be worse than being a spinster in Africa?

I’ve never been one to bother myself with what others think of me or my actions. For once in my life though, I was bothered. I was almost crushed not because I ended things but due to how some of my closest friends reacted to it- without even listening to the reasons behind my action. Like I mentioned in one of my previous articles- once your relationship is in a rocky place, you know it. Pretending all was well just to bag the “Mrs” title would’ve been living a lie, postponing the inevitable. When there’re conflicts of interest/problems/glaring differences, in a relationship- the  ability to admit these problems exists. Then, sorting out viable solutions to rectify them. To me, is the only way forward.

Sadly our society mostly care about the “Mrs” title and nothing more. Some viewed my action as foolish. Others, as an act of ignorance- to some, it portrayed   arrogance, silliness etc.

Well, we can’t all view marriage as a “do or die” affair folks. That, I’m in my thirties doesn’t mean I should desperately hang on to a man even when I see danger in doing so, nor does it mean I’m without a choice in deciding whom I should be with. It also doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pursue other goals of mine and live a moderately happy life while at it. And the truth is- we are not toddlers. I don’t think any lady above thirty years of age is looking for a “perfect man.” Wanting to share my life with a decent person isn’t too much to ask, or is it?

 

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Cultivating A Relationship/Marriage To Acquire Wealth- Is It Worth It?

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic focuses on;

Cultivating A Relationship/Marriage To Acquire Wealth- Is It Worth It?

Yesterday I came across a post on Facebook. This lady was seeking for advice. I was alarmed reading through her post, just from her first two paragraphs. By the third, I was already horrified- the whole write-up sent a cold chill down my spine. No iota sense of self preservation. The lady in question according to her- is currently in a relationship with an ill-tempered man, whom is sadly wealthy. He hits her at will- no matter how trival the offense. He punches her in the face or any other space he sees on her body, uses objects to batter her. The picture of her battered face was right there! Eyes, entire face swollen and disfigured, turning blue/blackish. To my horror! She wasn’t seeking for advice on how to move on speedily or how to report to the authority concerning her safety. She was seeking for advice on how to “endure” the hitting because according to her- “I’m going nowhere- won’t even consider the thought.” she quipped. whoa! I was stunned. What could be the reason for such a stoic stance? Then, I saw it.

This lunatic she has vowed to hang on to- whom treats her like scum is wealthy. He takes her shopping, buys whatever she picks at the malls, boutiques. He credits her accounts each time he beats her. She even deliberately offends him at times- just so that he’d credit her accounts. “Meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me.”She gushed. She has acquired wealth through her stoical attitude. She called him generous, though mean-spirited and violent.

As I read on- my skin crawled like I just came in contact with a live snake. What-the-heck! I felt so disgusted I could taste it literally in my mouth. What a pity. Furtune hunter- right?Lol! What else is she? Our society is flooded with ladies with this mindset. What pisses me off is- when she’s in there, acquiring “wealth”-

mining this gold behind his backyard, we won’t hear a single complaint- not from her. The day she gets enough, reaches her targets – the play acting starts! She would waltz back into the social media seeking empathy, filling us with stories on how she had endured this same abusive spouse for years because she “loved” him. Busybodies that we mostly are- would spring into action- calling for the spouse head on a platter. That’s if she was alive to tell us about it. If not, it becomes hashtag- #Justice for Mrs A. Uhm… #Justice?

The thing is- I’m not saying it’s right to hit a lady. I don’t subscribe to abuse of any kind. But not all those whining on the social networks- (“he hits me- put me through unspeakable suffering”) deserve our sympathy. Some would’ve become your archenemy if you’d pointed out, they were dating a violent/abusive man. They pretend- it doesn’t matter so long as the money is there and keeps flowing. Later when mission might have been accomplished, then the melodrama.

Ladies, well- none is perfect. I’m aware, neither am I better than the next lady out there but damn it! Riches/money isn’t everything. What about a peaceful life? What about being treated as a human being? What about not being treated like an animal or a slave? What about raising kids in a conducive home? What about not irrevocably damaging your kids due to the trauma of being raised in a malfunctioned home? What about not being reduced to a toy in your home?

It baffles me when people place money above their lives, safety and health. Worshiping money has shredded our values- our common sense. It has been placed above character-dignity. If we don’t retrace our steps, I shudder to think what the future holds for us all.

What’s your thoughts on this topic?

Abusive Relationships 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic says;

Abusive Relationships 

Anyone in a relationship knows where it pinches. If the relationship is healthy- you feel it just by how contented you’re in it. If it’s in a rocky place, you’re aware. One of the most dangerous aspects of an unhealthy relationship is an abusive partner.

I’ve been told severally that it’s not healthy to be too careful when venturing into a relationship/marriage. “You won’t know by half, your partner’s behavior until you’d began to live together for a considerable period of time.” Agreed. But there ‘re always some telltale signs. We often just turn a blind eye.

An Abusive Partner–  there ‘re several forms of abusive behaviors a partner could exhibit occasionally which shouldn’t be ignored. However my focus today is on-  physically/verbally abusive partners. The bullies!

Let me explain why I chose those two. Well- they ‘re practically a couple. Lol

A verbally abusive partner to me, is almost as deadly as a physically abusive partner. The only major difference is that the scars aren’t visible unless you prod.  There ‘re some words that could punch one’s psych(Pierce one’s heart), cause more damages than a thunderous slap. A partner can verbally reduce his/her partner to a low self-esteemed shell. Callous words that could hurt harder than a kick on the shin. Sends you reeling into self-doubt until depression sets in.

The thing is- both ladies and gentlemen should avoid/terminate such relationships. No matter the investments- financially/mentally or time wise. At times when we hear “abusive relationship” we wave it off or view men solely as the culprits. Sadly it’s not a gender thing per se. Men- agreed,  ‘ve  higher tendencies of being abusive in a relationship/ marriage. Fact is- some women are abusive too. Theirs rarely come in a physical form though.

It could manifest in a verbal or emotional form.  So it’s paramount to be observant while in a relationship/courtship. Observe how your partner handles issues/ situations, anger,  before taking that crucial step. Don’t rush into marriage because of societal/peer pressure to become part of statistics of domestic violence, that graces the social media daily these days.

If a partner lashes out during a little misunderstanding. We make excuses like; I pushed him/her too far. I said things that got him/her upset. Hmm…mm? Really? A verbally abusive partner could lead his/her partner into suicidal thoughts. No jokes. On the other hand, a physically abusive partner is actually a confirmed bully. There’s no way you’d date and venture into a relationship with a bully without that awful trait rearing it ugly head, once in a while. They often’ve dictatorial nature, mostly possessive, ill-tempered, opinionated, often caring and remorseful after hitting their partner. The chronic ones are quite callous. They don’t give a damn about their partner’s welfare after a fight.

The rate ladies are dying in abusive relationships ‘ve escalated over the years. There’s need to be alert in one’s relationship. No one knows the baggage the other partner is roaming about with undetected. It could be anger issues, trust issues, psychopathic nature, possessiveness or even obsession. At this stage it’s easy to get away-run without a backward glance, once violence tendencies is discovered in a partner. Breaking up a relationship is by far easier- it wouldn’t be that easy when married already, probably with kids.

Now ladies, the truth is-no matter the offense. He has no right to hit you but that doesn’t mean one should goad or dare one’s partner into provocation thoughtlessly during a fight. My humble advice? State your grievances in a mature manner, no point being verbally abusive. Men are human beings too with emotions. Don’t push your partner overboard. But If you are battered in that relationship/marriage regularly then leave. You simply aren’t compatible. Sorry…!

Well- an abusive partner hardly changes without help. It all depends though. Is the “ring” worth the risk?

 

 

 

Why The Assumption That All Ladies Above 30 And Unmarried Were Shallow/Wayward?

 

 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is a question to all those having sleepless nights over issues not really their business.

Why The Assumption That All Ladies Above 30 And Unmarried Were Shallow Or Wayward?

I’m sick and tired of all these stereotypical assumptions flying all over the place. Must we always be so judgmental about other people’s lives? Whose business it is that she isn’t married? Why prioritize someone else’s issue?

Just yesterday I came across a post on a social network where a lady reached out to single women above thirty. I couldn’t get the details of her program since she only wanted them to give her a call. To my disgust! This particular man sprang out of nowhere, lamenting on how it was a well deserved “punishment” for all those women who thought their beauty was everything and rejected men at the snap of a finger….haa! He wasn’t done- far from it. He prattled on… on how they were all shallow minded fools who were waiting for rich men to come-by and propose- which didn’t happen.  He was just getting warmed up- On he went- “starting up men who wooed them- were rejected countless times! Today see them all. Single! Used goods looking for a poor man to marry!” Ugh! Pathetic…

What gets to me on this issue isn’t even the ranting. It’s the assumption that she must be devastated. The assumption that she’s been dealt with by faith for her atrocities. Yeah…I’m sure Mary Madeline  had nothing on us. Lol. Why the stereotype, that a lady married late or yet to marry because she has a terrible character/past? Who told you that? Who gave you a pass, that- you’re better than these ladies you raise your noses in the air to mock? To belittle and humiliate at every turn? Who gave you the right to judge?  The condescending attitude some people exhibit, both male and female gender against unmarried ladies above thirty is astonishing.

If you’re married and happy in your own home. Why ‘re you so concerned about someone else’s plight? Is it your problem? Is she complaining to you? It seems harder for “a bull to pass through the eye of a needle” than for some to actually grasp that a lady above thirty and yet to marry may actually be happy as she is- living and planning her life. Not encumbered by the responsibilities that acompany’s  marriage”yet.” A time may come when her independence and life experience would make her be a better wife than some that married early.

A mature lady enters marriage with full knowledge of what it entails. She’s isn’t there for fairy tales. She creates a conducive environment for herself and her partner. Why? Simply because at this stage in her life, she knows exactly what she wants and needs and has garnered suitable experience on how to go about it.

A lady that married, let’s say at the age of 22/23yrs. Experienced a hellish marriage and divorced in her thirties or so. And one who didn’t marry on time because of a thousand and one reasons available, that could have prevented her from tieing the knot. Had time on her hands, worked on herself- knew herself well. Built a career niche for herself before meeting her own man. Do you really think the latter missed out on much? This thirty-something year old who has maturity and an understanding of how things work before tieing the knot. Did she miss so much for not marrying sooner?

A lot of married people currently miss singlehood fiercely. Some wish they could dissolve their unions without a backward glance. Some feel trapped. Some ‘re overwhelmed with regrets for entering into that union. Some can recall- the exact mistake that landed him/her in the trap he/she’s in now. Seeing all these, concerning marriage.  It baffles me that, some still see it as a “do or die affair.” A lot of married couples will gladly go their separate ways given the opportunity- no strings attached.

Well…what’s my point? My point is- stop treating getting married as the most important or the “only”goal in a woman’s life. Some want it badly no doubt, others don’t. That- she isn’t married doesn’t mean she’s shallow or wayward. Let me shock you.

Wayward ladies actually marry on time. They’re skilled- they know what men want and like. They know how to rope in/hook a man. They also know exactly the buttons to push to get a man to do exactly what they want. If a wayward lady with her experience sets her eyes on you. You’re in. By the time she’s through with you. You’d swear it was all your ideas. 60% of ladies that encounter late marriages are actually the decent ones. Probably rigid or frigid in nature- some ‘re introverts, some’re nerds and some quite boring. So stop the stereotyping already. It’s beginning to irritate.

What’s your opinion on this issue? I’d love to read it on here. Have a lovely day!

All Eggs In One Basket/ Are You For Or Against? 

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My today’s topic is a question to all singles.

All Eggs In One Basket/ Are You For Or Against?

Single ladies and bachelors are often advised not to put “all their eggs in one basket.” Technically we should have backup plans for any relationship, one ventures into.

This evening I’m focusing more on the impact of this advise on the singles. I believe this advise is drummed into the ladies psyche particularly, more than the male folks. The men mostly aren’t under any pressure.

We have all heard and received this advice countless times in our lives. My question this evening is; how do we interpret this–“not putting all our eggs in one basket?” At what age or stage should this be applicable? What’s your interpretation? Is it being abused? Is it causing more heartbreaks? More harm than good?

Today I’d like to share my opinion on this euphemistic relationship advice.

  • Firstly, there are stages in every relationship. One meets a potential partner at a given time, exchange contacts or one could be introduced by a friend, family member and so forth. Now the first step is going on a date with him or her. If the first date went well, another and yet another could be arranged. At this stage, you are observing each other, trying to find out if you enjoy each other’s company. If it’s going well, you begin to relax; become less tense around each other; Communicate effortlessly; gist; joke and enjoy each other’s company.
  • The second stage becomes the relationship proper. Where you discuss generally what you expect and want out of that relationship. This is also known as”defining” the relationship. At this stage as a man/ lady, if you are searching for a serious relationship that may move on to the next stage. You discovered the lady/man you are dating wants something different, maybe a fling or just not ready for something serious.  Some will be straightforward enough to give you this fact as it is. Heed to it… move on. You’d meet someone who would want same things as you someday.
  • This third stage is quite crucial. The relationship has metamorphosed into courtship. This stage is the most serious stage before marriage proper because the two involved would be working towards same goals. Making future plans as a team towards life as a couple. Learning minute details about their spouse to be. What works and what doesn’t for them. The basics at least…

Now, back to the topic of discussion. It seems to me, there wasn’t real clarification on where this infamous advice— (not to put all eggs in one basket) should be applied.

Based on the first and second above mentioned stages. It seems obvious to me that a man or lady that isn’t in any defined relationship should meet and date other people. However he/she should exhibit decorum at this stage. When the relationship is finally defined. If it wasn’t what you hoped for, expected, needed…then leave. Don’t just hang on to “nothing”, expecting him/her to reconsider. Or hoping you could change his/her mind. It may cause more harm than good if you persuade someone to be with you.

I hope it’s clearer now where I’m headed?

Uhm… personally, I don’t believe anyone should be dating( be involved with other people) at the courtship stage of his/her relationship. It’s not even ideal during relationships. It’s just that some never really define their relationships. For such people, anything goes. Well,  if you accepted to be in an ” open relationship.”Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Is metaphorically meant for you.

My point this evening, is for one to be cognizant of the state of one’s relationship. So as not to jeopardize or waste unnecessary time in it. Gentlemen and ladies… let’s not allow this  advice– dished out frequently at random mar our relationships. Faithfulness to one’s partner is still the best. He who wears the shoes, knows where it hurt though…

What’s your opinion on this? I honestly want to read your view on here.

A Sombre Perspective

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

I’d digress a bit today from my usual focus on the blog. Yesterday I came across quite a sad tale; a touching disheartening story told by a young lady in diaspora, originally from the middle East.- Homeless daughters of a hybrid diaspora

I can’t quite explain why her story affected me so deeply. Maybe because I could relate with some of the ills she pointed out about their society. Such as being selective when it comes down to cultural practices to leave behind and those to merge into the new  religions. It was a sombre evening for me after perusing that article. I could vividly grasp the picture she painted.

Here in Africa we have our own very burdensome, taxing and quite  complex cultural practices. But to be made from birth to feel unwanted, irrelevant in one’s own home is the height of it! A daughter being treated like an outsider- a stranger who would soon join another family in marriage and whose state and well being over there would be determined by how many sons she bears for her husband.

There’s another point she made that hit home right there! I’m curious, agreed men put those laws in place. It has always favoured them. Agreed. How come it’s mostly women that enforces these laws on their kind? When a lady marries and is yet to bear a child. It’s usually fellow women that put her through hell for having difficulty in conceiving. Other females mostly point this out, not the men. If a lady decides to fight for her right against injustice meted at her/ women in general. Women are usually her strongest opposition. Why’s that?

For instance here in Africa, in some parts, women don’t get quality education as their men. Some parents view training a daughter to higher institution as a waste of time and resources since she will marry someday. Sadly, it doesn’t end there. There are communities, tribes in Africa where widows are not allowed to inherent whatever their late husband left behind. Some places only “sons” participate in sharing of a father’s inheritance. Daughters are excluded. Not to mention the child bride phenomenon that cut across some part of the African continent? Who would fight for these girls? The widows? Those daughters being denied quality education? Since women will be the first to defend the “norm.” This is how it has always been my child.” I’m guessing that’s what they “parrot” to their 12yr old daughters while giving them away in marriages to some pedophiles.

It’s obvious that I’m pained due to the circumstances we women find ourselves. I admired the author of –

Homeless daughters of a hybrid diaspora

At least some of them are making efforts to change the norm even if these efforts are made from afar in baby-steps. It’s still better than blindly upholding the so called status quo as the past generation did. I implore us women, we should have each other’s back. Stop jumping right in to defend something that directly or indirectly affects you too.

Just today on facebook, I came across a page where a loud mouthed woman was defending men that cheats on their partners. She went right off, gun blazing! Reprimanding women that finds such,  offensive and unacceptable. Whoa! I wished at that moment, the earth would open and swallow me up. Lol. I was ashamed for her. Low self-esteem has wretched some of our women.

I’m glad some women have found their voices and are ready to effect the changes they need in this generation and equally ready for the task ahead.

The “Delusions About Cheating”

Hello ladies and gentlemen…

My topic today says;

The Delusions About Cheating

Now what do we understand by the term delude ? The English dictionary defines it as ; ” to deceive into believing something which is false; to lead into error; to dupe.”Now that was self explanatory. What is cheating in this context? Unfaithfulness in a relationship.

Ladies and gentlemen, look around you. Cheating is becoming a culture in our African societies. A disgusting vice yet viewed  as “normal.” Both men and women  all out-doing themselves these days in the game of being unfaithful to their partners. Worse? They all try to justify this nauseating act. Pathetic!

Men now call themselves “polygamous in nature.” Hmm mm? Really? Women cite negligence by their partners as reasons for this dangerous indulgence. Tall excuses! Lack of discipline I’d say…

Check out countries where cheating is abhorred; leads to divorces and hefty settlements and  tell me if the cheating rate in such countries equals those of countries where everything goes. Check countries where cheating wives are left with almost nothing during divorce settlements and tell me the percentage of those randomly caught having affairs.

As for singles, those with their self respect intact do not condone  such total disregard and tactless attitudes from their partners. Only someone with low self-esteem will accommodate such destructive vice from a partner , which will eventually lead to misery.

What am I saying? Here in Africa the delusion has gotten out of hand. Both men and women keep giving flimsy excuses why they cheat.  As a young woman, you keep strings of boyfriends. Whatever for? Material gains? For how long does any of those gains last?

A bachelor supposedly in a relationship/courtship, strings a number of girls along. How would he get it right through all those distractions? How would you ascertain your compatibility with any of them?

This “smartness” (as termed by the perpetrators) some  exhibit in the youthful age, is what breakup homes in the future. You delude yourself into believing your own lies. You unwittingly begin to view cheating as “normal”, which it isn’t.

I have this unflinching view about cheating. I believe to cheat is by choice. There are people that won’t cheat no matter what. It isn’t that they don’t meet interesting guys or ladies out there more attractive, vibrant, livelier than their partner, but because they are disciplined, contented with what they have. It’s not about “lack of opportunity.”

Understandably most of our forefathers married lots of women. Some had 3,4 wives or more and concubines too. Some of our fathers followed same pattern. Obviously seeing it as the norm.

I have a simple question. How many of the ancient  practices are still in existence? Besides things aren’t always black or white. There are always grey areas in life. How are we sure the polygamy practice of the past was a vice? Or a show of wealth? It could have been born out of necessities at that time.

As a bachelor or lady in a relationship. I implore us all. Let’s  not treat cheating with levity. Don’t ignore it or make excuses for such partner. That- “after all we aren’t married yet”crap should stop. Whatever you tolerate in a relationship is assumed you will accept in marriage. Imagine a situation where anyone cheated on, views such as unacceptable. He or she makes a firm move, leaves the toxic relationship. Cheating will grind to a halt.

The world has changed. There are numerous health hazards such careless attitude could breed. Let’s respect our partners and exude decorum at all times. This is the 21st century. Any man or woman that cheats on you has no iota of respect for you.

Secondly, understand this fact;  if he/she cheats on you while in the relationship. There’s a 60% likelihood he/she will do same again in marriage.

By cheating your partner, you degrade him or her. You make your partner insecure by trashing his or her self worth. You make him/her feel inadequate. It’s a nasty and insensitive act.

Africa has advanced, we have come a long way. Africa has stopped uncountable barbaric practices. It’s time we left this insensitivity behind too. Let’s begin to treat our partners with love and respect. Fact is, a nicely treated partner will definitely yield what you are yearning for and searching for out there. What you plant is what you reap. Lol

What do you think? Share your view on this topic with me. This is simply mine… what do I know? Share yours or criticize, it’s allowed.